


The song remains the same

by Startanewdream



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Enemies to Friends, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Friends to Enemies, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, James Potter is a Good Friend, Minor Violence, POV James Potter, Romance, Secret Relationship, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, what if
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:40:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 66,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27741670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Startanewdream/pseuds/Startanewdream
Summary: When James Potter grows up as friend of Severus Snape, and on the first day of Hogwarts, Sirius Black befriends Lily Evans, some things change, but fate is inevitable.
Relationships: James Potter & Severus Snape, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape, Marauders & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon
Comments: 104
Kudos: 62





	1. Second first impression

**Author's Note:**

> This story started when I wondered what would happen if James, always loyal, befriended Snape before beginning Hogwarts and how it would impact the relationship between the Marauders. 
> 
> Still, this story follows canon as close as possible, except for minor changes (James is a seeker, becoming Animagus is easier than it should, the dynamic between James and Lily).
> 
> Also, English is not my first language, so any tips are welcome!

> _“James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on each other, it was just one of those things, you can understand that, can’t you?” –_ Sirius Black, Order of the Phoenix

* * *

‘Mate’, James said, without even looking up from his Transfiguration book, ‘you're doing that again’. 

‘What?’ 

'Drooling over Lily Evans, as if she would ever look back at you’, he replied bored, because it was the tenth time since the beginning of the semester that James had to point out that little fact. James didn't even need diverting his attention to know that Severus was rolling his eyes and frowning, which made him look even grumpier than usual. 

Still, his grimace didn’t affect James. Both knew perfectly well that there was no way that pretty girls like Lily Evans would ever go out with Severus Snape or James Potter. None of them were remotely popular in the first place. 

And as far as James gave it a thought, Severus wasn't even handsome, considering the lack of girls chasing after him, unlikely as always happened with Sirius Black, Evans' best friend; the fact that Severus was always tense, or that his hair looked greasy or the usual lack of smile on his face didn’t help either. And above all, Snape was a Slytherin, something James knew that Evans loathed. 

‘You never know’, Severus noted. He usually was a down-to-earth guy, but whenever the topic involved Lily Evans, James knew Severus would lose all objectivity. It was the same ever since their first year, when Severus had first glanced at Evans and had become enamoured with her sea-green eyes. Severus always insisted it was emerald-green, but considering he had never seen the sea, James thought Severus was wrong in this discussion. ‘I can always ask her out’. 

‘Good luck’, James replied absently, not wanting to say that Severus’ chance of asking Evans out was the same as of her accepting it, meaning there was none. There was no way that Evans would ever go out with someone Sirius Black disapproved; in fact, James secretly thought it was more likely that Evans and Black would end up married to each other someday. They were both popular, beautiful and geniuses; it would be a perfect best-friends-to-lovers fairy-tale. 

And if there was an opposite of them in every sense, James knew it was himself. He was not popular; he was the odd Gryffindor whose best friend was a Slytherin, the one who never got invited into parties, who was not really welcome in the Gryffindor Common Room, who stayed silent most of the nights in his own dorm room because he was not part of the little group of friends there. 

Sometimes James was amused by the fact that he got along better with Severus' Slytherin friends than with people from his own House. Avery and Mulciber would never be his best friends – as Severus always scoffed, James was too much a Gryffindor for them -, but they never really complained about his presence, which was better than Black treated James, anyway. Still, as nicely as Avery and Mulciber treated him, James could never feel totally comfortable around them either. There was something sinister, something dark in their eyes that always made James think they were not really saying everything they thought; James only hung out with them because of Severus, and still only for a few minutes. There was many things that James would do for Severus, as his best friend, but sometimes Avery and Mulciber were too… _creepy_. 

And there were some people in Gryffindor that James got along nicely, even if they were slightly above acquaintances, none of them close to him as Severus was. The Prewett twins, his cousin Marlene, Frank and his girlfriend Alice who had graduated a couple of years ago. Even Lupin, when he wasn’t around Black, was quite to be around; Lupin was the only Gryffindor in their year, really, that James could work together with if needed. He always thought he and Lupin could be friends – if not for Black, of course. 

If there was one person that Sirius Black really hated, it was Severus Snape – and, by extension, Black seemed to hate James as well. For most of his time, James really couldn’t care about Black’s rejection or the pranks it involved, but being on Black’s bad side meant James knew he would never be part of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and that really annoyed him. Flying was the one thing James really loved, and not being part of the team meant that his flights were reserved for lonely hours in the Sunday night. 

Still, James would not trade being friends with Severus for the possibility of playing Quidditch. If there was one thing he and Black seemed to agree upon was that you need to be loyal to your friends. James would always be friends with Severus, and Black would be always part of that little group of his. 

James had never really understood that group of Black – or the _Marauders,_ as they called themselves; the four of them did not seem to have anything in common. He could see the attraction between Evans and Black – they shone together -, but Evans was muggleborn, and no matter how brilliant a witch she was, he knew the Blacks were one of the most traditional pureblood family. 

Lupin was the most responsible person James had ever known, and he was a prefect this year, which meant James couldn’t understand how he could tolerate most of the pranks of Black – sure, some of them were indeed funny, like the time the candles in the Great Hall started to sing “Happy birthday to you” on McGonagall’s birthday, but when Black would bewitch someone in the corridors – and Severus was one of his favourite victims -, it was not nice. 

And Pettigrew was not the brightest; what he did best was to idolize Black and to drool over Evans, which James thought half the male population of Hogwarts would do better than him – Severus, for example, had written _poems_ about Evans, which was a fact that James could not admit knowing, since it involved his Invisibility Cloak and James had sworn to his dad he would not tell Snape about the Cloak. His dad did not like Severus much, all because of that one-time Severus had been caught reading a book of Dark Arts, back in the Potter’s library. He would not say it out loud, but James sometimes thought his dad overreacted a little bit; after all, Severus had admitted his mistake and had promised he would never do it again. 

Severus was still looking at Evans, so James did the only thing that was enough to distract him when that was happening. He threw his ink bottle at Snape. 

‘Ouch!’, he complained, but James didn't feel particularly sorry. And Snape didn't seem to mind either, because his scream was enough for Evans to look at him for two seconds – Severus' face went scarlet – before her gaze locked on James. 

He didn't need three seconds under Lily Evans' sea-green eyes to know they were worth a whole box of poems dedicated to them. 

He always thought that Severus’ attraction for Lily Evans were a bit over the edge and James had supposed it was because of her eyes; they were really fascinating. But this was back when they were younger, before the summer of their Fourth Year. In that summer Lily Evans had gone from being a girl who ran freely across the grounds of Hogwarts with Black, Lupin and Pettigrew to becoming a _girl_ and one that was seriously pretty. Suddenly the red in her hair was eye-catching and she was smiling charmingly and then she was holding hands with some boys who were lucky enough not to be cursed by Black. James had heard the selection process for getting a date with Evans was difficult and painful. That’s why he knew Severus would never have a chance; he and Black would never get along. 

Sometimes, James thought that reason Severus hated Black so much was because he envied _him_ , envied what Black had – his closeness with Evans, his position as a decent Quidditch player, his popularity, his looks. Severus would never had any of this. 

As expected, Black said something that caught Evans’ eye - no doubt, to remind her that James was a social outcast - and James was freed from Evans' gaze. A part of him was relieved by that – he always stayed away from the path of the Marauders if he could help it. But another part, which was fixed in the way the sun was reflected in Evans’ hair, or in how her lips might have curled into a smile for him, didn't mind being under her gaze. 

He took a deep breath and shook his head, trying to get rid of this nonsense; and then he met Severus' eyes. His best friend seemed to know exactly what thoughts had been on James’ mind, because Severus was smirking. 

‘It's difficult, isn't it?’, he asked, his eyes shining with superiority. ‘Resisting her charm?’ 

James’ original answer was that, at least, he hadn't started the love poems yet, but he stopped himself. 

‘I never said I didn't understand your crush. Only it's hopeless’. James turned his gaze to Theory of Animagus, as if he had never been distracted from the book. ‘She's out of reach and you know it’. 

‘She was looking at me now’, Severus argued, as if that solved the issue. 

‘Yeah, she looked at me too’, James pointed out, and when he felt that this fact made him unreasonably warm, he decided that it was time to be rational again. ‘That does not mean she is in love with me, which I appreciate, in fact’. 

Severus laughed, incredulous. 

‘So you wouldn't like going out with Lily Evans?’ 

If James let himself imagine what would be like going out with Evans, he knew it would be a pleasant dream. She was gorgeous, so it would be easy to hold her hand, enjoy her sparkling laugh and then their faces would be so close… Only they would never really be alone. That would be impossible with Evans because she was part of a package. 

‘Sure’, he said wryly. ‘I will go out with her after I and Black become best of friends, when we have tea every day at each other's house'. 

Severus laughed again. 

‘And don't forget, after taking Lupin for a walk'. 

James closed his book with a frown, his face serious now, but Severus only shrugged. 

‘What?’, he asked, defensively. ‘You know he's a were..'. 

‘I know what you _think_ of the matter’, James cut it off before anyone could hear Severus. It was the last beautiful weekend of October, and everyone was on the Hogwarts grounds that day. ‘And you have no proof'. 

Severus rolled his eyes. 

‘So is it normal for a student to disappear once a month, always at the Full Moon? And to appear badly hurt the next day? What about those howls and rumours in Hogsmeade?’ 

James hated to admit it, but Severus’ arguments were solid; James himself was pretty sure Remus Lupin was a werewolf, but he could never confirm it to Severus for one reason: he would want Lupin to be expelled from Hogwarts. And that was not even because of Lupin himself, because Lupin had always been nice to Severus, as much courteous as he had been with James; no, Snape wanted to expose Lupin because he knew it would hurt Black. 

James was not very fond of Black either, but he would never do anything to someone just to annoy Black, and especially not to someone as good as Remus Lupin. 

‘Maybe he just has a troubled family’, he commented, feeling slightly guilty for using that excuse. ‘You should understand that'. 

As expected, this made Severus be quiet and he turned to his Potions essay with a scowl on his face. James knew Severus wouldn't be talking to him for a few minutes, as always happened when he brought up the subject of his family. It wasn't like the Snape family was a recurring theme in their conversations, but James knew enough to understand why Severus only left his house at dusk during the holidays, why he never mentioned his parents for his Slytherin friends. With that, James sometimes wondered how life would be for Severus is the Potters hadn't decided to move to London's suburb on James’ seventh birthday. Severus probably would never have had a friend until he arrived at Hogwarts. 

James sighed, and maybe this sound was too loud, because Evans looked up in his direction again. 

He looked away quickly, before he felt any urge to write love poems, or before, as he had heard that happened with one of the Prewett twins, Black decided to interfere. James had never really wanted to know which one of them would win in a duel, and now it didn't seem like a good time to find out. 

Anyone would think that because she was friends with his parents, Minnie McGonagall could be nicer to James. Instead, she had called him in her office on a Sunday afternoon, to say that he needed to try harder if he wanted his request to the Animagi course to be approved by the Ministry of Magic. 

James always thought that being the top student in Transfiguration class was enough, but, apparently, he was _wrong_. 

‘The Ministry requires nine recommendations to approve special courses. The professors usually require that you at least pass the O.W.L on their subject to give you their recommendation’, McGonagall told him, obliviously to the fact that James was almost fainting with hunger. ‘And for the Animagi course, the Ministry requires Outstanding in Transfiguration, certainly, and also in Charms and Potions'. 

That made James blink. Potions? The Ministry brochure had said nothing about it – if he just wanted to change his body, without any potion, he didn’t understand why he needed to know that subject. 

‘I'll try, Professor’, he said distantly, but under her stern gaze, James couldn’t help but smile. She had always been his favourite professor. ‘Fine, I’ll succeed'. 

‘Very well, Potter’, she declared, her voice a little lighter. ‘Don't forget that me, Prof. Flitwick and Prof. Slughorn are available to help you at any time'. 

He shook his head and left, trying to ignore the hole in his stomach that now had nothing to do with hunger. James hated Potions; it was his worst subject: five cauldrons blown up since he began Hogwarts. But now, instead of concentrating in barely scraping Potions, he was going to have to study it seriously – Severus would laugh when he found out – 

James glanced at him from across the Great Hall; he was talking to Mulciber and Avery, and this sight made James shiver. It wasn't as if any of them had been stupid or unkind to James, but he knew he would never warm to those friends of Severus – there was something _wrong_ with those two, and James had proof of that; but when he mentioned how dark they were, Severus had just laughed and said that he was being silly. Even so... 

Potions. His current problem was about that boring class. If James had been born a genius like Evans or knew how to invent like Severus did, maybe he would enjoy Potions; or if Black didn’t keep throwing rat tails or frog eyes at him, turning even more difficult for James to concentrate; or if he was a favourite of Slughorn, maybe then we would have any interest. But Slughorn only had eyes for Evans – he always spent half the time praising Evans, saying she should be in Slytherin, and her answers were even worth it, because they were fun. Besides being one of the few classes that he shared with Severus, Evans’ cheeky answers almost made Potions worthwhile. 

And he only saw three solutions ahead, none of which encouraged him. He could ask Severus for help, but somehow it would feel weird. Severus knew of his uninterest in Potions – it was a regular complain –, and he never had offered to help James before. They were best friends, but he could not imagine them spending hours on the weekends studying the correct use of asphodel or anything like that. James supposed he could ask Slughorn for extra lessons, but besides the fact that Black was going to have a fit of laughter when he found out, James had the impression that the professor didn’t even know he existed. And the third option... it was even funnier, because in no way would _Evans_ waste her free time with him. Even asking her help would make Black laugh more than ever – 

‘Potter? James?’ 

James blinked, startled, and turned around. Remus Lupin was looking in his direction, smiling warmly. James smiled back and wished not for the first time that Lupin wasn’t so close to Black, because then they could really be friends. 

And he wished that Minnie McGonagall hadn't held him in her classroom for so long, because then he would have arrived early for dinner as always and could be long gone before any of that fantastic four had come for dinner. Instead, he was not seating too close to the fantastic four – or “Marauders”, as they preferred to be called, which always made James roll his eyes, bored. 

‘I’ve been calling you for minutes now’, Lupin said, and yet he sounded more amused than annoyed. 

‘Ah, sorry, Lupin’, James said, struggling to pay attention. It was quite easy for his mind to wander sometimes. ‘What's it?’ 

‘Professor Dumbledore asked to give you this’, Lupin gave him a parchment. ‘I know it's not the best time, but I won't be able to deliver it later'. 

‘No problem’ James said distractedly. It was a letter with all the papers he would need to submit for the Animagi course. ‘Thanks. Do you have a meeting later?’ 

‘Meeting?’ 

‘Yeah, prefect meeting'. 

‘Not today. I'm just going to the infirmary, I am – I am not well tonight’, Lupin replied in a quiet voice. James looked at him and then, without really thinking, for the ceiling above them; there was no moon on the sky, but he knew it was the first night of Full Moon of the month. 

‘Oh’, he breathed, suddenly embarrassed, without meeting Lupin’s eyes. It was one thing to discuss the matter with Severus, when it was speculation and another altogether at the Gryffindor table. 

‘It's none of your business, Potter’, said a cold voice and when James looked up, he saw Sirius Black staring at him, unfriendly. 

Suddenly, the table around them had become quieter and tenser. James thought that if Black didn’t want to draw attention to Lupin’s condition, he should not have said anything, but still, James wasn’t going to worsen things for Lupin. 

‘I didn't mean to offend you’ he said in a low voice to Lupin, determined to ignore Black _._

‘I know that -’ 

‘Maybe you should think next time before you speak’, Black continued, and James took a deep breath and drank some pumpkin juice so he wouldn't respond. ‘Or maybe you should just move to the snakes table, where you wouldn't bother anyone’. 

Some people laughed. James turned to look at Black; he wasn't going to say anything, because he never thought that it was worth answering to Black, but it was good to look him straight in the eye, without blinking, hoping Black would give up first. 

‘Sirius'. 

It was Lily Evans. She was sitting beside Black, almost in front of James, but she did not look up from her plate. Her voice had no warning tone or anger or joy or any other emotion. It was as if she had only read Black’s name somewhere and yet, Black acted as if he had been scolded, because he looked away and went back to his dinner, ignoring James as James had wished it happened during all dinner. 

Only not after Lily Evans had told Black to do it. James didn't want to be defended by anyone, because he had never asked for it and because he didn't need to. 

And most of all he did not want to be defended by Black’s girlfriend. 

So for the first time, he answered back. 

‘I don't bother anyone, Black, only you. Perhaps that means _you_ should move’. 

Black turned to James, surprised. 

‘What?’ 

‘The sympathy for "snakes" is in your blood, not mine’, James noted, his voice sounding almost dull in a way that did not reflect the buzzing in his head. ‘You know, I think they still have a place reserved for you'. 

Black stood up. 

‘I'm not in Slytherin’, he replied heatedly. ‘Because I _chose_ not to associate myself with prejudiced pure bloods and D ark A rts lovers . _Unlike_ you, Potter. So, who is more Slytherin here?’ 

‘You call them prejudiced? What about you, disliking people just because of their Houses?’ 

‘I am not prejudiced – I don't go out killing people because of that!’, he replied, almost shouting, and then there was a heavier silence; it wasn't as if anyone didn’t know what he was talking about, but James had never listened in the open any discussion about Lord Voldemort at Hogwarts. In school they always seemed protected and that Lord could be just a horror tale. 

Except that James knew if he read the newspaper, he would see the number of disappearances, deaths, sights of _inferi_ _._

‘Sirius’, Evans called again, and now she sounded upset. James felt a sudden relief to see an emotion on Evans’ pretty face. ‘You should not –‘ 

‘Mr. Black!’, Professor McGonagall called, sounding annoyed as she got closer to them. ‘Finish your dinner in silence or you will have a week of detentions’. She caught James looking at her. ‘The same goes for you, Potter'. 

James wished he could say he hadn't started, but that would be too childish, he supposed. 

‘I'm not hungry anymore, Professor’, Black declared, turning his back to leave the Great Hall. 

Lupin looked at James, with an apologize on his eyes, but James just waved at him as Pettigrew ran after Black, like a desperate dog. 

James took a deep breath, trying to control himself, and found that half the table was still looking at him. 

‘What?’, he asked tiredly, and the looks were averted. Except for Lily Evans, who, to James’ amazement, had not run after her boyfriend, having only raised in front of James, still looking at him. 

‘Lily?’, Lupin called, stopping to look back at her; he sounded confused. 

‘I’ll go in a second’, Evans replied, and Lupin must have recognized something in her voice, because he just nodded and left without further questions. Perhaps unravelling Evans' voice was a Marauder secret. 

‘What?’, James asked finally, when her gaze started to unnerve him. He wondered if he should recommend to Severus to blow up in public with Black, so that Evans could notice he existed. 

‘You shouldn't have said that to Sirius, about his family’, she said, and it wasn't like as if she was scolding him, because her voice was soft. 

As if she was explaining something difficult to a six-year-old. And James suddenly felt like a six-year-old. 

What was Lily Evans's problem? As if it weren't enough to charm his best friend and the rest of the school or being the most popular girl or being a perfect student, did she still have to make him feel tiny? 

And all because, for the first time in five years, James had decided to not ignore Black’s bait? Why couldn't she make _Black_ feel childish when he was throwing things at James? Or when he said James didn't deserve to be in Gryffindor? 

Oh, well, they were best friends ever since the first day of Hogwarts. That explained her favouritism. 

‘I expected more from you’, Evans added, and before James could react, she left the Great Hall. 

James looked after her, feeling more confused than ever. 

It was way after curfew when James returned to the Gryffindor Common Room, safe with his Invisibility Cloak and much happier after flying. He knew he would regret the few hours of sleep the next day, when the first class was Potions - whoever decided that there would be a double Potions class on Monday certainly hated him – but James needed a few hours of distraction. As he folded his cloak to put it in his pocket, he thought that there was nothing good as the feeling of being in the air, where no problem could reach him. 

‘James Potter?’ 

The sound of his name made his stomach flip over more than any loop in the broomstick could ever do. He looked around the room to see Lily Evans. She was sitting in one of the tables close to the fireplace, which made her look frighteningly beautiful in the light, and her gaze was fixed on his face – until she noticed the broomstick in James’ hand. 

And then Evans just looked surprised, just as James felt for her even knowing his first name. 

‘You were flying?’ 

She didn’t sound incredulous or mockingly, but their short exchange over dinner was still fresh on James’ mind. 

‘I was. Let me guess, you didn’t _expect_ this of me?’ 

Evans raised her eyebrows. 

‘Of course not. Why would I?’ 

Her voice was polite, but all James thought was that Evans shouldn't expect anything from him. She didn't know him. She had hardly spoken to him ever since they met. 

‘You wouldn't. So yes, I like to fly at night. Yes, I _know how to_ fly and I am a pretty good seeker. No, I never thought of joining the team, because it is obvious that no one would want me to join; they would probably think, like your boyfriend, that I was going to hand the game over to Slytherin. Yes, you can go tell your boyfriend, you can all make silly jokes about me. It’s not like it’s new'. 

Later, James would find his speech pathetic, but at the moment he enjoyed it. It was the largest number of words he had ever said to Evans and he did not sound as much bitter as he would have thought, even though he was venting some of his frustration. 

But all Evans did was blink. 

‘I'm not going to tell anyone, Potter, because it's none of my business’, she declared quietly, signing the letter she’d been writing. ‘You obviously have your reasons for not wanting to join the team'. 

She sounded so rational that James felt like a complete idiot, so he did the only thing that made sense. He sat on an armchair, on the other side of the table that Evans was, and whispered: 

‘Sorry'. 

She looked at him, not understanding. 

‘For blowing up with you. It's just that… I always think people will judge me’. 

‘They probably will’, Evans replied, sounding melancholic, as if someone had judged her negatively at some point in her life, which James didn’t think it was possible. ‘But you can't get carried away by it’. 

‘It's difficult’, James said, in the same voice as her. She gave him a funny look. 

‘You always ignored Sirius. Until today, at least'. 

‘Ah, you are expecting things from me again. I just _seem_ to ignore him'. 

Slowly, Evans smiled. 

‘Yeah, I think I am. Sorry'. 

James laughed, and he couldn’t help noticing how absurd it was for him to be laughing, at midnight, with Lily Evans. But it was also nice. 

‘I know I shouldn’t, but when I said I expected you to be better, it is just because I really think there is some lines you don’t cross and mentioning Sirius’ family is one of those’. She took a deep breath and looked James in the eyes. There was something almost mesmerizing in the way the fire reflected in her eyes, that James felt suddenly he could not judge Snape for having a crush on her. ‘You should ignore Sirius next time, Potter. He really can't think clearly sometimes – and he really hates your friend'. 

She rolled her eyes, as if that was unimportant; but James thought Evans had earned points with him for even admitting that Black could act irrationally. 

‘Night’, Evans said, and she smiled at him, as if he wasn't the Gryffindor freak with a limited number of friends. 

‘Night’, he answered, a little late, but she didn't seem to notice. 

‘And, Potter -’ Evans hesitated, her brow furrowed as if she was puzzled. ‘Sirius _is not_ my boyfriend'. 

And without looking at him, she collected her things and went up the stairs. And as she vanished in the stairs, James thought that Lily Evans was normal after all; she was still the most popular girl he knew, and too friendly with the most annoying guy James knew, but still as normal as he could be. 

He smiled, not quite sure on the reason, but just feeling like the night had been good after all. He would sleep better than he could have imagined it was possible a few hours before. 

That's when he noticed the parchment left on the floor. He picked it up, already knowing it was from Evans; she must have let it drop while she was leaving. He stood there, torn between leaving it in the floor or saving it for her, and then, without really thinking what he was doing, his eyes started to scan the letter. 

It was for her mother. It talked about her not being able to go somewhere. And the explanation, which was the only paragraph James really read: 

‘ _I really need to stay here this Christmas, because I need to study for Potions and Transfiguration, or I will not get good grades. I know that Petunia, who has always been concerned with my education, will understand’._

And it didn't make sense because Evans was brilliant at Potions and good at Transfiguration. But all James could imagine was that, for some reason, she didn’t’ want to go home for Christmas – but it was October, too early to make any plans - 

The sound of hurried steps on the stairs alerted him, but James felt frozen on the spot. The parchment was in his hand, open and glowing against the fire, and all he could do was stare at Lily Evans' flustered face. 

‘Ah, Potter, I forgot my -’, and then she noticed the letter he held. Her face went white. For two seconds, Evans seemed utterly lost, and James looked desperately for something to say. Then, Evans was furious in a way he had never seen her before. ‘That is MINE!’, she shouted, taking the letter from his hand. 

‘I – I know it’s not, I –‘ 

‘Did you _read it_?’ 

‘What?’ 

James wanted to deny it, but the truth must have been obvious on his face, because Evans just got redder. So he said the only thing he thought would help the situation: ‘I will not tell anyone'. 

‘No, you won't’, Evans said, pulling out her wand, and James didn't think to do the same. ‘If you say anything –‘ 

‘Evans’, James called, annoyed. ‘I already said I won't. I swear’. 

‘As if your word is worth anything, Potter. As if you won't tell that Slytherin friend of yours the first chance that -’ 

'Well, maybe I should!’, James exploded. Evans just looked at him, her breath coming fast. ‘It's not like you _expected_ me to do something different. Or, worse, it is as if you think you are so important that I will have nothing better to do than gossip about your life'. 

'Do you?’ 

‘I’m not going to tell anyone’, he repeated, through his gritted teeth. ‘And that's because _I_ don't want to talk, because I _know_ it's none of my business, and _not_ because you _demand it_ _'._

And, trying to reinforce his words, he walked past her, without looking back, which may not have been a smart idea since she still had her wand up. But James couldn't care less then, because all he wanted to do was to show Evans she couldn’t affect him, in the same way he always took care to show Black that he didn’t mind any of the pranks or the jokes. 

And he promised to himself that he would never, ever again, think about Lily Evans. 


	2. A trick

> " _Severus was very interested in where I went every month. We were in the same year, you know, and we — er — didn’t like each other very much_ " - Remus Lupin, HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban

* * *

Evans was staring at him. She had been staring ever since James had gotten down for breakfast, as if daring him to say anything about last night. He could’ve sworn he felt her eyes burning through his neck when he sat next to Severus on Potions, even though they didn’t talk much to each other.

It shouldn't bother him her stare, but for some reason, it did. He massaged his neck, took a deep breath and tried to pay attention to the correct number of petals of jewelweed he should put in the potion.

‘She's looking at you again’, whispered Severus, just the corner of his mouth moving. James didn’t answer. ‘How did you get this?’

And there was a slightly desperate tone in his voice, which didn’t surprise James. But he wasn't going to tell Severus that the secret to getting Evans' attention was to read a private letter.

Maybe because Severus would really consider doing that.

‘It must be because of that discussion with Black yesterday’, he whispered back. James supposed this wasn't entirely true, but it wasn't a lie either. He would have walked mutely past Evans in the Common Room the night before if he had never spoken to Black during dinner.

'About that, why did you blow up? I never saw you losing your temper with Black before’.

James also wouldn’t tell Severus that his outburst had anything to do with being defended by Evans.

Lately, there were several things he wouldn't say.

‘I just couldn't take it anymore’, he said. ‘Why do I have to put up with Black?’

‘You don't’, replied Severus, looking at James with satisfaction, as if he had finally done something Severus had been waiting for a long time. James figured Severus was proud of him. Unlike Snape, who never seemed to be able to ignore Black and would try to fight back with some spells, James usually just paid no mind to Black. And then Severus looked ahead, to where a tired Lupin and a befuddled Pettigrew worked in silence, and a sinister gleam appeared in his dark eyes. ‘Not for much longer, at least’.

‘What are you talking about?’

He shrugged but didn’t say anything; James paused for a moment and then went back to worrying about his potion. As much as he wished to press Severus to tell him more, he wasn't going to force him to say anything, not when James was also keeping his own secrets; all this secrecy made him feel like a terrible friend.

‘Time is up!’ shouted Slughorn, walking around the dungeon. James looked at his potion; the colour was beautiful, a deep indigo that made him want to be flying instead of being in the dungeon.

The only problem was that, according to the book, the potion should be pearl white by now. He was a failure in Potions – and to make matters worse, without an _Outstanding_ , he would never be able to become a registered animagus -

‘Oh, Lily! Perfect potion, of course’, observed Slughorn, his voice full of glee. 'Did you add a bit of valerian?’

‘I thought it was a nice touch’, replied Evans, in that sweet voice she only used with Slughorn, the one that always left James in doubt whether she really liked the teacher or thought he was stupid. ‘And it can amplify the calming effects of the potion’.

‘Exactly, dear!’ Slughorn looked amazed, as he always did when he talked with her. It would be less funny if, by James' side, Severus didn't look at Evans with the same expression. He didn't even seem to mind that he never got credit in this class, even when his potion was the same shade of light grey as Evans'. ‘Without a doubt you -’

'- have excellent skills and an unparalleled talent for potions’, James completed, in a low voice, speaking at the same time as Slughorn. The professor always said the same thing, followed by -

‘The only thing missing is you being a member of my House, of course!’

Unpredictably, this caused low hisses from Slytherins in class. Except Severus, whose smile of approval made James roll his eyes.

James just wondered if Black would still love his girlfriend if she was a Slytherin.

‘Ah, professor’. Evans shook her head, and her gaze met James’. ‘I don't know if the rest of your House would approve. Maybe you should just invite Potter, he already is an honorary member anyway’.

James flushed, either with fury or shame - he wasn't sure -, as people around him started to laugh. But Severus, at his side, just frowned - and James knew it wasn't because he didn't agree, since Severus had often complained that he should have chosen to go to Slytherin - and Black didn't laugh either. This surprised James; Black was always the first to approve of anything Evans did; now he just looked as confused as Slughorn, who was saved from answering with the bell ringing.

_Great,_ James thought, _now I only have five more classes in Evans' presence._

‘Leave the potion vial on my table, and I want an essay on the negative effects of the Sleeping Potion’, Slughorn warned, and people start to converge to his table.

But James stood there, just staring at Evans, who looked calmly back at him. At least this time, she wasn't making him feel tiny - just more and more furious.

She had never done anything to him before - that had always been Black's exclusive pleasure, to have fun at his expense, and while Evans had never defended him aloud, she hadn't attacked him either. Now, just because she had found him with her letter, Evans had decided to hate him - as if it were James’ fault that she had forgotten her letter in the first place.

‘Lily’, Black called her, which made her blink and look around at him, already with a calmer expression on her face. James just kept staring at them, until Black turned to him, contempt and impatience on his face. ‘Got any problem?’

Besides Evans attacking him for no reason, did he mean?

‘Come on’, Severus said, pulling him, and that was the second strange thing of the day, because James had never seen Snape avoiding a fight with Black.

They were on the Great Hall when Severus stopped and turned to James, with an amused smile on his face.

‘I don't know what you did, but Evans really hates you, James’ he said, and that was the second time, that day, that he told James something he already knew.

* * *

James knew his lucky was out the minute Professor Trevor separate the class in pairs and, instead of doing the normal division of pairs, declared that he and Evans should duel each other.

So now he was standing in front of Lily Evans, waiting to defend himself against a spell to be cast by the one girl who had seem to want to disintegrate him just by the sheer force of her gaze all day.

_‘Expelliarmus!’,_ Evans cried suddenly, and James reacted.

‘ _Protego!’_ , he yelled back, and to his contentment, the shield formed in time. Evans had to jump sideways when her own spell rebound towards her, but other than that, no harm was done.

‘Excellent spell, Potter’, Professor Trevor told him. This made James smile; it was nice to be praised in a class other than Transfiguration. ‘And your Disarming Charm was just as wonderful, Evans’, he added, which didn't surprise James. Everyone always praised that girl.

But Evans did not smile as she had earlier in Slughorn's class. In fact, she didn’t take her eyes off James, which should have made him feel flattered, if not for the fact that Evans didn’t look remotely friendly.

‘Can I go again, Professor?’, she asked, and James had a bad feeling about this.

Professor Trevor agreed silently. How he did not really see the expression on Evans’ face was a mysterious for James, but he did not have time to think about it. Evans had cast another spell towards him, without speaking. He dodged it, without really thinking, feeling mildly impressed by the fact that Evans knew how to cast nonverbal charms – which he was sure it would be only learnt the next year.

And the only nonverbal spell James knew how to cast was unthinkable. He would never turn Evans upside down, no matter how much he would like to do now; besides, Severus would kill him for using one of his spells on her.

Evans cast the same spell again; this time James was ready, and his shield charm shone brighter, even after it made her spell rebound.

‘I think we’d better to exchange partners’, Professor Trevor said, finally seeming to realize the danger in letting Evans near James. ‘Black, come here’

And when James started walking away gladly, Professor Trevor gestured for him to stay. ‘No, Evans, you train with Zhao. Black, with Potter’.

James frowned; if Trevor was trying to help him, he was doing a poor job out of it.

Black positioned himself in front of James, but he looked more speculative than aggressive; his wand was down.

'What did you do to her?’, he asked in a low voice, sounding curious.

‘What?’

‘I asked’, Black began again patiently, ‘what did you do to make Lily so pissed with you?’

‘I was born?’

He rolled his eyes.

‘You are so funny, Potter’, Black replied. 'I will find out -’

'Look, it's not my fault if Evans woke up this morning deciding to make my life a living hell. What does it matter? She always hated me anyway’.

‘Nah, she didn’t’, he disagreed absently. ‘But if Lily is mad with you, it’s your funeral’. Black smiled suddenly. ‘I just hope you take Snivellus with you’.

James shook his head, annoyed.

‘Can’t you just leave Severus alone?’

'No, I can't’, Black snapped. - He is _evil_ , he is disgusting and his life dream is joining You-Know-Who'.

A chill went down on James’ spine.

‘Shut your mouth’, he muttered under his breath, careful to not attract Trevor's attention. ‘You do not know him’. James raised his wand. ‘Are we going to practice or not?’

Black also raised his wand.

‘One day, Potter, your _friendship_ with that Slytherin will cause your death, you know’.

It was the tone on Black’s voice, more mourning than threatening, that made James stop. But before he could say anything, Black cast a spell and he tried to defend himself.

* * *

The perfect duo was fighting.

And the most irritating thing about Black and Evans' discussion was that they decided to start it during History of Magic , which was even worse for James than Potions; while at least he had something to do in Potions – no matter how awful he was -, here he could only barely register a few words of the boring voice of Professor Binns, dead for a few years now, if he really paid attention. Most of his notes usually contained random words, rather than phrases, such as: "goblins", "war", "the evening before", "green".

And today it was seeming worse than ever. While Professor Binns talked again about goblin wars, James could only think that he had slept for almost six hours and the classroom was pleasantly warm. Then, after writing about three lines, he had given up on writing anything else and had tried to sleep, as half the class had done.

It was around that time the discussion started. At first, it was just a buzzing in his ear, more like an annoying fly than anything. Then, when he had finally decided to stay awake and had even returned to writing down anything the professor said - because his conscience kept reminding him that he needed to pass that class at least -, the sound of voices increased.

They had to be doing it on purpose. It was not possible that they’d begin discussing out loud in the only class James didn’t sit far from them.

But then again, James knew he was in a run of bad luck.

‘The war started on December 23, 1223, at six o'clock in the morning, because Ragnok -’

‘I told you it's nothing, Sirius’.

'You are acting weird, Lily, I know you -’

‘By midday, Welsh troops had invaded the Southeast of -’

‘Look, if it's about Christmas holiday, I already -’

‘For heaven’s sake!’, and with this cry, Evans attracted the attention of people around them, and she lowered her voice. Unfortunately, James could still hear every word she spoke. ‘It has nothing to do with you’.

‘The battle lasted exactly nine hours and seven minutes, until both sides decided that -’

‘And if it's about the next trip to Hogsmeade, maybe -’

‘I already said I don't want to go with anyone’, she muttered, sounding annoyed.

‘Then a Council was formed, chaired by Ragnok, which determined a -’

‘Just tell me what's wrong with you, Lils’.

‘Sirius, I -’

‘ _For God's sake_!’, James finally burst out. He took a deep breath and turned to them, ignoring the fact that everyone in class seemed to be looking at him. ‘Could you _please_ finish your lover’s quarrel later? This class is already too impossible without you gossiping to each other. I don't _care_ what will happen at Christmas or in Hogsmeade or anywhere, but I'm really trying to get one of nine OWLs here, because, unlike you, I really want to do something with my life. Is it too much to ask for a moment of peace _?’_

From their expression, it seemed to James he was really asking for much. He didn't care anymore, because he was just tired - mostly of Evans, of not understanding her, of wanting to understand her and hating this inexplicable need.

Life was easier when he was ignored by Black, when Evans didn't even know he existed, or when Evans didn't expect _anything_ from him.

Because the only thing James expected from himself was to become an animagus. This was the only ambition he craved and he had worked for it, but he also needed _nine OWLs,_ and he was taking nine classes. And he needed an Outstanding on his worst subject.

He had already too many problems without Evans and Black complicating things.

‘Potter’, Evans began, and James wouldn't know if her voice was threatening or reassuring, because at that moment, he felt something cold on his arm.

A ghost professor was touching him - if he could call it that, because the ghostly hand was going right through his skin. He jumped.

‘Maybe you should relax outside, Parker’.

‘Potter’, James corrected automatically, nodding and getting up.

_Perfect,_ he thought. Now, as well as not having heard the first half of the class, he would not even hear the rest. _Who wants to be an animagus anyway?_

He left the room, annoyed, not bothering to get his notes. It was the last class of the day and, with any luck, he would go back there during dinner, when the room would be empty, and he would still find it in his table.

Or, more likely, Black would just throw it out of the window. It wouldn't be the first time.

Maybe his life would be easier if he were friends with Black. But he had never wanted an easy life anyway.

* * *

His stomach was rumbling, loud enough that he would be ashamed if anyone was near. But James was alone now, for which he was grateful. If he disregarded his hunger, it was nice to spend his free time at the Astronomy Tower, watching the sky darkening around him while he finished drawing the schemes of the twelve Constellations that he should know by heart for the final exam – and which was the only thing he could study without the rest of his school material; the weather was nice there at the top of the tower, and somehow, being isolated always made him feel good, when it seemed like no problem could affect him -

‘Potter?’

James swore quietly; when he turned around, he saw Lily Evans standing at the top of the stairs, looking at him.

There was something intimidating in the way her green eyes were sparkling, but still, after the day he had, Evans was the second person he least wanted to talk to.

‘What?’, he asked, not caring to be cordial. All Evans had done was treating him as miserably as possible. 'I’m busy’.

‘I see’, she said, lifting her eyebrows, although she did not sound sarcastic. 'I brought your stuff’.

And she handed him the notes he had left in the classroom. James blinked, surprised, because he hadn't imagined that Evans would care enough to return him his things.

It took him a few seconds to understand that Evans was just being nice to him, and even longer for him to realize that there was no catch there. That made him pause; they’ve never had any interaction before.

'I want to tell you something’, she said, after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence in the air. James realized, too late, that he should have thanked her. 'It won't take much of your time’, Evans added, sounding just a little bit sarcastic, but James thought he may have deserved that.

In a deliberately slow gesture, he packed his things and lifted his eyes to face Evans. It was not as easy to make that eye competition with Evans as it was with Black; he supposed it was because Black's dark eyes didn't make him want to get lost in them.

Evans consulted her watch before crossing her arms.

'You were wrong’, she said.

Anger stirred inside him. So, Lily Evans, the most popular and perfect girl in school, was interrupting his study to say he was wrong? _Great._

He forgot any gratitude he may have felt with her nice gesture before.

'Wrong in thinking you wanted to say something important? That's right', James agreed furiously, getting up and determined to be as far from Evans as possible.

But she stepped forward, putting herself in front of him. And for the first time, James noticed that she was only slightly smaller than him - a good size to fit in his arms easily. For the first time, he smelled her perfume – a nice combination of flowers he could not name correctly - and it disoriented him enough for her to speak again.

'When you said I didn't care what I wanted of my life, I mean. I need anything above Exceeds Expectations in _seven_ classes for an application for the Department of Mysteries’.

James stared at her, surprised. Perfect Evans working as an Unspeakable? If he had tried to guess it, he would have thought of her as a Healer or a future Minister of Magic – careers that would much more prestigious and glorious than spending twelve hours a day in an obscure department in the Ministry of Magic.

‘So, I'm sorry that our conversation has troubled you. I didn't think any class of History of Magic would make a difference to anyone really’.

There was still a light tone of irony on her voice, but James thought he could approve this time.

‘Well -’, he began, thinking that it was the second time in his life that Evans apologized to him. The world was becoming a strange place, ‘ - truth be told until I found out I needed an OWL in this class, I never really cared either’.

That made Evans laugh. James had made Lily Evans laugh.

And her laugh was pleasant. Not too high as Marlene's was sometimes, and not too sweet like Mary McDonald's. He had never noticed it before, he thought, maybe because Evans usually laughed when she was with Black.

'So, what do you want to do with your life?’

James hesitated; the truth was that really wanted to become an animagus, but after that, he had no idea. Office job at the Ministry of Magic? It would made him feel suffocated. Being an Auror like the Frank Longbottom? It seemed interesting, but whenever he thought about fighting dark wizards, he didn't imagine waiting three years and a diploma to be able to fight. Professional Quidditch player? That was even unlikely, as if any team would notice someone who didn't even play for the school team.

'Okay, none of my business, I get it’, Evans said, distracting him. She had taken a few steps back, her face empty of expressions.

'No, I just – it's not your fault, I mean - I don't know, to be honest’.

Evans raised her eyebrows.

'And you accused me of not knowing what I want of my life?’, she asked, but it didn't really sound like a complaining.

‘I _know_ that I need nine OWL for something that I _really_ want, that needs approval from the Ministry for even beginning it. It’s something _for life_. But I will need recommendation from nine professors, apart from Dumbledore's, which I already have -’

'It must be very ambitious’, she noted, without looking at James, and he knew that was as far as she would go to ask him what he was talking about.

He wanted to tell her the truth, but something held him. The only person he’d ever told his plans, other than Professor McGonagall and only because she was guiding him, was Severus, and all because he thought that as his best friend, Severus would approve and reassure him if needed. He hadn't even told his parents yet.

When he thought about it, he felt silly, but he didn’t want anyone knowing if he failed. It was the only ambition he’d ever had in Hogwarts and for once he didn’t want to be laughed if things went wrong. And there were so many ways for it to be amiss. He could not even be approved by the Ministry if he failed any OWL. He could not be able to transform himself – maybe two years of special lessons with McGonagall would be wasted, since, as she had told him since the beginning, becoming an animagus was much more than casting a spell.

Or he could find out his animagus was a guinea pig, which was definitively something he would not want anyone to ever know.

'Sorry’, he mumbled finally to Evans. 'It’s kind of private’.

She nodded, looking a little crestfallen for a few moments; then she glanced at her watch.

‘I have to go. Before Sirius uses our _secret tricks_ and realizes that I'm here’. She gave James a sideways look, with a rather mischievous smile that made him smile back, almost without realizing it. 'He's not a big fan of yours’.

‘He _hates_ me, Evans', James remembered, as they walked down the tower's spiral staircase. Evans laughed softly.

‘No, Sirius hates _your friend_. Snape’.

There was something on her voice that left no doubt in James’ mind that she was being honest.

'What about me?’

Evans hesitated, seeming to struggle to find the right words.

'Sirius doesn't understand you, Potter. And he’s not the only one’, she added quietly, almost as if it were a thought that had escaped more than something she really wanted to say.

James glanced at her, wanting her to explain, but Evans seemed too distracted to notice his stare.

‘So’, she began, indicating the parchments of diagrams in his hand, when they entered the seventh-floor corridor. 'Studying astronomy?’

That was such an obvious question that it took James a while to process the question. The only thing that was occurring to him was that Evans seemed to be making an effort to be nice to him.

‘Yes’, he said at last. ‘I need to pass all my classes, because I only take nine’.

‘It must be stressful’, she noted, in an eerily delicate voice.

She didn't use that voice with Black - but then, it stroked James and he felt stupid for not thinking about it before, Black hadn't read a letter in which she had lied to her mother.

'You don't have to do this, Evans’, he told her, sound as tired and defeated as he felt. There he was again letting Evans upset him, even though he’d swore to himself it wouldn't happen again.

'Do what?’

'Behaving as if you were my friend or that you care with me, just so that I don't say anything about that letter’. She stiffened. ‘I already said I won't tell anyone’.

'Do you think – you really -’, she shook her head, pressing her lips, apparently unable to say anything. And then she looked at James with fire in her eyes. ‘I wasn’t acting like your friend, Potter. I wasn't going to lower myself to that’. She paused, but James didn’t answer. He wasn't going to let her words hit him, not anymore. 'And why would I trust your word anyway? Why would I trust you?’

'Because I'm not going to _lower myself_ and tell your secrets, Evans. Even if you deserve it’, he added, in the chilliest voice he could muster, and, without looking back, he turned around and passed straight down the stairs, all his hunger gone.

* * *

James was supposed to study Potions, read the lost chapter of History of Magic, or even finish his Astronomy charts - but he traded it all for a mug of his favourite hot chocolate in the kitchens. It wasn't as good as flying, which would be his first option if it didn’t mean he would have to go all way up to the Gryffindor Tower, but there was something comfortable in sitting in a chair, watching the house elves come and go - which made him miss Layla, the Potter family house-elf. In the kitchens, nobody was fighting him, or accusing him of anything, or distrusting him. No elf would treat him well just to gain something in return.

The more he thought about it, the angrier he felt. Evans should be living proof that appearance did not say anything about the person; well, she and Black. They were both perfect and beautiful and well-liked by almost everyone, but none of it mattered since they didn't care about anyone but themselves.

There was really no justice in the world.

He jumped on his feet, and the house-elves came back to gather around him.

‘Master want anything else?’, they asked almost at the same time. James tried to smile, but he felt it was coming more like a grimace. Justice and luck were not things that house-elves could grant him.

'No, thank you. The chocolate was great’.

They bowed – James resisted the urge to bowl back - and opened a way for him to leave. Outside the kitchen, he put on his Invisibility Cloak, as always loving the feeling of isolation that the Cloak provided to him. He had spent many hours exploring Hogwarts invisibly, especially at night, when he could analyse each of the ghosts that passed by him, or sometimes even a professor who was doing the last round of the night.

And that the night, the Cloak gave him a rare opportunity to examine Lily Evans when she came down the stairs behind the tapestry of the first-floor corridor, her lovely face flushed from running; there was a peculiar disturbance in her features, as if she’d just heard of someone's death. James didn't understand it, and he scolded himself for even being curious in the first place - Evans was an enigma that he shouldn't -

She put her foot on the wrong step on the stair, on that disappearing-step that everyone had already learned to jump. And suddenly, before James could do anything, Evans was falling, rolling down the last seven steps until she was laying at the foot of the stairs, immobile.

'Evans!’, he cried, letting his Cloak fall in the ground and running towards her.

He knelt by her side. Evans was breathing hard. He brushed her red hair from her face; even through the evident pain in her eyes, he could see she was surprised by his appearance.

‘Potter? Where did you came from?’, she asked, trying to raise, but this movement only caused a cry of pain.

‘Don't move’, he told her, evaluating the situation. Her right leg was bent at an odd angle and now that her hair was out of her face, he could see there was a nasty cut on her forehead. She was bleeding.

He looked around, but even with all the sound they were making in the middle of night, the corridor was still desert.

‘I need to -’, she gasped, panting. 'I can’t -’

‘Just be quiet, I'll get some help -’

'No!’, Evans grabbed his arm urgently. He had never seen her so desperate before. ‘There is no time, you need to save him!'

‘Save _him_? Who?’

'Sirius -’, she began, and the effort to talk made tears appear in her eyes. ‘ - he made a mistake – it was just a trick - he told -’, she took a deep breath, trying to stop her lips from trembling. ‘He told Snape about the secret passage. In the Whomping Willow, there is a knot on the tree trunk, the largest one - it opens a passage’.

'Okay’, James agreed, trying to calm her, even though he didn’t understand why she seemed so upset by that. ‘I will get him back after we take you to the Hospital Wing’.

‘No, you don’t understand! He is in danger! Remus – I mean – at the end of the passage – it's full moon tonight. There is a _werewolf_ '.

James’ face went white.

'You mean there is a werewolf in the secret passage under the Whomping Willow?’

She nodded weakly.

‘At the end of it. Go, you need to run! You must save him! And -’, she blinked, and a tear fell from her eye. 'Be careful, Potter. Don't die’.

Evans sounded more urgent than ever. He nodded one time and rose, pausing only to grab his Cloak and running before he could think of anything. In minutes he was shooting across the Great Hall, towards the front door, still unlocked at that time of the night. He felt the cold air of the night on his face, and, when he looked at the sky, the full moon was shining among the clouds, seeming to mock him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: James discovers that it is not always possible to save someone who does not want to be saved. Black's intentions are explained and James is compared to someone he never considered before.


	3. Loyalty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be two, but all scenes worked better together than separated. If you have any comments, I'll be happy to hear them!

_'And then, your father did something Snape could never forgive.’_

_'What?'_

_'He saved his life.'_ \- HP and the Philosopher's Stone.

* * *

James never ran so fast in his life.

The Whomping Willow was already visible at the top of the hill, but the tree still seemed too far. Through the panic, his mind was racing, calculating possibilities and imagining scenarios that did not help him at all; he had no idea how far Snape had gone, whether he’d already reached the end of that tunnel or if he’d already met the werewolf.

 _Remus Lupin_. After all, Severus had been right all along. After all, it would be his willingness to prove his theory that would lead him to his death.

James couldn't let that happen. He ran harder, pushing his muscles to the limit even though he didn’t feel tired. The only thing he really felt was the pure adrenaline coursing through his veins, making everything in his path seem clear and for the first time, he felt like a true Gryffindor. Someone brave and noble who could not stop from saving someone from danger – he'd do this for Black, for a stranger or, even if he hated Snape.

The Whomping Willow was quiet, motionless in the night, but James didn't trust the tree ever since he saw it almost taking the eye off from a boy, so he approached it warily. He took the largest branch he could find fallen on the ground and rounded the Whomping Willow, trying to guess which was the biggest knot in the root. He tried twice and twice the tree stroked back, whipping his shoulder and drawing blood.

'Think, James’, he murmured to himself, squinting under the lens of his glasses to look better in the night. The pain in his shoulder was increasing but he could not focus on that now. 'It's just like catching the Snitch’.

It was not much different from flying, he thought. The sensations were the same: adrenaline rushed in his blood, urging him to act, and the tree could be just nasty bludgers. He just needed to concentrate - and then, there was the largest knot he’d seen, hiding under some fallen branches. He touched it with the branch and the Whomping Willow stopped suddenly, one of its branches inches away from hitting his face.

He took a deep breath and entered the hole below the knot.

It was a long, dark tunnel. James lit his wand and pocketed away his Invisibility Cloak; he had a feeling it would not be useful if he met the werewolf.

'Severus?’, he shouted, his voice echoing in the tunnel. 'Snape!’

There was no answer. Without thinking, he moved forward as quickly as possible, stumbling upon holes and roots in the ground. The tunnel made him feel claustrophobic - that was one of the things James loved most about flying, the feeling of being in an open space, not in a place that could collapse on him without notice.

 _Don't die_.

Evans's voice came back to him and he felt a sudden urge to smile, remembering how urgent Evans had sounded, even though she was the one wounded and bleeding on the ground. She had sounded so serious. She really didn't want him to die.

And when she’d fallen, Evans had been on her way to save Severus Snape, someone James knew she didn’t really care about, but she’d go anyway. Not unlikely James would have done if it was Black who was in danger.

Maybe, just maybe, they had something in common.

The tunnel did not seem to end. How long had he been running? Ten minutes? Fifteen? Undoubtedly Severus would have already reached the end of the passage, and if he had opened it... And then, just after another curve, he saw Severus Snape, curved and in defense position, his wand raised and pointing to James. There was a wooden door closed behind him.

'James?’, Snape asked surprised, lowering his wand. 'What are you doing here?’

'You need to leave now’, James said, pulling him by the arm. Severus didn't move.

'Lupin is here!’, he said, feverish and excited. 'This is my chance to prove that I was right, he really is a werewolf!’

'The only thing you’ll prove is that you are a dead man if we don't leave!’

Severus shook his head.

'I will go, just after I have proof of it’.

'Look, I believe you. You don't have to prove it', James said, trying to keep his voice steady, even though he felt more panic now with Severus than he had felt on the way there.

'But I do have. You see, then the werewolf will be expelled! Don't you understand? Black knew his friend was a monster, he always knew - and when I tell Dumbledore, he will have to expel him too!’

By the light of James’ wand, Severus’ eyes seemed to shine with his nonexistent triumph. James wanted to force him to see reason - to make him see that it was not possible that _Dumbledore_ did not know that one of his students was a werewolf, that he did not know about this secret passage. But Severus wouldn't listen to him – James knew him well enough to know that nothing could change his mind when he was adamant on an idea.

James took a deep breath and raised his wand, but Snape just smiled patronizingly.

‘Gonna hex me, James?’, he asked, without any concern in his voice.

‘If I have to’, James agreed. ‘I don't want to, but if it will save your life, yes. You're out of your mind, Sev’.

He laughed, perhaps at the nickname that James hadn't really used ever since they went to Hogwarts, and the laughter echoed in the tunnel. But when Snape looked at James, he seemed almost disappointed.

‘This is our chance, James’, he said feverishly. ‘To expel these scums from Hogwarts. Just imagine, no Black, no Marauders. What else do you want?’

James opened his mouth to argue, but no word escaped; behind Severus, behind the closed door, there was a sudden cry of pain. Screams reverberated from that door and then those human screams turned into howls.

Severus looked at James and there was undeniable determination in his eyes as he turned.

‘No!’, James cried, at the same moment that Snape raised his wand.

‘ _Alohomora!_ ’, he said, and the door opened.

It was probably the unlikelihood of that door ever opening that saved their lives. As it was, they both saw the dark brown fur of the werewolf, on the other side of the room, and, as the creature turned its head in their direction, the only thing that James noticed the pale green eyes of the werewolf – it was the same color as Lupin's.

But there was nothing human in those eyes and the moment they met James', he felt another rush of adrenaline. He moved forward at the same time the werewolf dashed to them; he pushed the door with all his might just as the creature’s head hit the door, growling and roaring angrily.

‘Come on!’, he cried, and Snape, who had been frozen on the spot, blinked and turned to help him. As he moved, however, one of the claws of the werewolf managed through the door, scratching his outstretched arm. Snape fell back, those cuts instantly spilling blood, and using a force he didn't know he had, James managed to lock the door back.

The werewolf knocked on the door again, but it stood her ground. James took a deep breath, trying to control himself, and turned to his friend on the ground. His clothes were torn and already soaked in blood.

‘ _Episkey’_ , he murmured, pointing his wand, but there was no effect. He tried not to show any panic. ‘Come on, Madam Pomfrey better have a look at this’.

* * *

James had never seen Dumbledore's face as serious as in the moment they left the Whomping Willow and found the headmaster running towards them, already waving his wand so that the tree was still.

‘What happened?’, Dumbledore asked, pointing his wand to Snape and performing a spell to stop the blood from flowing. Severus staggered, his face very white; he had bled the whole way back. James considered it a bad sign he had not started complaining to Dumbledore about the werewolf yet.

James swallowed hardly and then, as they hurried back to the castle, he told Dumbledore the story, neglecting to mention all details. He didn't explain why he was walking around the castle after curfew; he just said that he had found Lily Evans lying on the stairs – at this Severus had turned to him, in surprise – and that she had told him that Snape had found out about the secret passage and was in danger.

He explained he had come to get Severus and that they had met a werewolf at the end of that passage. He didn't need to confirm whether it was Lupin or not, and he felt that he didn't need to explain the whole story because Dumbledore's eyes always gave him the feeling that he could read his thoughts anyway.

So he asked something that had been bothering him for some time.

‘He will be fine? Lu – I mean – the werewolf?’

This question made Dumbledore and Snape look at him. Severus looked accusing and frustrated as if James had betrayed him but the headmaster seemed to analyse him as if he were deciphering his thoughts.

‘He will be’, Dumbledore said at last, and relief flooded James.

The door of the Hospital Wing was ajar, and, as they got closer, James heard Lily Evans's loud voice echoing from there.

‘I can't stay here!’, she was roaring, agitated. Besides James, Severus panted and, when James looked at him, he seemed even paler than from the blood loss. ‘I have to do something!’

‘Professor Dumbledore has already gone after them, dear, now you must sit –‘

Dumbledore waved his wand and the doors opened wide. Evans stopped what she was saying and turned back to stare at us. For a moment, everything was still, and James could only see Lily Evans's white face, her green eyes reflecting the infirmary lights; then Madam Pomfrey moved, dragging Severus to one of the beds and forcing him to lie down.

‘It was – not - what happened?’, she asked, pulling several potions out of a box.

‘The werewolf’, James whispered, forcing his voice out and trying to ignore Evans's stare. ‘But it was just a scratch, the paw –‘

Madam Pomfrey nodded.

‘Thank goodness it was not a bite’, she said, waving her wand. The blood on the cut flowed again. She gave Snape a small bottle. ‘Drink this, Severus, it's a Sleeping Potion. This is not going to be pleasant’.

James figured Severus must be feeling really bad, because he just took the potion without complaining. In an instant, his face relaxed and he slept soundly. The nurse turned to James.

‘You, Potter’, she said firmly. ‘Sit over there’.

‘I'm not hurt’, James argued quickly. In response, Madam Pomfrey just pointed at his shoulder, and, when James looked, he saw the cuts from the Whomping Willow. His sweater was soaked with his own blood, but he hadn’t really felt any pain until now, looking at the fresh cuts, and in any case, James thought the cut did not seem profound. ‘It is nothing’, he insisted.

Madam Pomfrey just shook her head, still busy organizing potions and bandages for Snape.

‘You better accept Poppy's suggestion’, recommended Dumbledore, sounding just a bit amused. ‘You too, Miss Evans’.

Evans jumped as if waking abruptly from a dream and tore her gaze away from James. She crossed her arms, agitated and unhappy, but sat quietly on the bed next to James.

‘Will you be okay, Poppy?’, Dumbledore asked and the nurse nodded, without turning to him.

‘I'll do my best, Albus. With luck, it won't leave any permanent scars’.

Next to James, Evans trembled and lowered her head.

‘You will stay here’, the headmaster said to James in a calm voice, but his tone left it clear it was an order. ‘I will come and talk to you, Mr. Potter, and to your friend. Neither should leave before that’.

Dumbledore looked seriously at James until he nodded.

‘I must go now, there is someone else I must see tonight’.

‘Headmaster?’, Evans called suddenly, sounding abnormally uncertain. ‘About Sirius –‘

‘Mr. Black made a horrible mistake, Miss Evans, and he will be held accountable. But he also came directly to me to confess what he had done, which shows his regret’.

That made Evans smile a little as if she expected to hear that.

‘And no long-term harm seems to have happened’. Dumbledore paused and looked at her from behind his half-moon glasses. ‘He will not be expelled, Miss Evans’.

She nodded, looking extremely relieved, and laid against the pillows in her bed.

‘Thank you, Headmaster’, Evans murmured.

Dumbledore nodded and turned around to leave. As he was closing the door of the Hospital Wing, he stopped and looked at James and Lily again.

‘You both acted good tonight’, he declared, with an appraising smile. ‘You should be proud of yourselves’.

And closed the door.

* * *

After treating Severus for half an hour, Madam Pomfrey sighed and closed the curtains around his bed.

‘Will he be ok?’, James asked apprehensively, while the nurse cleaned the cut on his shoulder with some potion that made his left arm feel numb.

‘Severus needs rest now’, she replied. ‘He lost a lot of blood, but fortunately, the cuts were not very deep. In two or three months the scars will be gone. He is alright now’.

‘Thank goodness’, James heard Evans murmur, and there was such undeniable relief in her voice that James felt suddenly fondness for her.

And then he wondered what Severus would say if he told him about Lily Evans' concerns for him. It would make him smile; but also, it would encourage him to keep dreaming about Evans, which James thought was not very healthy.

‘Werewolf, James?’ Madam Pomfrey asked, displeased, drawing his attention. ‘You’ve been always so careful! What were you thinking? Why didn't you wait for help from a professor?’

James shrugged, which was not easy with the numbness on his shoulder. The truth was that even if he’d had time to call someone, he would not have thought of doing so. From the moment Evans had told him what had happened, there was one single thought on his mind: to save Severus from any harm.

And he hadn’t really thought of calling for help, hadn’t felt any urge to be careful as Madam Pomfrey had called him. The adrenaline rush had excited him, urging him to act, and now he could not deny he had enjoyed that feeling of taking a risk, no matter how reckless it had been.

Madam Pomfrey tapped his wound and the cut closed.

‘Thank you’, he said grinning and she handed him his pajamas. As he passed the curtain around the bed to change for the night, he could hear Evans arguing with the nurse.

‘I'm fine’, she was insisting. ‘I don't need to spend the night here’.

‘Professor Dumbledore –‘

‘Said that Potter and Snape should stay, not me’, she argued.

‘Perhaps, but I say you will stay, Lily. You fell down the stairs and you are going to spend the night under my care’.

Evans muttered mutinously under her breath, but when James heard her draw the curtains around her bed, too, he knew she had given up. When he laid down on the bed and pulled the curtains away, he saw that Evans was already changed, sitting on her bed with her arms crossed.

‘What?’ she asked when she caught James’ eyes and he looked away quickly. He really wasn't in the mood to argue more; the numbness in his arm was passing to the rest of his body, and after the adrenaline rush he had experienced, all he wanted to do was sleep. Taking risks was good, but also tiring. ‘Ah, damn it’, Evans murmured, startling him. ‘I did it again’.

James wished he didn’t feel so drawn to understand Lily Evans, because if it weren't for this, he would have closed his eyes and just tried to get some sleep. Instead, he turned towards her and rested his head on his good arm, looking at her, waiting for her to continue.

‘I took out my anger on you’, Evans said. ‘Why is it so easy to yell at you, Potter?’

The honest curiosity in her voice eased the question a little.

‘I am easily hated’, he said nonchalantly, and the tone of his voice made her laugh.

‘I already told you I don't hate you, Potter. It's just…’

Her voice died, but Lily Evans kept looking at him. James thought it was strangely difficult to keep her gaze for so long.

Her sea-green eyes were really mesmerizing.

‘What?’

She shook her head, looking away.

‘I don't know’, she said earnestly.

And she laid down, closing her eyes. James knew he should try to sleep, but he found himself staring at Lily Evans' features. There was something peaceful and beautiful in the way she was sighing, and when she frowned for a moment, he felt suddenly desperate to understand what was on her mind.

After a few minutes, he started noticing other details. He knew Lily Evans was breathtakingly beautiful, with her bright green eyes and her copper hair and the way she acted so confidently around other people. But he thought that then, with her face lit by the moonlight, looking serene and without people worshipping her, she looked more beautiful than ever.

‘Thank you’, she whispered, and for a mad moment, James thought he had spoken out loud his thoughts of her. ‘For going after Snape. For listening to me’. She opened her eyes. ‘You didn't have to trust me. For all you knew, I was a lunatic’.

James grinned. ‘You never seemed crazy to me, Evans’.

‘Still. Thank you for believing in me’, she said, her voice fierce.

‘Thanks for telling me. Thanks for worrying’.

She turned to face him; her expression was serious.

‘I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't spend much of today – yesterday – mad at you, or that I care for Snape, Potter. But I never wanted anything to happen with any of you. Just thinking about it –‘.

She shivered.

‘I know, you were going after him yourself’, he remembered. ‘You wouldn't let a person die just because Black talked more than he should’.

An apologetic smile appeared on her lips.

‘You shouldn't be so hard on him’, she said, still fiercely. ‘Sirius really didn't mean it’.

James raised his eyebrows and sat on the bed, startled.

‘" _He didn't mean it_ "?’, he repeated incredulously. She gave him a warning look, and without turning away from her, he grabbed the wand he had left on the nightstand and pointed it to the door of Madam Pomfrey's office. ‘ _Muffliato!_ ’

Evans looked at him curiously, but he wouldn’t tell her who had taught him that spell.

‘Black _told_ Severus about a passage that led him directly to a hungry werewolf!’

Evans frowned stubbornly.

‘Potter’, she sighed. ‘What Sirius did was meant to be a joke’. She held up a finger to shut him up when he began stirring. ‘Only he miscalculated. He saw it when Snape followed Remus to the Whomping Willow. And he didn't think – I mean, Snape was going back to the castle, was almost giving up on discovering any passage, and then Sirius thought – Snape already knew too much – and Sirius had this brilliant idea of pretending to let slip the secret. He thought Snape could be scared, he never considered –‘

‘That Severus could end up with three scars on his arm?’, James suggested furiously.

Evans sighed sadly, and James suddenly wished she would start yelling at him again; her patience, while he felt like arguing on this matter, made him feel tiny again.

‘Sirius was never good at predicting consequences’, she admitted. ‘He just wanted Snape to be so terrified that he wouldn't go after Remus anymore’. She smiled tentatively. ‘Sirius cares for his friends, you know’.

‘Not enough’, James argued dryly. ‘How does he think Lupin would feel if he’d killed someone? What if Severus decided to tell everyone? What if he was bitten?’

She rested her head on her arms.

‘As I said, Sirius never thinks about consequences. Or at least, he doesn't worry about them’. Evans looked at him critically. ‘You remind me of him actually’.

‘What?’, James asked, surprised and a little annoyed, because being compared to Black was not something he had hoped for.

‘Neither of you cares much about the consequences. You could have died today, Potter’.

‘It’s different!’, James complained, determined. ‘I didn't care what would happen because it was the right to do. It was to save someone, not for a joke or –‘

‘Sirius thought he was saving Remus’, she said simply. ‘Snape has been so close to finding out the truth, and if he knew, he would tell everyone – you don't know Remus well, you have no idea how much he fears leaving Hogwarts. He's like us, he has no family’.

‘"Us"?’

She blinked and her face flushed as if Evans had only then realized that she had said too much.

‘Forget it’, she said, looking back at the ceiling. There was a minute of silence, then she sighed. ‘Being compared to Sirius is not an offense, Potter. He will be grateful to you for fixing his mistake’.

‘It wasn't for him that I went after Severus’, James assured. He didn't need and he wasn't sure he wanted Black to feel gratitude towards him. Evans threw him an annoyed look.

‘Why do you hate him so much?’

‘I don't hate Black! He's the one who made a point of making my life hell for the last four years. He's the one who bothers me when I never did anything to –‘

‘Ah, Potter’, Evans looked a little sheepish. ‘I’m sorry, but yes, you did something’. She looked away from him, to Snape's bed, where he was profoundly asleep. ‘You remained his friend’.

‘What –‘

‘Look, you probably guess why Sirius hates Slytherin so much. It is everything he despises, everything he doesn’t trust, everything he tries to avoid at all costs’. Evans looked at him like she was expecting him to understand something he had no idea what it was. ‘And when he looks at you, Potter… You were supposed to be friends. You were supposed to be one of us’.

James opened his eyes, in shock.

‘A _Marauder_?’

She smiled.

‘It wouldn't be a bad idea’, she said, amusement flashing in her eyes for a few seconds. ‘The point is that Sirius feels like you have betrayed him’.

He shook his head, confused.

‘How could I –‘

‘You shouldn't have remained friends with Snape. The moment you came to Gryffindor and he went to Slytherin… But you didn't do that. You chose Snape, not those people who really share the same beliefs you do’.

‘I shouldn't have to choose, Evans!’, James spluttered. ‘I should be able to be friends with whomever I want, regardless of which House we are –‘

‘Even Slytherin? They say that every dark wizard was a Slytherin. They say they love the Dark Arts. They say they don't mind destroying what's in their way if it's in their interest’.

‘And they say that in Ravenclaw there are only beautiful and intelligent people, and nobody in Gryffindor is afraid of anything and Hufflepuff has all loyal and hardworking people. And that is not how it works. You are smart and obviously loyal to Black and beautiful – but you are in Gryffindor. Snape is ambitious, yes, but he will not become a dark lord because of that. I _know_ him’.

For a moment, there was a shadow of a smile on Lily Evans’ face. But before James could understand it, she shook her head and looked away, with a sigh.

‘So loyal to your friend’, Evans noted, with a hint of amusement on her voice. ‘Guess who you remind me of?’

James rolled his eyes and laid down again.

‘I really don't want you to be wrong about Snape’, she added quietly. ‘But you understand that if I happen to be right, I won't be surprised?’

‘You shouldn't judge him before you met him’.

She just frowned.

‘He's always hanging out with creepy people’, Evans said, seeming to speak almost to herself. ‘Mulciber, Avery, Travis – and he was very friendly with Malfoy’.

‘He hangs out with me too, you know’, James said lightly, but she didn't smile.

‘Which I don’t get it really. Ah, Potter –‘, she added, when she saw the grimace in his face, ‘ – I may not know you very well, but I _know_ you have no prejudice against people like me’. When he just looked confused, she sighed. ‘Muggleborn, I mean’.

‘Ah’, he hesitated, because Evans was so good at doing magic that he never really remembered that her parents were Muggle. ‘But Snape never spoke ill of you’.

It was quite the opposite, in fact, but he didn’t’ feel like sharing that information with her. For some reason, James didn't want Evans to realize how much Snape liked her.

‘Maybe he just doesn’t share it with you’, she suggested.

James shook his head resolutely.

‘Severus is not like that. He doesn’t care for Dark Arts. He's not bad’.

James paused, and a memory flew to his mind, of the one time he had entered the Slytherin Common Room, hidden under his Invisibility Cloak. But he ignored it, as he always did; just because Severus was present, it didn't mean he’d agreed with the meeting that happened there.

‘Do you think I would be friends with him if he were _evil_?’

‘I do not think so’, she agreed slowly, studying him, and it suddenly occurred to James that her green eyes gave him the same feeling of Dumbledore’s blue eyes. It was like she could read his mind. ‘But I also think that you are so loyal to him, James, that you wouldn’t see if he was’.

And she smiled sadly as if she could see his future and found it tragic.

Then she faced the ceiling, at the moment a cloud covered the moon, and the room was suddenly covered in darkness. Somewhere outside, a wolf howled; he knew it could not be Lupin, but the sound made Evans wince.

‘I wish I could do something for Remus’, she whispered unhappily. ‘I wish he didn't have to suffer so much’. She paused and closed her eyes. ‘Good night, Potter’.

‘Good night, Evans’.

He looked through the window, trying not to think how it must be for Remus alone out there, and he fell asleep listening to Lily Evans' calm breathing, like a lullaby.

* * *

James woke with a start. It took him a moment to recognize his surroundings and one more second for him to remember what had happened the night before.

He sat, putting on his glasses, and looked around. Lily Evans was standing by the open window, looking at him.

‘Sorry to wake you up’, she murmured, her voice still sleepy. She was caressing a silver owl. ‘It's Bond, he has a little problem with time zones still –‘

‘Bond?’, he interrupted her. She nodded. ‘As in "James Bond"?’

‘Do you _know_ James Bond?’, Evans asked, sounding as surprised as James felt. He nodded, feeling suddenly awake.

‘I love his movies! I mean, Sean Connery is the best agent that _ever_ –‘

‘Actually’, she frowned, exasperate, ‘I quite enjoy Roger Moore as James Bond’.

‘He doesn't have Connery's elegance’, James argued firmly; he had already discussed this before with Severus, even though his friend hadn't shared the same enthusiasm James felt for movies. Evans giggled suddenly. ‘What?’

‘It’s just – us’, she said. ‘Firstly, I can’t believe you _watch movies_. Secondly, I can’t believe we are up at – what? – six in the morning discussing James Bond’. She glanced at him curiously. ‘How do you even know James Bond?’

He pointed to the bed where Severus Snape still slept.

‘We usually go to the movies on holidays when we have nothing to do’, he explained, and Evans's smile faded a little, but she kept her face calm.

‘Muggle strolls?’

He nodded and after throwing him another peculiar look, she returned to stroking her owl.

‘What is his problem, anyway?’, James asked, glancing at the bird. ‘Owls are usually smarter’.

The owl turned its head in his direction, looking insulted. Evans just sighed.

‘My parents got me Bond when they went to the United States last summer’, she said shortly, and now there was a note of tension in her voice. ‘That's why he is still confused, the time zones messed up everything’. The owl hooted. ‘But you're going to learn, aren't you, Bond?’

The owl hooted again with more dignity. James pursed his lips to keep from laughing.

‘Thanks for the letter’, Evans whispered to the owl. ‘Go rest now’. 

The owl spread its wings and disappeared into the light blue sky; it was early morning. 

‘You should rest too, Potter’, Evans added, turning to him. 

He shrugged, not wanting to go back to sleep, even though he supposed he had slept for five or six hours only.

‘So’, he began, looking for something light they could talk to pass time. ‘United States?’

‘What?’

‘It's just the furthest place I’ve ever been was Cornwall and I _lived_ there’, James frowned, as always happened when he thought about Godric’s Hollow. He loved the village, but he had been so _bored_ there. ‘It's definitely not as fun as crossing the Atlantic’.

‘I suppose not’, Evans replied, but her voice sounded distant now. James didn’t understand her sudden change of demeanour.

‘So, how was it there?’

She went back to bed, careful to not look in his direction.

‘I wouldn't know, Potter. I never left Britain’. Evans took a deep breath. ‘I think I'll get some sleep’.

And then she closed her eyes, ignoring the confused look on James’ face.

* * *

James didn’t feel like even try to sleep, so he just stayed lying in his bed, stealing glances at Lily Evans, and wondering if he should tell her he knew she was just pretending to be asleep, which he knew by the way her breathing was uneven. In the end, he decided not to say anything; besides the fact that she clearly wanted to be left alone, he supposed it would seem weird how he had noticed her sleeping the night before.

It would be something like Severus would do, and James refused to be as charmed by Lily Evans as his friend was.

After one hour or so, when the sky was much brighter and Lily Evans had even given up pretending to sleep – she was staring at the ceiling, a dismayed expression on her face -, Madam Pomfrey returned to the Hospital Wing. She checked the still asleep Severus, swore to James that he was fine, with his cuts closed and clean, then turned to Evans.

‘I'm fine’, Evans said in a low voice. ‘No headache or dizziness. I just want to get out of here’.

‘You can go after breakfast’, insisted Madame Pomfrey, and trays of breakfast appeared by their bedside.

James ate quietly, hoping that Madam Pomfrey would also remember to provide him with new uniforms or to mend the one he had used the night before; he didn't really want to walk around the school with a torn sweater. He wondered if people would think he was even stranger – and then he wondered if there were rumors about what happened last night –

‘My sister is going to be engaged at the end of the year’, Evans murmured, without looking at James, but somehow he knew she was talking to him. ‘She sent me a letter a week ago, saying she didn't want me there. Told me her boyfriend's family will be there and she doesn’t want her boyfriend to realize that I am... _a freak_ ’ _._

James glanced at her, but she stayed looking at the piece of bread in her hand as if she were trying to memorize it. Every line of her face showed her unhappiness as she talked: ‘That's why I told my mom I am going to stay at Hogwarts this Christmas. That's why I'm not going home this year. That's why I lied in that letter you found’.

She turned her face to look at him. James took a deep breath.

‘You should have told your parents the truth’, he said. She didn't blink.

‘And say that my sister thinks I'm a freak? They wouldn’t believe it, they really don’t _see_ how my sister and I have nothing in common, they don’t understand how I lost her the minute I received my letter from Hogwarts’. She sighed. ‘And I love my sister enough to respect her wish. If she doesn't want my presence, she won't have it’.

‘But it’s not fair!’, James said indignantly. ‘You are missing your parents because of her’.

‘Maybe they don't care’, she whispered. ‘Last June, Petunia's boyfriend, Vernon, invited my parents for a trip to the United States, for some boring opening of a branch of his company. It was two weeks of vacation, it sounded great. Except... The trip was scheduled for the beginning of June and I could not go, because of the exams. And when the term was over, they would still be traveling’, she stopped, biting her lip. ‘So, I told them to go, that I could stay with a friend or rent a room somewhere. I told them to have fun’.

‘And they had’.

‘They loved it there. They had the time of their lives and they brought me Bond back. But –‘, she stopped again and, when James looked at her, he saw her lips were trembling. ‘But I didn't _want_ them to go. I wanted to go back and find my parents waiting for me at the Platform, just like they do every year! I wanted them to ask how my year had been, even if they never quite understand what I'm talking about’.

‘But if you told them to go –‘, James broke off, suddenly understanding what Evans had done. ‘You wanted them to decide to stay with you’.

‘I was miserable that week without them. But they enjoyed the trip so much, they returned saying how wonderful it was and how happy they were for Petunia, and I just wished – I wished they’d miss me more’. She smiled sadly. ‘I am a horrible person, I know’.

James shook his head resolutely.

‘You stayed unhappy to make them happy, Evans. How can that be horrible?’

‘It's just – just that sometimes I feel like I'm losing my parents. They never understood magic, they never expected it, it was a surprise for them as much for me when a professor came to our house to say I was a witch. And sometimes I really feel _a freak_ ’ _._

James got up slowly. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, but he stood next to Evans and put his hand over hers. She looked at him, her eyes showing her surprise.

He tried not to think about how his hand was probably too cold or too rough, and he tried very hard not to think about how comfortable it was to touch her.

‘You were just doing a noble thing, but sometimes you can't guess what the other person is feeling if you don't tell them. Even if it’s someone who should know you’, he paused, unsure if he should continue, but Evans seemed enthralled by his words. ‘And I don’t know your parents, of course, but I really think they care for you and that they miss you enough to bring you an owl, so you can keep contact even when you’re away’.

That made Evans smile warmly and something in James’ chest stirred for causing this reaction in her.

Madam Pomfrey came in, bringing them sets of fresh clothes. As if awakening, James removed his hand and stepped away, without looking at Evans. 

‘Potter?’, Evans said, after the nurse had left them, and they had changed clothes already. ‘Could you not discuss our conversation with anyone?’ Her voice was timid, not demanding or questioning. ‘Especially about why I'm staying at Hogwarts this Christmas. I told Sirius that I just didn't want to go home, and he's already feeling guilty for not staying with me without knowing my reasons'.

‘I won't mention it’, James promised solemnly.

‘Thank you’, she said, the same solemnity in her voice.

‘Why didn't you tell Black?’, asked James, testing his luck. Evans grinned suddenly.

‘Because he would only be worried about me. And he would probably try to fix it, which, as we discovered last night, would only cause more problem’.

And James couldn't resist the fun in her eyes and smiled together.

* * *

Dumbledore's eyes were not shining, which James took as a bad sign. Beside him, still much paler than usual, Severus looked repulsed. James looked away from them to the last bed of the Hospital Wing, where he knew Lupin was sleeping. He had arrived just a few minutes ago, brought by Madam Pomfrey, too weak to even notice their presence.

There was nothing in him of last night's hungry werewolf. _They are not the same_ , James thought.

‘Remus Lupin's condition is not his fault’, Dumbledore was saying, and James turned around. Dumbledore’s voice was serious and firm. ‘It was not something he chose and he won't be discriminated against because of it’.

‘He _could have –_ ‘, Severus began, but Dumbledore raised his hand and he fell silent.

‘Once a month, Remus goes to a safe location for his transformations. The Shrieking Shack is magically reinforced so that no one can enter it from outside except for that secret passage. The Whomping Willow was planted just so that no one can go there’. He looked gravely at Severus. ‘You shouldn't have gone after Remus Lupin last night. And if you had respected the prohibition against going near the tree, you would never have been hurt, you would never have put yourself or your friend in danger’.

‘And maybe a werewolf shouldn't go to school!’

Dumbledore sighed.

‘I will not expel Remus Lupin when he never did anything for anyone. He is an excellent, dedicated student, and deserves as much a place at Hogwarts as anyone else. It is not the qualities or faults that show who a person really is, but their choices. You should realize that, Severus, since you're still friends with Mr. Potter, even though you're so different from him’.

James blushed, confused whether that was a compliment or not. Dumbledore didn't seem to notice.

‘So, both of you are forbidden to ever tell anyone about his condition. I will not expel Remus Lupin, but I will expel whoever tells his secret’.

Severus shook his head, obviously still heated, and James sighed as he put his hand on Snape’s shoulder.

‘Sev’, he said, calling him by the forbidden nickname. ‘Don’t’.

He wanted to say more; he wanted Snape to calm down, to drop the matter because no harm was done. Even those scars on his arm would be gone in a few months. Why be angry, why ruin the life of someone who, except for three days a month, was a truly good person?

But he didn’t continue because Severus had turned to him and there was an expression of surprise and annoyance on his face as if James had betrayed him. James just kept his gaze steady, telling himself he wasn’t doing anything wrong. After a few seconds, Severus gave up and turned to Dumbledore.

‘I will _not_ tell anyone the secret of that _creature_ ’, he conceded resentfully.

‘I imagine this is the best I can hope for. James?’

Dumbledore was staring at him, waiting for an answer. James blinked, feeling slightly insulted. Wasn’t it obvious that he didn't care if Lupin was a werewolf, any more than if Severus was Slytherin?

‘I won’t tell’, he said.

Dumbledore's eyes shined at last.

‘Good. Now, I imagine there is someone who would like to speak to you now –‘, and, as if on cue, there was a soft knocking on the door. ‘Come in, Sirius’.

If it was possible, Severus’ face became even more white. He stood up, shaking and furious, when Black entered the Hospital Wing.

‘I won't hear _anything_ he has to say!’, he declared. Black ignored him as he approached them, his hands behind his back.

‘I just wanted to say that _I'm really sorry’,_ said Black. His voice was strangely nervous and he didn’t look directly at anyone. ‘I didn't really think about what might happen and –‘, he glanced at the bed where Lupin was sleeping. ‘- and I'm _glad_ that nothing bad happened’.

Raising his eyebrows, Severus extended his arm, where his cuts were now hidden by thick bandages. Black paled but did not answer.

‘See?’, Severus asked, looking furiously at Dumbledore. ‘He doesn't really care, he only regrets that his wonderful plan has failed! Are you going to let him get away with it? He deserves being expelled!’

‘Mr. Black will be held accountable for exposing information that he shouldn't even know’, Dumbledore replied dryly. ‘But not for your injuries, Severus. They were the product of _your_ choices’. He sighed. ‘If you don't want to hear anything else, Severus, you can come with me. I still have something to discuss with you’.

Severus continued to look repulsed but stood up.

‘We’ll talk at lunch’, James murmured to him, and Severus gave him that annoyed look again. ‘I'll have lunch at _your_ table today’, he added, and that made Severus’ face soften a little.

After eight years of friendship, James was good at the art of balancing his mood.

‘See you later’, Snape said and James nodded.

When the door closed behind Snape, James found that Black was still standing looking at him.

This was very uncomfortable; the truth was James didn't like Black and, no matter what Evans said, he knew the feeling was mutual. James always thought they were too different from each other, but, when their eyes met and James suddenly knew exactly what was on Black’s mind, he remembered Evans telling him how similar they were.

‘Don’t mention it’, he said, getting up. A tiny part of him thought he wanted to see Black apologizing to him, all humble, but it wouldn’t change anything and, no matter what questions Snape had risen, he could see Black was really remorseful.

Black bit his lip.

‘Look, Potter, it's just – I hate Snape, and I'm not going to pretend that I didn’t want to scare him. Maybe, deep down, I knew he could die, and yet I told him about the passage anyway. But now, I'm really relieved he didn't die, even if you don’t believe it –‘

‘Because of Lupin’, James guessed tiredly. ‘You realized how he would feel if he killed someone, even without meaning to’.

Black nodded, looking satisfied that James could understand it.

‘So that's why I want to thank you, Potter’. He looked at James, and for the first time, there was a warmth in his grey eyes. ‘For listening to Lily. She would never forgive me if it had gone all the way, and without her –‘, he took a deep breath. ‘Thank you for fixing my mistake when I was too stupid to do that’.

‘I didn't do it for you’, James said, and he regretted it a moment later; his voice had come out harsher than he had intended. Black grimaced but didn’t look offended.

‘I know, but still’. He paused and looked away. ‘You don't know how I felt when I realized what I had done. All I knew was that Lily had gone after Snape – and even my first thought wasn’t that they were in danger, only that my _trick_ with Snape had gone bad… And then, when I finally understood, there was no more time to go after her’.

‘That's when you went to Dumbledore’, James realized. Black nodded.

‘It was the only thing I could do’, he admitted, disgusted with himself. ‘She was in danger and –‘

‘It was brave, I think’, James said slowly, not quite believing what he was saying. ‘Telling the truth, admitting your mistake, asking for help. Dumbledore would say it takes courage to do the right thing’.

Black raised his eyebrows.

‘Are you _defending_ me _,_ Potter?’, he asked, sounding slightly amused.

‘I wouldn't call it that’. James shrugged. ‘But you were thinking of Lupin and you regretted it in the end, so – so that’s enough for me’.

James nodded again and looked away, wanting to get out of the room. That conversation with Black was one of the strangest he’d ever had with anyone.

‘Potter’, Black called again and, when James turned to him, he saw he had extended his hand. ‘Thank you’.

For a few seconds, James just stared at him, but Black seemed as serious as he could be. James supposed it wouldn’t change things between them, but he could accept that gesture. Then, thinking that he could never imagine that’d happen just one day ago, he shook Sirius Black's hand for the first time in his life.

* * *

 _‘He gave me a detention!’,_ Severus cried in displeasure as James sat next to him at the Slytherin table. They were at the far end of the table, closer to the door in a place they usually sat together without calling attention, but today people kept looking in their direction. James had a feeling those looks weren’t because he was sitting at another table, even if he was the only Gryffindor to ever sit in Slytherin’s.

He supposed the rumours had already started.

‘Who?’

‘Dumbledore! I will spend this entire Saturday organizing books in the library, and in the next until I finish all books!’

James blinked, surprised.

‘Why did you get detention?’

‘Because apparently, I broke the school’s most sacred policy of not getting closer to the Whomping Willow! As if I didn't know that it was just so that Black isn't the only one to be punished’. He looked at James, pointing a fork accusingly in his direction as if it were James’ fault. ‘It is obvious that Dumbledore is protecting Black, he favours him’.

‘I don't think Dumbledore plays favourites’, James said distractedly, starting to serve himself some food. Severus threw him a disgusted look.

‘When did you switch over to Black’s side?’

James rolled his eyes.

‘If I had, I wouldn't be here now’, he pointed out. Snape relaxed a little. ‘But you should have accepted Black's apology’.

‘Don’t tell me you feel for that act. He was only thinking of saving his own neck – well, his and the wer...’, James shook his head, looking at him seriously, and Snape snorted. ‘With the _pet_ there. It's not like he cares about us’.

‘Maybe he doesn’t’, James supposed. ‘But it was noble of him to come to apologize anyway’.

‘Noble?’, Severus raised his eyebrows, looking half-resigned and half-bitter. ‘Just a _Gryffindor_ to think that’.

James laughed at the tone in his voice.

‘You know, nobility and courage _are_ qualities’, he said playfully. ‘One could say you were brave going down that tunnel even though you knew what was there’, James added, enjoying himself with the way Snape seemed outrageous with his comment.

‘By the way, I can't believe you didn't tell me _before_ ’. He lowered his voice. ‘That you _knew_ about Lupin!’

James frowned.

‘You were already too obsessed with Lupin without my help, Severus. And now you know your theory was right –‘

‘Not that I can _say_ it’.

‘Then just drop it. It doesn’t matter’.

‘“ _Doesn’t matter_ ”?’, Snape repeated, choking on the words. ‘So you don't mind sleeping in the same room as –‘

‘No more than sharing the table with Slytherins’, James cut him off firmly, indicating the rest of the table. Snape blinked.

‘We _are_ not evil creatures’, he argued in a whisper, his tone even more fiercely than James’.

He did not answer. James could only think of Lily Evans talking about Mulciber and Avery and Malfoy, who were really strange – and had very wrong notions at times, and that there was a Dark Lord gaining followers outside the castle. And then Dumbledore's voice echoed in his mind, saying that it didn't matter what a person was, but their choices.

* * *

They left the Great Hall together to find a sunny day outside the castle. James blinked against the sunlight as they walked to the Care of Magical Creatures class. 

He nodded to Rubeus Hagrid as they passed his hut, and the groundkeeper told him he wanted to speak to James; the invitation, as always, was also extended to Snape, and James smiled, promising he would pass by later. He’d be alone – he knew Severus didn't share his liking of Hagrid.

They were almost late to the class and even though there was plenty of space, Snape dragged James to a spot as far away as possible from the center of the clearing where Professor Kettleburn was talking about unicorns. 

‘I _need_ nine OWLs’, James reminded Snape, but he just rolled his eyes.

‘It's _unicorns_ ’, he said disdainfully, pointing to the white horse that was trotting calmly. ‘There's no secret and we wouldn't even be able to get close anyway’.

He leaned against the fence around the clearing, as if he were tired.

‘Why didn't you take the day off?’, James asked, indicating his bandaged arm. Severus raised his eyebrows.

‘I wasn't going to let Black feel the satisfaction of knowing I lost an entire day because of _him_ ’.

His tone suggested that the answer was obvious. James decided it was better to not discuss it more. He didn't want to argue with Severus, mostly because he didn’t want to sound like he was defending Black; for him, they would just forget what had happened last night.

He wished, not for the first time, that Severus would just move on from hating Black.

‘There's something I want to ask you’, Severus said, his gaze fixed on the place where the girls were surrounding the unicorn. James knew who he was watching; Evans' red hair was visible even at distance, and he remembered the real reason Snape would never stop hating Black. ‘How did you find out where I had gone?’

For some reason, James hesitated before telling the truth.

‘Evans’, he admitted, and as he expected that name made Severus’ face light up. ‘She was running after you, to stop you from going down that tunnel. But she tripped and fell on the stairs, so –‘

‘She fell?’, Snape interrupted him, and James thought his concern seemed too excessive.

‘She's fine now’, he replied, glancing at her. Evans was laughing with the other Gryffindor girls, which was a little different. Not that Evans didn't have girlfriends, but she was usually with the Marauders. ‘She had to spend the night in the Hospital Wing, but that's just because Madam Pomfrey –‘

‘She spent the night there?’, he asked, in an entirely new voice, and James supposed he was regretting taking the potion to sleep, after all. Then Snape frowned. ‘And _you_ two were together?’ 

James rolled his eyes at the outrage in his voice. 

‘Yes, it was very romantic us in the Hospital Wing, the perfect setting’, he said sarcastically, making Severus blush. ‘Anyway, I met her right after she fell, and she told me what Black had done. That’s it’.

He blinked.

‘Why were you outside the Common Room at eleven o'clock?’

‘Kitchen’, James replied vaguely, but Snape already knew about his habit of going to the kitchen at night.

What Snape didn't know was about the Invisibility Cloak. James always felt uncomfortable when his only explanation for not getting caught was that he had light feet and an uncanny ability to avoid Filch, not only because Severus would then claim that this was his Slytherin side.

Severus just nodded, looking again at Lily Evans, with that familiar expression of adoration on his face.

‘She went after me’ _,_ he said with a sigh, as if that were a sign he’d been expecting of something.

‘Noble and brave of her, isn't it?’, James teased, but Severus just nodded, unable to say anything bad against her.

After a few seconds, none of which Evans even looked in their direction, Snape blinked and looked back at James; there was an uncertain expression on his face.

‘Don’t you think that – she wouldn't – I mean, do you think she was involved in Black's plan? ‘, he asked. When James looked confused, he added: ‘Do you think she just got cold feet at the last moment, just wanted to _save_ her own skin?’

James glanced back at Lily Evans; her laughing smile died at the moment Black said something to her. She folded her arms and firmly turned her back on him. James supposed she was trying to look mad with him – and then thought this was amusing considering how she had defended him earlier, in contrast to the cold way she was treating him now.

‘No, Evans isn't like that’, he said adamantly. Severus smiled, satisfied, the adoration back on his face as he looked at Lily Evans.

James looked at her too, and it crossed his mind how brave she really had been last night and how she’d faced even her best friend for something she believed was the right thing to.

For once, he didn’t think Severus was wrong for adoring her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: James deals with the effects of being noted and gets company for Hogsmeade, but things don't happen as he expects.


	4. Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays, y'all!

_" You’d have died like your father, too arrogant to believe you might be mistaken."_ \- Severus Snape, HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban

* * *

There was a tired, unhappy expression on Remus Lupin's face when he appeared in front of James, casting a shadow over his essay. It was still early, James had just come back from dinner and he was doing his Potions homework.

‘James’, Lupin called, seeming unable to fully meet his eyes. He wasn’t alone. Beside him, Peter Pettigrew looked at James, as if measuring him, while on the other side, Evans had a hand on Lupin's shoulder. ‘Can we talk in private?’

James nodded and stood up. Lupin indicated the stairs to the dormitories, and they went up. James felt curious – not because of Lupin’s request, which he already had an idea of its motives, but about Black's absence and the fact that Evans was going to the boy’s dormitory. From her carefree way, James figured she had been there before.

This idea disturbed him for some reason.

He sat on his bed, while Lupin sat on Pettigrew’s bed, the one closest to James’ bed. Evans stood beside him, her arm still wrapped around his shoulders, in support. Pettigrew continued to stare at James, which was a little unnerving – he had never paid attention to James before, except to laugh if Black was talking or pranking him.

‘I'm _so_ sorry’, Lupin began, his voice trembling. ‘For almost killing you yesterday’.

James sighed and shook my head.

‘It was not your fault, you had no control’, he said and when he caught Evans’ eyes – she was giving him a warning look – he realized it had sounded like he was blaming Black, which wasn’t what James had intended to. ‘Nothing really bad happened’.

‘I shouldn't be studying here’, he whispered guilty, seeming unable to hear James. ‘I'll understand if you want me to leave. I'm not –‘

‘Remus’, James called him seriously. ‘You are one of the best people I know. You are an amazing wizard, and you deserve to be here as much as anyone. I don't want you to be expelled’.

‘So it doesn't matter that I'm a werewolf?’, Remus asked defiantly, finally looking at James. ‘That I'm a monster?’

‘Once a month? I don’t care’. He sighed. ‘Look, I imagine you didn't choose to be a werewolf, and it must not be easy to live with it. But I'm not going to judge you just because you have – a – a furry little problem’.

Remus looked at him, too stunned for a moment, and then he started laughing. Evans laughed with him, looking relaxed and amused for the first time.

‘You make it look like I just had a misbehaved animal at home’.

James smiled.

‘That's kind of how it works, isn't it? Once a month your animal escapes from the cage. But what matters is that I see no problem with you being a werewolf’.

Remus looked grateful.

‘You are too good, James’, he said, looking as if he could not believe his own luck. ‘This is not how I wanted you to find out, but –‘

‘Ah, Lupin’, James interrupted him, wincing. ‘Not that it matters, but I've known for a while’. Remus blinked, surprised. ‘I'm not that stupid, and I didn't even need Severus' persistence to –‘.

But James got quiet, thinking he had already said too much. Lupin looked sorrowful again.

‘Snape must have loved finally finding out where I was going’, he presumed. ’He's been trying to follow me for months’.

James blinked, surprised, although he supposed he should have guessed. Severus always had been obsessed with knowing Lupin's secret to the point of being annoying. James hadn’t thought, however, that he would have reached the point of actually following Lupin. He really hated the Marauders.

_No_ , James corrected himself, _he hates their connection with Lily Evans_.

It was everything Snape wanted most in the world. To be part of her life.

‘If you could –‘, Lupin looked uncomfortable. ‘I tried to talk to him earlier, but Snape wouldn't listen to me. Could you tell him that I'm really sorry? I didn’t want him to get hurt’.

James nodded, although he knew Severus wouldn't hear him either.

‘How did you know Severus was following you?’, he asked distractedly. Evans's eyes suddenly shined.

‘We have our methods’, she explained, her voice prideful. ‘It's not complete yet, but –‘, she laughed, suddenly carefree. ‘It’s never wrong’.

‘Lily’, Lupin called her, and it seemed a very soft warning.

‘Sirius said we shouldn't mention it’, Pettigrew added timidly, his voice also seeming to warn her. Evans frowned but nodded in silence.

James wondered what they were talking about, about their perfect method of knowing what Snape was doing – and then it occurred to him that once Evans had mentioned that Black would know where she was.

As if they had a way to know someone’s location.

‘Speaking of Black’, James began, and Lupin’s face darkened. ‘Where is he?’

‘Detention’, Evans answered with a distinct note of coldness in her voice.

There was a strained silence after that. James thought about how divided Pettigrew looked as if he didn't know whether he should be supporting or criticizing Sirius Black. Evans's face was serious, and she was looking down; somehow, James felt that she too was split – perhaps she thought that Black deserved a lesson, but she didn't want to keep fighting with him either; Evans looked lonely without Black at his side.

But there was no doubt about Lupin’s expression: he was angry with Black. James imagined how he would feel if he were Lupin – he would feel betrayed because Black had exposed his secret and almost made him kill someone.

On the other hand – and that thought scared James – he could also imagine perfectly how he would be feeling if he were Sirius Black.

Lost without his friends.

James raised, and the three looked at him, startled as if his movement had woken them.

‘I have to finish the Potions essay’, he said, even though he didn't think he needed to explain. Evans looked thoughtful.

‘Problems with Potions?’

‘The usual ones’, he mumbled with a grimace, and she even chuckled. Something flew in his stomach at the sound and James shook his head, trying to distract himself. 

He was at the door when it occurred to him that he had to say something to Lupin, even if it was none of his business. 

‘Ah, Remus? You shouldn't – I mean, I understand why you are mad with Black’, he paused, noticing that Evans was looking tense at him. ‘And I would probably want to avoid him now, too, if I were you, but – But he didn't regret what happened because of me or Snape. But because of you. He regretted what he had done when he realized what it means to you or -‘, he glanced at Evans, ‘- or how much danger he had put you in. So... maybe you should forgive him’.

And, not quite believing what he had just done, James left the room.

* * *

The weather changed over the next few days; the sunny days were gone, replaced with constant rain and cold, but James could only think that the reverse was happening in his life.

The first difference was that because Black seemed to treat him better as if James were not a worm he had always seemed to consider him. He didn't know if it was because of guilt, or if it was his way of showing gratitude, but Black didn't bother him in classes or criticize him anymore. If he had to talk to James, his voice lacked sarcasm or contempt – he just treated James normally, like he treated anyone else in Gryffindor.

And as for Severus, Black just ignored him, which James thought was an improvement to any other type of behaviour.

The second difference was that his circle of friends seemed to be growing – now Lupin made a point of talking to him at least once a day, stepping away from that distant communication that they had until then. James supposed seeing him as a werewolf wasn't the best way to start really being friends with someone, but he didn't care. Lupin was cool, they could talk about any topic and it was nice to have another friend to study together. And Lupin was also polite with Snape, even if Severus refused to be near him.

And there was also a surprising number of people willing to talk to James now that Black had excluded him from what James internally called the Blacklist; people didn’t seem to avoid him. At least, James thought that was the reason until one Thursday afternoon when he was in the library, and Mary Macdonald appeared right next to him. 

He hadn't realized that the rumours about what had happened at the Whomping Willow were so exaggerated until she asked him if he had really fought a manticore down there.

‘Well, no!’, he said agitatedly, in a voice higher than he had intended to, because the librarian looked at them. ‘Where did you hear that?’

She laughed, looking amused, and fidgeted with her hair. That gesture attracted his attention for a few moments.

‘Mandy was saying’, she replied surreptitiously, putting her books on the table, and sitting so close to him that he could feel her sweet scent. ‘I told her it wouldn’t fit a manticore down there’. Mary rolled her eyes. ‘So what was it?’

James gave her the same answer that he had already given to ten people.

‘Big secret. Could tell, but then I’d have to kill you’.

She sighed, pulling her chair closer to him. There was an irresistible smile on her lips.

‘Ah, James! I swear I won't tell anyone’.

Her voice was sweet, and James suddenly wished he had something nice to say.

‘Okay’. He moved closer to her, also smiling, and she looked suddenly shy. ‘Under the Whomping Willow… I had to fight a giant killer root’.

She laughed, which also earned her an indignant look from the librarian, but Mary didn't seem to care.

‘You are funny, Potter’, she said, putting a lock of her blond hair behind her ear and looking at him sideways.

‘Root or not root, it must have been quite heroic. People have been talking about you’. 

She watched James blushing. ‘People want to know why they never noticed James Potter before’.

‘Ah’, he shrugged. ‘I was hiding’.

‘You shouldn't’, she assured him, her smile warmer now. 

For an instant, they just looked at each other, in silence. James thought he was really enjoying that particular attention. He wondered if he should have saved someone before.

And he wondered what he should talk about now because nothing seemed smart enough.

‘Worried about the next test?’, he asked, looking at the textbooks she had separated. He easily regretted the next moment, but Mary just smiled, seeming to find funny something that James didn't see what it was.

‘Deadly scared’, she agreed, indicating the book in front of her. Transfiguration. James suddenly felt more confident.

‘If you need help, I am here’, he offered, because that seemed like the right thing to say. She nodded, satisfied.

‘I'd love to’, she said, showing a spell in the book. ‘I tried this, but I can't get the movement right’.

It was the spell to make change book covers, one that James thought it so good for hiding books that you shouldn't read during class, that he didn't understand how Minnie McGonagall had taught them.

If he didn’t read his OWL, he would have already used it for History of Magic ages ago.

‘It's not too complicated’, he promised, making the movement indicated in the book. ‘ _Transmutus_ ’.

The cover of his book went white. Mary's smile widened.

‘Like that?’, she asked, waving her wand. The book slid off the table and James picked it up. She gave him an apologetic look. ‘I'm horrible at Transfiguration’.

‘No problem’, he said soothingly. ‘You just need to make a smaller movement’.

She raised her eyebrows anxiously.

‘Can you show me?’, she asked, almost innocently, her hand raised. James blushed, but raised, standing behind her.

He took her hand, and for one mad moment, it crossed his mind that there was something wrong with that gesture, as if the size of her hand didn't fit his or her temperature was wrong. Then he shook his head - _what was the matter with him?_ \- and grinned at her, helping her to make the correct movement.

‘See? It’s simple’.

‘Yes’, she agreed, looking at him. ‘Simple’. She lifted the book cover. ‘Better now?’

He looked at the new cover. She had chosen an image of the Three Broomsticks, where there were an empty table and two butterbeers that seemed to be waiting to be drunken. Then he felt like a complete idiot for not noticing before where Mary was going with all that Transfiguration talk.

Maybe he should transfigure himself a new brain.

He could feel his face heating up even more, and he knew she was looking at him, waiting. And he also knew what he should do – he was just looking for the courage to do that, because he had never really asked anyone out before, things had just sort of worked out and –

He suddenly caught Lily Evans’ eyes; he hadn't noticed she was in the library too, just a few tables away. Black was at her side, and James supposed that they had reconciled because he was beaming excitedly; but the expression on Evans’ face was different, empty. He couldn’t see any emotion on her face as she just looked at him, and James found himself trying to guess whether she had overheard his conversation with Mary Macdonald. With a start, he realized he was still holding Mary's hand. He let it go, and Mary looked startled.

The indignation dominated him – he shouldn't have withdrawn his hand, and he knew that even if he wasn't an expert on dates. He should have already invited Mary when it was obvious that she wanted him to; he shouldn’t be distracted by Evans.

‘So’, he started, decided to do the right thing this time, but someone called his name and turned around.

Severus was standing on the other side of the table, his gaze switching back between James and Mary. He was frowning.

‘Oh, I didn't know you were busy’, he said rather disdainfully. James ignored that.

‘You know Mary MacDonald, don't you?’, James insisted. ‘And this is Severus –‘

‘I know’, Mary interrupted, but she wasn’t looking at Snape; James thought that was strange until he realized that Severus wasn't looking at her either.

Oh, sure. That old rivalry between Houses.

‘I'm just going to sit over there with Mulciber’, Severus told him. James hesitated, then nodded.

‘We'll talk tomorrow’, he murmured, watching Snape go. Beside him, Mary sighed, looking relieved.

‘I know he is your friend, but he gives me the chills’, she said in a low voice, without any malice. ‘Well, not him so much, but Mulciber, sometimes he has this look –‘

Her voice died. After a few seconds, she shook her head and looked at James, smiling again, more relaxed. He found himself smiling back.

‘So’, he tried again, sitting next to her. ‘There is a trip to Hogsmeade next Saturday’.

‘Yeah’.

‘And I was wondering if –‘, he hesitated, feeling slightly silly for not being able to ask her. She laughed softly.

‘James? I would love to’.

He smiled, and he didn't know if it was out of relief or because something seemed to be finally working for him.

‘See you at nine in the Entrance Hall?’, he asked, and she nodded happily.

That was a feeling he was sharing with her.

* * *

‘ _You have a date_ ’.

James didn't know if he should feel outraged by the incredulous tone in Severus' voice or if he should just disregard it haughtily, considering that Severus never had a date before, while he... hadn't had really a _date_ yet, but he was fifteen minutes away from having one. What was more than Snape ever had, as far as James knew.

Yeah, he was feeling more than haughty that morning.

‘It's not a big deal’, he said calmly, drinking his pumpkin juice, even though inside he was feeling excited. Severus rolled his eyes.

‘And with Mary Macdonald? Seriously?’

James was offended.

‘What's the problem? She is nice’. 

And by nice he meant she was fun and attractive. And he liked the way she looked at him.

‘She is mu...’, Severus stopped himself suddenly, looking away.

‘What?’, James insisted.

‘She is a Gryffindor’, he answered, but James had a feeling he had avoided saying something worse about Mary. Considering Mary was really sweet, he didn’t know what grudge Snape could hold against her.

‘So am I, silly’, he remembered. Severus didn't answer, his eyes distant. ‘What are you going to do today, then?’

‘I still have to organize the books in the library because of that stupid detention Dumbledore gave me’, he recalled contemptuously. ‘He said I can take as long as I want, as long as I finish those nine hundred books’.

‘It's better than Black's detention’, James pointed out, making Severus raise his eyebrows. ‘There are days when he doesn't return until curfew to the Common Room. And he is also not going to Hogsmeade today’.

He thought Snape seemed a little too happy to learn of Black's torment. Considering that Black had gotten a little better and had stopped hexing Severus, it wouldn’t hurt him to also ignore Black.

Then Severus' expression changed as he glanced at the rest of the Gryffindor table. James had asked him to sit down, but he’d refused to do so, opting to stand. James considered it very childish, seeing that he saw no problem sitting at Slytherin’s table.

‘Who do you think Evans will go with?’, Severus asked, dismayed. James blinked, surprised by the direction of his thoughts.

‘With Lupin and Pettigrew probably. Who could she go with?’

That earned him another of Severus’ look of contempt.

‘Potter -’, he began, and he only used James’ surname when he wanted to make fun of him, or when he was angry, which was very rare. ‘- Just because _you_ haven't fallen for Lily Evans yet doesn't mean everyone is unaffected. It's obvious someone invited her. If even you have a date –‘

‘Shut up’, mumbled James, not quite sure what was the source of his annoyance.

‘I bet it was Johnson’, Severus continued bitterly. ‘You know, the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain. She always seemed to like Quidditch player’. His voice dropped. ‘Perhaps, if I could –‘

He shook his head, shutting up, his face suddenly flushed. ‘I better go to the library. See you later’.

When James nodded, belated, his friend was gone, leaving behind only that sickening image of Lily Evans with Tony Johnson, the Ravenclaw keeper.

* * *

The weather was horrible at Hogsmeade.

It was too windy, so some vague plans that James had, which involved looking for an isolated nice place in the village, were soon abandoned. Earlier than he’d expected, he and Mary took refuge in the Three Broomsticks, as crowded as the other stores they had visited before, no one wanting to be caught outside. 

James felt uncomfortable there; they were sitting at a big table full of other Gryffindors, and even though her hand had slipped into his – which he was enjoying – this was not how he wanted the date to be. He’d expected something calmer, just the two of them, instead of keeping a conversation with Mandy Brown and Mark Taylor, both Sixth Year, even though they were nice.

Things didn't get any better when Evans came and joined them; James thought both he and Severus had been right, because she arrived with Lupin and Pettigrew, but sat next to Thomas Robins, one of the Gryffindor chasers, smiling at him. He adjusted the captain's badge in his chest, to better reflect the light – and James, who had never really stopped to think of him before, thought he seemed a bit of an idiot. 

To make matters worse, Evans, unlike him, did not seem to mind any show of affection in front of anyone. She was laughing and joking with Robins brightly and considering the look he had on his face – as if he didn’t believe his luck – James expected them to start snogging at any time.

Even more annoyed for things not going as he’d expected, he turned to Mary, thinking that there would be nothing wrong if he just kissed her, even with everyone around.

But then someone mentioned the latest newspaper headline and the entire table became tense.

‘Do you think it's true?’, Mark Taylor asked, looking at the Daily Prophet. ‘These muggle deaths were really committed by –‘, he paused, unsure. ‘- You-know-who?’

‘They didn't drop dead on the floor’, Robins said soberly. He didn't look so stupid anymore. ‘Someone is behind this’.

‘But –‘, said Mary, looking scared. ‘- to think someone would really kill, in cold blood, an entire family –‘

James ran his hand over her waist; somehow, the gesture seemed more comforting and friendly than romantic, and she looked at him gratefully.

‘It's not the first time’, Evans replied sharply. ‘It started in 1966 with the disappearances and the anti-Muggle campaign. And it got stronger after 1971. That's when the first deaths started’. She took a deep breath. ‘And this family in Denver... Rumours saying that the children were wizards, Muggle-born’. Evans paled. ‘He – You-Know-Who – he is going after Muggle-borns’.

Mary winced, and she was not the only one to do that; James had forgotten that her parents were Muggles. But then again, wizarding genealogy had never been a concern for him before.

‘You are overreacting, Evans’, suggested Tiberius McLaggen, a Seventh Year. ‘The way you speak, it looks like that –‘

‘It doesn’t only look like, he 's starting a war’, Evans whispered, her low voice perfectly audible despite the noise in the bar.

‘Very soon, it will spread’, Lupin interjected, and the seriousness was reflected in his tired face when he and Evans exchanged a look. ‘For now, no one is saying anything, but this will not last. You-Know-Who already has followers –‘

‘The Death Eaters’, James said without thinking. Everyone looked at him, but he didn’t meet anyone’s eyes, feeling a lump on his throat. ‘That's what they're calling themselves’.

‘And it's only a matter of time before the Ministry of Magic declares You-Know-Who as a wanted person’, Lupin added, drawing attention to him of everyone except Lily Evans, whose attentive look gave James the impression that she could read his thoughts. ‘And when that happens –‘

‘The war begins’, Pettigrew added, sounding scared. That draw Evans’s attention to him. She turned and reached out to touch his arm reassuringly. Pettigrew smiled briefly.

‘You say it like we're going to be a part of it’, McLaggen replied. James looked at him.

‘This is your last year’, he remembered, frowning. ‘Next year you're out there. You mean that if there is a war you won't do anything? You’ll just wait and see what happens?’

He blinked and did not answer.

‘We’ll need to take sides eventually’, Evans whispered. ‘And maybe fight people we know’.

There was an uncomfortable silence in the air, and James shook his head, suddenly inflamed.

‘You're wrong’, he said, his brow furrowed. ‘Not about the war, but about fighting as if we were enemies’. He looked around the Three Broomsticks, for all the merry people around them. ‘That – that man – _Voldemort’_ , he whispered, and everyone shuddered. ‘He's not human. He can’t feel anything, because nobody goes around killing people for fun, just because they are different. So I don't really think anyone here is going to join that crazy pshyco’.

‘You are so naive, Potter’, Evans replied, humourless. ‘Didn't you notice that people are already joining the psycho? People who agree with his ideas. People who are attracted to his power. People who seem to be normal with family and friends and –‘.

‘Like you?’, James asked, feeling as if there were only the two of them in the world at that moment. 

He wouldn't admit that she could be right; that would mean that people he knew could be corrupted. That would mean that he had judged someone wrong. 

And he couldn’t be wrong about that.

Evans laughed dryly.

‘Not me. He's killing people like me, Potter’.

‘Exactly my point’. He looked around the table again. ‘Are you telling me you think someone on this table will try to kill you in the future?’

She blinked and didn't look away from him.

‘I wasn't talking about anyone in Gryffindor’, Evans whispered and James thought there was an apology in her eyes.

Only he had the impression that she was apologizing for being right. He wanted to cry that she was impossibly wrong, but James could only think of the one time that he had actually heard the name "Death Eater".

And it had been in the Slytherin Common Room, a few years ago, where a group of people, including Severus Snape, were discussing the new Dark Lord.

* * *

The conversation about a future war did not die; they returned to the castle shortly after lunch, a group of twenty young people talking about wars and consequences – a theme that seemed to match the dark sky and the strong wind.

Mary stayed close to James, their hand always together – which made James a little self-conscious, but it really looked as if she needed that comfort. No one commented on it, just as they just seemed to accept him among them as if it were normal for James Potter to hang around with Gryffindors.

Black joined them later in the Common Room; his already tired face from detention worsened when he realized what the discussion was about.

‘It will get worse’, he said, pointing to The Daily Prophet. ‘You-Know-Who already has the support of the old traditional wizarding families’. At this point, there was an undisguised disgust in his voice. ‘And of many half-blooded wizards, and maybe from other creatures as well’.

Lupin nodded, his face pale.

‘Giants. Werewolves. Centaurs. Goblins. Everyone who is ignored by wizards in general’.

‘I thought You-Know-Who wanted to purify wizarding families’, Marlene McKinnon said, confused. James looked at his cousin. ‘Why would he want the support of –‘, she blushed, ‘-half-breeds?’

‘If a war really starts’, Black replied, exchanging a look with her, ‘they won't mind as long as they win’.

‘Do you think the Dementors would join him?’, Mandy Brown asked shakily. Evans trembled, her face suddenly pale.

‘They keep the wizarding prison’, she recalled as If she’d decorated it, and Black went to her side. As if that were a sign, Robins removed his hand from her waist and walked away. ‘They wouldn’t join _him_ –‘

‘Lily’, Black called her softly. ‘You know they would’.

She bit her lip, looking really scared for the first time. James had a brief, urgent desire to copy Black and hug her, letting her lay her head on his shoulder.

‘There are still the aurors’, McLaggan recalled confidently. ‘They'll get him. This will end before it can even begin’.

People smiled without any real conviction, and James understood why – everyone there wanted to believe that there would be no war, that Lord Voldemort would be caught. It was easier than facing reality, which said that a family had been killed - it was not the first, and it would not be the last.

James had never really participated in one of the parties that happened after the visit to Hogsmeade or Gryffindor victories; he usually spent those evenings talking to Severus or Hagrid, or just reading quietly in the dormitory, because he knew his presence was not welcomed.

Now, however, with Black no longer hating him, he found that he could enjoy a few hours of fun in his own House. The mood in the Common Room was much better than it had been all day. After bottles of butterbeer, no one was talking about war anymore – now, lively music and conversation dominated the scene.

Even with the rumours of his fight against a manticore, no one seemed to pay him too much attention, and he was not the centre of attention as it seemed to happen with Black and Evans, both of whom he saw were very requested as people moved to talk to them. He thought Evans had dumped Robins because he was no longer at her side.

James thought that sounded amusing until he realized that, in the absence of her date, two other guys were sitting next to her, each trying to monopolize her attention.

‘So what are you thinking about?’, asked Mary by his side. She hadn't left James’ side during the entire party, and even when she talked to Mandy Brown, she always stole glances in his direction.

It was so different from what was happening with Evans that James decided he preferred having less attention.

‘This party is good’, he replied with a smile. ‘Because of the company’.

She blushed, looking satisfied and shy at the same time, and turned to her friend Mandy, who was laughing at her.

James felt confident again as he moved to fill his cup.

‘Let me guess, Potter’, he turned to see Tom Robins at the table next to him, also helping himself with a drink. ‘You two in Hogsmeade, now at the party – first date?’

James flushed against his will.

‘Yeah’. He suddenly felt doubtful. ‘Does it look bad?’

‘No, no’, Robins calmed him. ‘You’re better than me, of course. You still have your date’.

That was really the last topic James would like to discuss with him, but he found myself asking the question before he could control himself.

‘What happened?’

He blinked.

‘Sometimes things don't work out’, he explained, unabashed. ‘I was lucky enough to get Lily to accept my invitation to a date – and it was really a last-minute invitation. Actually, funny story, I think she invited me’.

James raised his eyebrows, surprised. As far as he knew, there was a line of people wanting to go out with Lily Evans; she wouldn’t need to invite anyone.

And still the thing that surprised him the most was the look of reminiscence on Robins’ face as he seemed to recall the story; he was looking at Evans rather dreamily as if he hadn’t been dumped after a few hours of a date. She was gorgeous, he knew, but that couldn’t be enough to justify that level of worship –

‘Well, things might work out if Sirius hadn’t been here, but alas, nothing I could do’, he added, still good-naturedly.

James rolled his eyes.

‘Yeah, I know. They will probably announce their wedding any day soon’.

Robins turned to him, surprised.

‘Sirius and Lily? Really?’

‘They're inseparable’, James noted with a grimace. ‘And he was the one that spoilt your date, wasn’t it?’

‘Yeah, but just because they never seem to notice anyone else when they get closer’.

‘There then. You know, two halves of the same soul’.

‘I always thought they were the same half’, Robins commented, suddenly amused. ‘They're too friendly for anything else. Just watch them. He is always trying to protect her. She always knows what he is feeling’.

‘Like a couple’, James insisted, annoyed.

‘Like brother and sister’, corrected Robins. ‘Let's say this way, Potter. If Sirius Black and Lily Evans wanted to be together, they would already be’.

* * *

The Common Room was almost empty by midnight. James thought, guiltily, how much he would be behind his study schedule and how much he’d need to compensate for it later; but it was hard to let himself be overwhelmed by it. It was simpler and much more pleasant to be sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace with Mary Macdonald while they talked about silly things.

‘So’, she began, putting a lock behind her ear, with a small smile. ‘I think I'm going to sleep now’.

Something heated up in his stomach. He knew this was his last chance of having a proper date; he tried to force himself to breathe normally. This wasn’t so different from the brief date – if he could call that – he’d had with a girl from his neighbourhood during summer vacation.

‘Sorry if the day was not much fun’, she continued, without moving. ‘Maybe we could try again?’

‘It was fun’, James said. Mary rolled her eyes.

‘With the talk about war? And a group date over the Three Broomsticks? And the horrible weather?’. She shook her head. ‘Could’ve been better’.

He felt absurdly nervous.

‘Maybe the ending can be better?’, he suggested, in a voice that he thought it sounded too ridiculous. But her blue eyes sparkled for the first time that night.

‘Better?’

‘Yes’.

And then he kissed her; at least, it was supposed to be a kiss, but their lips barely touched before a loud noise made them break apart.

‘Sorry’, he heard Lily Evans say, and, when he turned around, she was pulling out her wand to repair a cup of glass lying on the floor. Her face was flushed. ‘I just drop it – well – sorry’, she added to no one in particular and vanished up the stairs.

James turned to Mary; she didn't seem bothered by Evans or anyone else, and he suddenly envied her easiness. All he felt suddenly was that the common room was too crowded.

Then he raised, extending his hand to her. She was looking disappointed.

‘Well - good night’, he wished, and before he could think about it, he kissed her on the forehead, which was easy since he was much taller than her. Mary sighed.

‘Good night, James’.

He watched her go, wishing things had been different. On the stairs, she turned to him; she was looking at him as if Mary could see many things James wouldn’t even know where to look for. But he was smart enough to realize that, after all, the night had not improved.

* * *

**In the next chapter** : Evans makes an offer James cannot refuse; between some revealed secrets and a moment of glory, James finds out what happens when Evans decides to reward someone.


	5. Moment of glory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since last chapter was so short, I gave a boost to finish this one :)
> 
> Some belated notes: I expect to update this story weekly (with few delays, considering English is not my first language and chapters will be longer as the story goes). 
> 
> All major points of the story are drafted, but feel free to add any suggestion! What I can say: most of the things that happen in canon will happen here, with all the twists that come with changing James' friendship to Snape instead of Sirius.
> 
> Also important to remember: there are a few changes in canon (timelines, relationships), but nothing that will affect much.
> 
> And finally, most of this story will be from James' point of view, but every main character will have their moment to explain their actions and choices. James' relationship with Lily, Sirius and Snape, will shine brighter, though.

_"Your father would have been proud. He was an excellent Quidditch player himself."_ \- Minerva McGonagall, HP and the Philosopher's Stone.

* * *

‘So’, Severus' voice was deliberately uninterested. He just seemed busy with preparing his potion with his left hand, since the right one was still bandaged. ‘How was your date?’

James glanced across the room. All he could see of Mary was her long blond hair. He wondered if she was unhappy.

He certainly wasn't jumping for joy.

‘Okay’, said James shortly.

Severus turned to him with a smirk on his face. James thought he seemed to be enjoying the situation too much.

‘Wow! That good?’

‘Yeah. What is _your_ definition of a good date?’, James rebuked sorely, throwing more moonstones into the cauldron than was necessary. The potion boiled dangerously and, as a precaution, he put out the fire. It was too early in the year for another melting cauldron.

‘Ok, ok’, said Severus, raising his good arm in surrender, even though the smirk hadn’t left his lips. ‘I won’t ask anymore’.

James just nodded in silence, his mood still bitter. The potion he’d been making carefully in the last hour was probably lost, which was worth another bad grade, and his weekend had not been as good as he’d expected.

He was thoroughly miserable.

‘How was your weekend?’, he asked distractedly, searching for something in the textbook that would help him save his potion.

‘No better than yours’, Severus replied wryly. ‘I finished my detention late, then I just stayed in my Common Room’. Severus paused, and his potion, until then perfectly cooked, smoked alarmingly. He didn't seem to notice; his black eyes were suddenly brighter. ‘Did you see The Daily Prophet from Saturday?’

There was a tone in his voice that James couldn’t remember hearing before. It was like Snape was both expecting and afraid of his answer.

‘About the dead family in Denver?’, he said, and Snape nodded, James sighed. ‘It is horrible’.

‘Yeah, I suppose'.

James blinked, stunned.

‘Do you _suppose_?’

‘It was just a figure of speech’, he replied, rolling his eyes, but James could see his thoughts were miles away. ‘But – what I was thinking – it looks more real, doesn't it? As if Grindewald has returned… Only this new Lord seems smarter, more powerful'.

His eyes met James and Snape hesitated, blinking as if he remembered something. 

‘He is cruel, of course, but – his _power_ … They say even Dumbledore is afraid of him’.

‘Oh, come on!’

The fierce tone of James’ voice made some people look at him. He lowered his voice. ‘Everyone knows Dumbledore is the greatest wizard since Merlin. He defeated Grindewald back then, and in case you haven't noticed, this “new Lord" hasn't even come near Hogwarts yet’.

To his surprise, Severus laughed softly, but there was no real humour in his voice.

‘Just because the Dark Lord didn't come through the gates doesn't mean he hasn't arrived at Hogwarts’, he whispered, and there was an expression on his face that chilled James.

It looked a lot like when Severus would glance at Lily Evans. That quiet platonic worship.

‘What are you –‘, he started, but the bell rang and drowned out whatever he was going to say.

James packed his things, overhearing Slughorn commenting on how the class had gone too fast and Evans answering something about how good things made the time go by faster. That made him roll his eyes, but it was more because Evans sounded really honest than anything.

‘I think you burned something, James’.

He dropped the metal scale on the floor. The noise echoed through the room, and it seemed that everyone was looking at him – or it was his paranoic head. With a slightly red face, he bent down to grab the scale, and when he raised straight, Mary was smiling in front of him.

‘Potions is not really my thing’, he replied, embarrassed.

‘I can see that’, she said playfully, and then she gave Severus the briefest of the looks. He stepped back instantly.

‘See you later, James’, he said, pursing his lips as if not to laugh. James watched him go for a second; at the door, he was joined by Avery and Mulciber. Only Mulciber looked back at the dungeons and his eyes met James' for a second before he looked away; there was a grimace on Mulciber's face that James'd never seen before, not directed at him.

‘So –‘, James started, looking back at Mary as they left the dungeon. He didn't really know what to say, but she laughed easily.

‘Let’s not make this awkward’, she suggested, glancing at him. ‘So we didn't work out, it happens’.

James took a deep breath, wishing, not for the first time, to understand how and where everything had gone wrong in their date.

‘I really wish we had’, he said guiltily. ‘Maybe we could, I don’t know, try again?’

‘I'm not going to make the same mistake again’, Mary murmured, her gaze straight ahead, where Evans and Black were talking animatedly. ‘Look, I'm not going to pretend that I don't have this little crush on you - ’, James felt his face heating, ‘ - but maybe we should take things… slow’.

‘Slow?’

‘Yeah’. She looked at James with an inviting smile on her face. ‘You know, we can talk late in the night, study together, have snow wars in December. Things like that’.

‘Friendly stuff?’

‘Well, we are friends, I think. Only –‘, she blushed slightly. ‘- maybe we could, you know, be friends who snog each other sometimes’.

‘Ah’. The idea was rather pleasant. He grinned. ‘And that's going slow?’

‘I said "maybe". Not because you think you should, but if – well, if you want to. I wouldn’t mind’.

‘I want it’, James said quickly, and she threw him a disbelieving look. He sighed; he really didn't want to have to say it out loud, but there was no other way. ‘You're cool and pretty and I like your company. Is that not enough?’

She shook her head, her brow furrowed.

‘I meant like really wanting to. Not that you need to be in love with me or anything, but like Mandy told me, you should at least not be interested in anyone else’.

‘Anyone else?’, he repeated, confused. ‘I am not –‘

She just blinked.

‘Yes, James’. She smiled calmly, standing on tiptoe and kissing him on the cheek. ‘I can wait’.

* * *

The cold air at the end of October prevented James from studying on Hogwarts grounds, as he preferred. Even the library seemed colder than he would have liked; he found himself taking more and more refuge in the Gryffindor Common Room, enjoying the fact that no one was bothering him there now.

He wasn’t the only one. Every Fifth and Seventh Year was also obsessing over the exams, making the Common Room crowder than ever.

The only downside of this was that his time with Severus was reduced to the only two classes they shared. James had started sitting with Mary at lunch, and he knew Severus would never sit at the Gryffindor table. He didn’t even consider suggesting that she would sit at his table. None of the Slytherins, including Snape, seemed to even notice Mary; the only exception, James noted, was Mulciber, who he’d caught staring at her sometimes; when James asked Severus about it, he just shrugged and, with a patronizing smile, asked if James was jealous.

James rolled his eyes and told him to mind his own business, but there was a nagging feeling that something was not right. Severus could also be seen staring at Lily Evans, so Mulciber wouldn’t be the first Slytherin to have a crush on a Gryffindor, but there was a strange gleam in his eyes. He did not look lovesick at Mary; he just glared at her as if she'd done something to disturb him. James tried to block her from Mulciber's eyes whenever he could, avoiding the boy more than usual, and Mary seemed grateful when he did that.

James enjoyed Mary's company. She was fun and had loads of stories that she shared with elation – he had never met someone so vivid before. He also had no idea how he would know if he liked her the way she wanted to, but for now, that wasn’t worrying him. 

She was his friend, and if that was enough for both of them, he wouldn’t complain.

Which was the reason that, on that Thursday afternoon, instead of studying his Astronomy worksheets, he was listening to her account of her Muggle family.

‘Then I set the Christmas dinner on fire’, she was explaining. ‘That's when my parents realized that I was a little different. None of my brothers and sisters burned the food after they found out Santa Claus was not real’.

James laughed.

‘How many siblings do you have?’

‘Four. One older brother, three younger sisters’. When he opened his mouth, she added: ‘I’m the only witch in the family, at least so far. None of the others displayed any magic’.

‘Oh, I wasn’t going to ask that’, James said. ‘I just thought it must be nice, having so many siblings. I wish I had one’.

‘Well, I can borrow you one anytime. So what’s your story? Your first magic?’

‘It’s not a story as fun as yours, my parents always expected me to be a wizard, I think, I was flying on broomsticks before I was walking… But anyway, I was six and I was upset that it was raining and I couldn’t fly – then I really started to fly, everything inside the house sort of started to float, the table and the chairs –‘

‘Breaking the laws of gravity, Potter?’, someone else replied, and when he turned around, he saw Lily Evans standing in front of them. ‘Can I talk to you for a minute?’

She was looking at James, but before he could answer, Mary raised.

‘Sure, Lily’, she said, her face without any trace of her previous amusement.

‘You don't have to go’, James told her, frowning, but Mary just shook her head.

‘We’ll talk later’, she replied softly and moved to sit down with Mandy Brown, who looked upset at James as if he had misbehaved in someway.

He turned to Evans, feeling confused. ‘Does she have a problem with you?’

Evans blinked.

‘Not that I know of’, she said, taking the empty seat Mary had just vacated. There was an easy smile on her face that James found himself copying without even thinking about it. It was a warm smile. ‘My first magic was reviving flowers fallen on the ground. I don't think I've ever found any magic at Hogwarts that is more beautiful’. 

She seemed lost in thought, and even as James wondered if that was all she wanted to say, he couldn't help but think how fitting it was for Lily Evans to talk about beauty. 

‘Not as imposing as making everything fly, of course’, she added. ‘And it seems you never stopped enjoying being in the air’.

‘I like to fly. It feels as if all problems stay in the ground when I am on a broomstick’.

‘Still flying solo on Sunday’s night?’, she asked, with a rather knowing look on her face.

‘My favourite time of the week’.

‘Maybe I'll see you sometime. Check if you fly so well for someone who’s being training since before walking’. She smirked when James rolled his eyes, self-conscious. Then she blinked, and her face became soberer. ‘Do you still need those nine OWLs?’

He sighed.

‘And Outstanding in Transfiguration, Potions and Charms’.

Evans nodded thoughtfully.

‘You have no problem with Transfiguration, of course, and you are pretty decent in Charms. But you are just awful in Potions’. She smiled innocently. ‘No offense, Potter’.

‘None taken’, he said, undisturbed; Evans was just telling the truth.

Evans bit her lip, an apprehensive expression on her face, and James watched as she unnecessarily tucked her hair behind her ear.

‘I can help you’, she said, looking at him. He blinked, sure he had heard it wrong.

‘Help me? With extra lessons?’

‘We can call tutoring, if you prefer, but that’s the idea, yes’

He could only stare at Lily Evans, not knowing what to say. When he didn’t answer, she sighed, raising her eyebrows.

‘I don’t want to trouble you’, he said finally. Evans shrugged.

‘I'm the one offering it, Potter. It would be no trouble, and I could even review some points for the exam’.

Suspicion arose in him. Evans didn't need to study for Potions any more than James would need for Transfiguration.

‘What is in it for you?’

Her eyes flashed, suddenly fierce.

‘Nothing. Can’t I just want to help someone? Maybe care if you "want to do something with your life"?’

‘Okay, okay’, he admitted in defeat. Besides him, Evans took a deep breath, also calming herself. ‘Sorry. I just don't think –‘

‘You are the one who needs an Outstanding in your worst subject, Potter’, she reminded him. ‘And I get it. I need the Ministry approval as well, you know’.

‘Seven OWLs, right?’

‘All above Exceed Expectations’, she confirmed. ‘Still less than your nine OWLs, of course. That means nine letters of recommendation… I just have no idea what course you want to start’.

‘Something huge’, he murmured, averting his eyes. ‘So how will you help me?’

She smiled victoriously at his agreement.

‘I thought of Saturday classes. Slughorn has a room on the fifth floor that he never uses because he doesn't like going up the stairs very much. But it is all equipped with some ingredients and he said he could lend me the room’.

‘Did you tell _Slughorn_?’

‘Well, no, because I didn't know if you were going to accept it’. She gave him a reproving look. ‘You can be very inflexible sometimes, Potter. I just told him that I needed the room to study. He didn't mind’.

‘Of course not. Old Slug is in love with you’.

‘Very mature, Potter’, replied Evans, with a grimace. ‘Horace is a good person’.

‘For a Slytherin, you mean?’, he teased, but she didn't crack a smile. ‘Just remembering that they don’t have to be mean, Evans’.

She disregarded that too.

‘Anyway, about our tutoring, I thought of Saturday morning, what do you think? Sirius said you were one of those early birds’.

James frowned before he could control himself.

‘You told _Black_?’, he asked, glancing at the corner where the other Marauders were sitting together, laughing at some inside joke.

That sight made his stomach churn, sick; he could imagine Black chuckling about the idea of James needing extra classes –

‘I wasn’t going to lie to him about it’, Evans replied, as if it were obvious. ‘So I thought it was better to just tell. Although – truth be told – he thought you were going to refuse. He said you were too stubborn to accept my help’.

‘Maybe he underestimated how badly I need an Outstanding’, he mumbled, which made Evans smile lightly. ‘So you tell him everything?’

‘Well, he's my best friend’, she said in a low voice, as if she didn't want anyone else to hear. ‘Which means I tell him everything he needs to know’. When her eyes met his, she blushed slightly. ‘Do _you_ tell Snape everything?’

James was about to answer that yes, of course he told his best friend everything, when he thought of his Invisibility Cloak or how he had never confirmed to Severus how much he knew of Lupin. He opened and closed his mouth without saying anything, but Evans seemed to understand exactly what was going on in his head.

‘I know you are not very comfortable with Sirius knowing, Potter, but he will not talk to anyone. After your outburst in History of Magic, he kind of realized how much you want to pass the exams’.

James felt his face flushing, but he just nodded.

‘And I had to tell him’, Evans continued. There was a wary expression on her face. ‘Sirius would know that we were in a room together, alone and – I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea’.

‘Ah’. 

He blinked, to no avail; suddenly, all he could picture of was that _wrong idea_. More than wrong, it was an impossible idea, but still, his mind could conjure, as if they were there, all the effects that being alone in a room with Lily Evans would imply. _Wrong,_ Evans had said.

‘That would be ridiculous’, he said, thanking the heavens his voice sounded normal. ‘I mean, you and me – us – together. As if’.

‘Yeah. After all, you're dating Mary’. James blinked, but Evans wasn’t looking at him anymore, seeming busy with organizing things inside her bag. ‘Saturday at 9 o’clock on the fifth floor?’

‘Perfect’, he agreed, and she smiled without turning to him. ‘Ah, Evans – don't get me wrong, but why are you really doing this?’

She sighed.

‘Because I try to help my friends, Potter’, she said, standing up. ‘Even the most annoying one’. Her tone was teasing; James laughed back.

There was something about Lily Evans that was soothing.

‘And I can accept help from my friends, even the most annoying one’. 

Evans laughed, her eyes sparkling.

‘See you Saturday?’

‘Sure’. He watched her walk away, until he called, on impulse. ‘Evans? Mary and I are not dating’.

‘Ah’, she looked at him, seeming confused. James felt suddenly stupid for saying that; it wasn’t like she would care for his love life. Or lack of one. ‘Okay. I mean, that’s bad. You look nice together’.

She bit her lips unsurely, and the confusion was still on her face when she joined her friends.

* * *

‘You're making a mistake, Potter’, Evans told James patiently, stopping him from putting unicorn hair in the cauldron. ‘I think your problem with Potions is your lack of concentration’.

He groaned, without answering her. Evans was right, but exceptionally that day, his lack of attention had a name and was beside him. She had left the window open, and the cold wind was blowing her hair in his direction.

If Evans wanted him to concentrate, she shouldn't be wearing such a nice perfume. His mind couldn't help but try to figure out what flower she smelled of.

Still, nothing would ever happen between them. No matter what had happened in the last weeks, he was still the Gryffindor oddity and she was still friends with Black. James could not be on what he called the _Blacklist_ , but he wasn't on the list of guys-who-could-go-out-with-Lily-Evans, either.

Not that he wanted to, _of course._ Just because she had this absurdly amazing scent, it didn't mean that he was thinking of ignoring the potion they were supposed to be making and press her against the wall and then –

‘Look, lower the fire and stir slow’. He did what she had ordered without really thinking of what he was doing. He was trying to breathe as little as possible. ‘Well, now, what are the three consequences of drinking too much Sleep Potion?’

‘Chronic insomnia, insensitivity and –‘, she looked at him, waiting calmly. The brightness of the room made her eyes seem more mesmerizing than ever; James felt something agitating inside him. ‘Tachycardia?’

Evans smiled, satisfied.

‘You're good at theory, Potter. You just need to improve in practice’.

And, as if to prove the point, the potion changed colour violently. She sighed and placed her hand over his, helping him to stir the potion in the right pace. He shuddered; _perhaps_ _we should close the window,_ he thought. The cold November wind seemed to be affecting him.

‘It's not much different from cooking’, Evans added. James couldn't understand how there were chills over his arm when her hand was so warm. He wondered if she had a fever; no one could be _that_ warm... ‘Do you?’

‘What?’, James asked, confused. Nothing made much sense.

‘Cook’.

‘I've cooked’, he whispered, his voice strangled. 'But I never burned the kitchen'. She chuckled softly, then took another step closer, looking at the cauldron.

‘It is the same thing. See, it's back to light blue. Just keep this rhythm’.

And she withdrew her hand. James tried to force his breathing to return to normal.

‘How do you know so much about potions?’

‘Usually, it’s a hunch’, she said, and when James looked at her, incredulous, she grinned. ‘Really. Sometimes I’m making a potion and I know that something is missing. Then I study. Reading the books, preparing other potions, everything helps me understand how the ingredients are supposed to work together. It’s relaxing, actually, because it makes sense, it's just chemistry really. And we all have our favourite classes. It’s not so different from you in Transfiguration. I’ve seen you and Sirius, you two make it seem like the easiest subject’.

Being compared with Black wasn’t very enjoyable, but James smiled anyway. Transfiguration easily was his best subject, he couldn’t deny it.

‘Have you thought about doing something related to that?’, Evans asked him, while they shred the unicorn's horn. When James looked at her, questioning, she added: ‘For your life, you know. You said you didn't know what you wanted to do’.

He hesitated, as he always did when the subject of his Animagus course arose. But Evans was remembering their conversation as if she really cared, and he thought that if he told her, she wouldn’t laugh. Maybe she would even appreciate it.

And she had called him a friend.

‘That's why I need the Outstanding in Potions. The Ministry of Magic requires it for beginning –‘, he took a deep breath, taking courage, while Evans just stared at him. ‘ – the Animagus course’.

She blinked, her mouth open.

‘Animagus? That’s what you want to be?’, she repeated, apparently too stunned to say anything. His face heated up furiously.

‘I know’, he admitted, flustered. ‘It's too ambitious, I would never –‘

‘I think it is awesome’, Evans cut him off. Now that James could interpret her expression, he thought she looked delighted. ‘Ambitious, yes, but if there is someone who could do it, it is you’. She smiled. ‘I don't know why I didn't think about it before. It fits you, Potter’.

‘So – you don't think it's silly or that I'll never make it or that –‘

‘I think you need to shut up –‘, she laughed, ‘- and focus on that potion. Now. Because you will pass Potions and you will become an Animagus’. The confidence in her voice was contagious. ‘Can I tell Sirius?’

James hesitated.

‘I'd rather keep it low for now. Just in case I can't get through’.

‘You need more self-esteem, Potter’, Evans declared, watching him carefully. ‘How can we get you more confidence?’

‘We?’, he repeated amusedly, but Evans didn't seem to hear him.

There was a calculating expression on her face, and that was a look that James had already seen on her face – and on the face of every other Marauder. It was the look that preceded a prank, one that filled him with uncertainty. Their pranks could be funny sometimes, but they could also be mean, like the time they had changed Snape’s clothes, giving him a long-flowered dress during a Halloween Feast, that had caused too much laughter.

She was silent for several minutes; after a while, James gave up waiting for her answer and turned to the potion. Evans wasn’t looking at him, but her hand stopped him automatically when he went to pick up the unicorn horns and pointed to the cup that he should measure the horn first. It was a little scary how she seemed to be so lost in her thoughts but still concentrated on the potion.

‘Have you thought about what animal you will become?’, she asked finally. Her face was relaxed now.

‘McGonagall told me I would discover in the first phase of the course if things go right. But if I could choose... I’d like some kind of bird, or maybe a Gryffindor lion, why not?’

He was speaking more playful than anything, but Evans shook her head thoughtfully.

‘I thought it would be something more – noble. You kind of look like a prince, Potter’. She looked him up and down with such attention that he felt embarrassed. ‘One of those who does not want to take the throne, although he knows he will have to do it one day’.

Even though she looked sober, he couldn’t help but smile.

‘Am I a prince? One of those beautiful ones with white horses?’

She hesitated for a second before she smiled.

‘Something like that, Potter. Don't let that go over your head’.

‘I won’t, Your Highness’, he replied teasingly, already settled that Evans was joking. If there were royalty at Hogwarts, he thought that people like Sirius Black would be much more appropriate for the part of the prince.

He wondered if that would make Lily Evans a princess.

‘I want to study death’, Evans murmured suddenly, her eyes sparkling resolutely. ‘That's why I want to work in the Department of Mysteries’.

‘Oh’. He was impressed. ‘Are you afraid to die?’ 

The question was too personal, but he thought she had allowed that kind of question.

‘Not of dying, it’s just...’. She took a deep breath and he remembered doing the same before telling her about his plans. ‘Do you know that family that You-Know-Who killed? He used an Unforgivable Curse’.

‘Avada Kedavra’, he whispered, and the air in the room suddenly became colder. Evans trembled and James had that sudden urge to comfort her: to put his arms around her shoulder and kiss her on the forehead, assuring that everything would be okay.

‘The Killing Curse. Unblockable. No known counter-curse. No chance of surviving it’. Her eyes flashed and there was fervour in her voice. ‘That's what I want to do, Potter. Study someway – a spell maybe – that stops it. If magic could create that kind of curse, there must be some kind of magic that can let us defend ourselves’. She stopped, suddenly embarrassed by her outburst. ‘So, yeah, I understand having ambitious plans’.

James looked at her, not knowing what to say. All he knew was that he was feeling like his plans weren’t even remarkable.

He could never have imagined Lily Evans working hours in a dark room in the Department of Mysteries, looking for a counterspell for the worst curse.

‘It’s not only ambitious’, said James after a while, slowly. ‘It would be great, Evans, like really important. It could change everything. And I think you could do that,’.

She smiled brightly at him.

‘You are nice, James Potter’, she said. Then she looked beyond him, thoughtful. ‘And you deserve more. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different’.

* * *

On the last Saturday of November, James woke up later than usual. Evans had reminded him the night before that there would be Gryffindor’s first Quidditch game next morning and suggested that they moved their tutoring class for Sunday.

With everything that happened and the fact that he barely had free time to breathe, as much as he enjoyed the game, Quidditch had simply escaped his attention. James supposed it was expected; it was not like he suffered from that tension that anticipated the games. He would be just another Gryffindor supporter in the stands, free to enjoy it without any pressure.

Sometimes, not being popular was good.

He was distracted when he arrived at the Great Hall. He greeted Mary and she nodded before looking worriedly at the middle of the table, where the Gryffindor team was gathered. The Hall was emptying around them; James looked at his watch and realized that the game was just fifteen minutes away; he was later than he thought, but the entire Quidditch team would never risk losing the beginning of the game.

With the increasing feeling that he was missing something, he turned to Mary.

‘What happened?’

‘McLaggen is in the Hospital Wing’, explained Mary, in a hushed voice. James had never seen her so upset. ‘The idiot thought it would be a good idea to take a bet on the eve of the match – and he got too close to the Whomping Willow. His arm is broken’.

‘The Seeker broke his arm?’, he repeated aloud. His voice attracted the attention of Sirius Black, making him break apart from the rest of the team to stare at James.

‘Yes, Potter’, he said, annoyed. ‘Thanks for saying the obvious. Anything you'd like to add?’.

James rolled his eyes; he wasn't going to let Black annoy him, not so early in the morning.

‘Sirius’, called Evans quietly, and James saw she was sitting near Black, almost in the middle of the team that she was not part of. ‘Give him a break. It's not Potter’s fault’.

‘Hey’, Gideon Prewett interrupted, and when James looked at him, he saw him and his brother, Fabian, with identical excited smiles on their faces. ‘You can play, James’.

‘What?’ asked James and Sirius Black at the same time. James didn't have time to find it funny.

‘We've already seen you in the air’, Fabian added brightly. ‘You’re a natural, James’.

‘You fly since when? When you were five?’

‘He didn't even appear in the selection. He never trained with us’, Black observed, although he didn’t seem certain of what he was saying. ‘He is out of shape’.

‘The Seeker is a lone player, Sirius’, Evans replied, her voice still calm. ‘That is the only reason you put up with McLaggen, remember?’

There was a murmur of agreement. Tiberius McLaggen was famous for being a jerk most of the time – but a decent Quidditch player when he kept his mouth shut.

‘I think James can handle the pressure’, Gideon agreed, exchanging a look with his brother. ‘But what do you say, Robins?’

Tom Robins turned to James; his captain's badge was shining with all the lights in the Great Hall.

‘Do you have a broom, Potter?’, he asked, very professionally.

‘A Silver Arrow’, answered James, slightly nervous.

Robins couldn’t really be considering Fabian and Gideon's idea –

‘And have you ever played as Seeker?’

James thought of all the nights when he’d slipped out of the dorm and had flown alone.

‘I have a Golden Snitch. I've been training with it for about ten years’.

Robins seemed torn between disbelief and hope.

‘And do you think you can play this game today?’

James took a deep breath, looking at the six players in front of him, and then at Evans. Fabian and Gideon had the same joyful smile as if it all had been their idea in the first place. Black was watching him uncertainly, seeming, like Robins, to have no opinion on this matter. And Lily Evans…

For once, James could understand her expression. She looked pleased as if she knew exactly what James was going to do.

And looking at her, he knew there was really one answer he could give to Robins’ questions.

‘I can’, he said, without hesitation.

* * *

There were a few moments where James was sure he was having the strangest dream. But the wind seemed very real and he’d never had such a loud dream – and the sound of the crowd was absurdly thundering considering he was fifty feet above the ground.

He was terrified... But he was loving every moment.

It was as if he was born for it – the crowd had cried when his name was announced as the new player. He couldn't tell if they were mourning or cheering, but it didn't matter; the cries had propelled him. The uniform of the Gryffindor team, even without his name, had fitted him perfectly; his broom, a gift from his father for his last birthday, seemed more exceptional than ever – it was obeying his thoughts as if the broom was also happy to be finally flying in broad daylight. Even the Bludgers, something James had never practiced much with, were no problem for him – he could easily dodge them as if they were nothing more than annoying mosquitoes.

The match was intense below him, but it was as Evans had mentioned; he was the lone player there. Nott, the Slytherin Seeker, didn't seem to know what to expect from him; sometimes he followed James, other times he just flew to the other side of the field. He didn't bother James any more than the Bludgers.

He had found something he was really good at and nobody could say anything against him; not even Black, whose eyes still showed his doubts when the game started, stopped to make any comment. James remembered the problems Black had pointed out early, and yet it didn't matter that he had trained Quidditch alone his whole life.

He was _good_.

Gryffindor was only two goals ahead when he finally saw the Golden Snitch shining closer to the ground; a little over fifteen minutes of the game had passed. Nott was above him, looking in the wrong direction. James laughed, delighted and proud, and dived.

Nothing else mattered but that golden ball hovering just ten feet off the ground.

And then he recovered from the dive, holding the Snitch firmly in hand. Its wings fluttered, useless, while Madam Hooch whistled, announcing the end of the game.

For a full second, he just stood there in the air, completely amazed – _he had caught the Snitch_. He had always loved flying, had always found it easy – but he had never really believed that he would ever get the chance to play Quidditch at Hogwarts. And yet there he was, still holding the Golden Snitch for everyone to see. It was his lucky day.

He didn't see where she came from, but Mandy Brown, the Keeper, was hugging him; she was quickly followed by the rest of the team. Spinning in the air, they returned to the ground; the crowd seemed to run towards them. Their sound was more deafening than ever, but this time James could hear the exaltation in their voices as they cried his name.

‘It was a good match, Potter’, he heard Black say, as he patted James’ back. He was grinning. ‘Not bad at all’.

But he knew that if Sirius Black had cared enough to say, that was a great compliment.

In the next instant, the crowd had lifted him into the air – the Snitch's wings were still struggling, trying to escape, while he waved it to the delight of the crowd. He wasn’t letting the Snitch fly away; that was the symbol of his victory.

He only loosed the Snitch when he entered the locker room, after promising dozens of times that he would attend the celebration party. As the Golden Snitch flew away, hiding in one of the corners of the room, there was another wave of applause as the team greeted him. James beamed, and a part of him thought he should be blushing with all that attention, but he realized he didn’t mind. For once, he thought it was the attention he deserved.

That was when his eyes found Lily Evans; she was not on the team, but no one seemed to care about her presence. She was leaning against one of the wooden columns of the room, with the same serene smile James had seen on her lips before the match. For a moment, still wrapped in the elation of the victory, in the jubilation of hearing his name being chanted, James imagined pressing Evans against that column and kissing her more fiercely than he had even dared to think before.

Then he noticed her eyes – they were sparkling. And her smile wasn’t just calm – it was satisfied. As if she had designed and executed a perfect plan, like the time when the candles in the Great Hall had been charmed to sing 'Happy Birthday' on Dumbledore's birthday. It was the look of a Marauder who had accomplished a prank.

It took him a second to understand – suddenly, he remembered Lily Evans saying that he deserved more and wondering how could she help improve his confidence. He thought of Mary saying that McLaggen had lost a bet, injured just one day before the game – and the Prewett twins insisting that he should play.

After all, he was feeling more confident than ever. After all, he had played. 

Except luck did not have anything to do with it – unless luck went by the name of Lily Evans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: James discusses with Evans and deals with the aftermath of the match.


	6. A chance

_'A small amount of talent on the Quidditch field made him think he was a cut above the rest of us too'._ \- Severus Snape, HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban

* * *

Evans seemed oblivious to the rage building inside James. She just remained standing against the wooden column, talking to the other players, commenting on the match; maybe because he never attended any postmatch meetings or because she didn't play herself, James had never thought she understood Quidditch so much.

But she certainly didn't take it seriously, if she had organized such a big plan so that he could play.

‘See you at the party, Potter’, Robins shouted, nodding at him with a smile.

‘Show up there’, added Black, without animosity in his voice. He turned to speak to Evans, but Mandy Brown, beside him, pulled him by the arm, giggling heartily. From what Mary had told James, Mandy was one of Sirius Black's admirers.

James rolled his eyes and turned to his things. As if reading his thoughts, Evans handed him the shirt he’d used that morning, with a quiet smile on her lips. For an instant, James felt embarrassed to be shirtless in front of her; then he remembered what she had done, and nothing else mattered.

‘Aren't you going to the party?’, he asked dryly, but she didn’t seem to notice his distress.

‘I'm waiting for you’, she said, her tone indicating it was obvious; James noted that everyone else had gone and they were alone.

Ten minutes early that fact would have filled him with ideas, but now he could only think that it seemed as if Evans thought she had just done him a great honour by waiting for him.

Only she would be wrong. He wasn't one of  _ her _ admirers.

‘I'm not going, Evans, so you can find another fool to keep you company’. 

_ Not that it would be difficult _ , he thought dully but decided not to add that part. 

Evans just blinked.

‘Why do you mean you are not going?’, she asked, aghast. ‘This is your moment of glory. Everyone loves you right now. You are their hero!’

It was tempting, with the way she spoke, to just let himself believe her words. He knew that if he closed his eyes, he could still hear the crowd shouting his name, amazed at how well he’d flown. 

But he had never asked for that. James could have tried for a spot on the team ever since he got to Hogwarts and he knew he was good enough to get in, but he also always knew that Sirius Black wouldn’t let him be part of it.

‘You set me up’, he accused, without a hint of uncertainty in my voice, watching her closely. For a split second, her calm expression flickered.

‘And how did I do that?’, asked Evans, in a strangely polite voice.

‘You made that bet with McLaggen, you knew he would take it. And then you convinced the Prewett’s that I should play’.

She bit her lips thoughtfully; James tried to force himself not to be distracted by the gesture.

‘Maybe I know more about that bet than I let on, maybe I did talk to the Prewett’s. Still, that wouldn’t be setting you up’. When James snorted, annoyed, she crossed her arms. ‘What's wrong with what I did?’

‘The problem is that I  _ didn't wanted _ !’

She let out an incredulous laugh.

‘Really, Potter? You loved playing, it was written all over your face. You were born to fly, and you were born for people to see you flying, instead of hiding yourself on Sunday nights. You loved everyone shouting your name’. Her smile was patronizing now. ‘You want to be admired, you want to be a hero, Potter’.

‘Not like that’, he whispered, in an unsteady voice. ‘Not with plans and tricks –‘

‘Ah, Potter’, she cut him off, her face flushed. ‘I was so lucky that I wouldn't even call it a plan. First, McLaggen accepted that bet so easily that it wasn’t even a challenge. Gideon and Fabian loved it when I suggested you should play; apparently, they already wanted to see you playing for so long that, again, it wasn’t difficult. Robins was desperate, of course, and –‘, she stopped, looking at James with an inviting smile, ‘- you, Potter, you were the one I was luckiest with. I thought you were going to refuse, that we would have to beg you to play. But you accepted - you wanted to play - and, as everyone saw, you are really good. So, in the end, you did everything. I just gave you a push’.

He shook his head in disbelief.

‘You didn't mind using people just because you wanted to give me a "push"?’, he repeated coldly. ‘You didn’t even know if I could play!’

‘Of course I did’, she replied with dignity. ‘I followed you last week, I saw you flying. I wasn’t going to follow my plan if you weren’t good, Potter’.

For a moment, James thought she sounded really reasonable and he felt warm at the thought of Evans watching him fly. Then he forced himself to ignore these thoughts.

‘But there were so many things that could go  _ wrong _ . Didn't it cross your mind that I could be late or just deny it? What would you do, then? Let Gryffindor lose?’

Her smile faltered a little.

‘It doesn’t matter what could have happened. Everything worked out perfectly’. 

James looked at her, not sharing her optimism, and turned to leave. She stepped in front of him.

‘James’, she began, and he realized, startled, that this was the first time she called him for his first name. ‘I'm serious. You are an excellent player and you deserved the chance to play, so –‘

‘I deserved a chance?’, he repeated dryly. ‘Why do you get to decide that?’

She blinked, taking two steps back, but James was beyond reason. 

‘And I didn't deserve it before? When I wanted to play, but Black wouldn’t let me join the team? When he said I would just hand the game?’

‘Sirius is not the captain’, remembered Evans, sounding stressful. ‘He couldn't stop –‘

‘Obviously you've never been on Black's bad side, Evans’, said James. ‘Why do you think I never show up at parties? Or why I always as far from you guys as I can? I was never welcomed’.

She didn't answer, just looked down.

‘I don't know what I did to make you think I "deserve" something, Evans, but you can forget it’.

‘I said you were my friend’, Evans recalled, biting her lip. ‘At least, I thought so. Potter - you - you heard me when you didn't need to. You saved Snape and Remus... You are a hero, and you didn't get credit for it. I just wanted to make things even’.

‘Ah’. Suddenly things seemed to make more sense to James. ‘So that help in Potions and today's plan was because you thought things weren't right?’

‘Potions have nothing to do with it’. she replied uneasily. ‘That was just because I didn't want you to fail the exam’.

‘Thanks for the honour’, he said sarcastically, trying to get to the door.

She grabbed his arm. It wasn't a strong pressure, and James could easily break away, but his gaze met hers and he hesitated. She looked really sorrowful.

‘You  _ loved _ it, Potter’, she observed softly, and James wished she weren’t right. ‘At least admit it’.

He couldn’t.

‘If I loved every manipulation, did you mean?’, he asked coldly. She withdrew her hand. ‘So tell me – what did you bet with McLaggen? Snogging on a broom closet?’

The sorrow vanished from her eyes, replaced by a murderous fire. James fought the instinct to take a step back.

‘I was just trying to help you, Potter, because it’s clear you are too craven to do anything. Yes –‘, she added, when James opened his mouth to answer back, ‘- you are. That's why you only fly at night. That's why nobody knows that you want to be an animagus. Your problem with people finding out is just because you are too afraid of failing. It is not Sirius' fault that you never joined the team - you who were too much of a coward to take a risk’.

And without giving him time to respond, she turned and left the changing room.

* * *

* * *

A light rain had started; James looked up at the sky and remembered how, hours before, it had been blue and cloudless. He was the last person who could criticize changes in anything - hours before, he’d been happy and excited.

The rain seemed to reflect his mood perfectly. He stood, watching the raindrops falling on the lake, while his clothes soaked slowly.

‘James?’, he heard a rough voice calling him and turned around. Through the wet lens of his glasses, he saw Rubeus Hagrid waving to him from the entrance to his hut. ‘What yeh’re doing out there? Come inside!’

James thought about denying it or pointing out he’d just soak Hagrid's hut, but he knew Hagrid enough to know the gamekeeper would just insist anyway. Hagrid kept the door open, waiting for him to enter.

James approached the fireplace; the cabin was warm and comfortable, and he only realized now how cold he was.

‘Why aren’ yeh at the victory party?’, Hagrid asked, leaning towards the oven. 'Yeh should be celebratin'!'

‘Not interested’, James replied emotionless, accepting one of the muffins he was offering. He was hungry, but not so much he wanted to lose any teeth, so he bit the muffin carefully.

‘I saw yeh flying’, Hagrid continued, watching him closely. ‘Why yeh never played before?’

James grimaced.

‘I've been flying since I was five’, he explained absently. ‘I just never wanted to join the team’.

His voice trembled, but he tried saying to himself he wasn’t lying, not really. With Black on the team, he knew his time in the Quidditch team wouldn't be much fun.

Except Black hadn’t really criticized him today, had seemed even nice – 

‘You should’, said Hagrid, smiling. ‘Yeh’re better than most people I've ever seen, and I've been at Hogwarts for some time’.

James smiled back, feeling strangely refreshed with the compliment – it seemed pure, free; Hagrid wouldn't want anything back, he wouldn't set him up to join the team, he wasn’t thinking if James deserved anything…

‘I'm sorry I didn't show up earlier’, he mumbled, trying to stir his thoughts away from Lily Evans. ‘I've been busy with studies and stuff’.

Hagrid nodded.

‘I know, the Fifth year is very difficult’. Hagrid poured him some tea, which James gratefully accepted. ‘Lily told me that yeh’re studyin’ together’.

James choked on the tea.

‘Yes, we were’, he replied tensely. He forced a smile. ‘Speaking of me, Rubeus?’

He nodded, not in the least embarrassed.

‘They - the Marauders - have spoken highly of you’, he declared, laughing at James’ disbelieved look’. ‘That’s why I wanted to talk to you abou’ anyway. What happened at the Shrieking Shack?’ When James hesitated, Hagrid smiled kindly. 'I know about Remus’.

James sighed and took another sip of the tea before telling him what had happened. He had a funny feeling recounting the events, thinking that so many things had changed in his life because of that day. 

In fact, now he thought about it, he wouldn't have played Quidditch if he and Evans hadn't begun talking, if she hadn’t felt grateful for what had happened that day. He would be just another spectator in the match, watching the game with that feeling he always had that he should be playing.

But, still, he didn’t need her gratitude for anything.

‘That's what I imagined’, commented Rubeus, thoughtfully, after James finished his story. ‘I didn' wan’ to ask Remus, he already looks so bad without remembering it’.

James shook his head.

‘He blamed himself, but it wasn’t his fault, he had nothing to do with it’.

‘You like him’, Hagrid observed, looking amused. ‘I thought you didn' like the Marauders’.

‘I don't like Black’, James mumbled, suddenly uneasy. ‘Or Evans’.

Hagrid poured him more tea.

‘Sirius still teasin’ you? He's a good boy’. When James rolled his eyes, Hagrid added: ‘I don' know why yeh're not friends. He's nothin’ like the rest of his family. And yeh two seem so alike sometimes –‘

‘I've been told that, but I really don’t see it… Well, being fair, Black has improved ever since I fixed his mistake’.

‘Sirius told me abou’ it. He came here when they were talkin’ to him’. He sighed. ‘It was heart-breaking seein’ Lily and Sirius apart. I knew she missed him too’.

‘Evans cares about others, who would know?’

Hagrid studied him, frowning.

‘What happened between yeh an’ Lily?’, he asked gravely.

James hesitated. As angry as he was with Evans, he really didn't want Hagrid to think badly of her, neither he wanted anything to happen with her because of her plan.

‘She did something I didn't agree with’, he said at least, avoiding looking directly at Hagrid.

‘Hmm’. Hagrid seemed to know there was something James just didn't want to tell, but he didn’t seem like he’d press James to say it. ‘She told that yeh were doing well, with that help in Potions’.

‘We were – it’s just - Evans has this way of solving problems that is not my way’.

He thought for a moment.

‘So, whatever she did... Would yeh do it differently?’

‘Well, I would never do what she did. Actually, what I would do... it would be nothing’.

‘Perhaps, in that case... Maybe she is not wrong. You would do nothin’. She did  _ somethin _ ’. You can't blame her for trying to do  _ anythin’ _ .’

James shook his head stubbornly.

‘She could have asked me before. Maybe want to know how I felt about it’.

‘James… I know Lily and she cares deeply about people. She is really kind and has a sense of righteousness that I’ve never seen in anyone else’.

‘Righteous? Kind? She never stands up for anyone that Black hexes or pranks –‘

‘Not in public, but Sirius has his reasons. Half of the problems Sirius is got into is because of Lily. He would defend her with his life’.

James huffed, exasperated.

‘What does that girl have to make everyone love her?’

Hagrid seemed to think about it before answering.

‘She's good’, he said simply. ‘She was very influenced by Sirius, and, like him, she distrusts Slytherins’. He paused again as if measuring what he would say to James. ‘She arrived at Hogwarts without knowin’ anythin’, like so many other Muggleborns. Sirius taught her everythin’ and protected her. In fact, he protects her until today’. He chuckled. ‘I don't think Lily knows. She would never accept it’. 

James didn’t have an opinion about Black and Evans’ relationship, but he supposed Evans would really hate feeling restrained in any way.

‘Yeh were also influenced’, Hagrid added.

‘How come?’

‘Your friend, Snape. He doesn' like Sirius’.

‘I wouldn't mind Sev's opinion if Black didn’t deserve it. But he gets out of his way – of he did, anyway – just to harass Snape. And he never let me alone neither. I didn’t need to hear what Severus says about Black to not stand him. And see Remus, for example. Severus can’t stand him, but I like him’.

‘Yeah, maybe. But yeh care about Remus, but yeh can't stand Lily? I know you never liked her, even though Lily never did anythin’ to you’.

‘I'm just not one of her worshippers. I don’t care if she is brilliant in classes or if everyone loves her or if she is bloody gorgeous… you know what? Forget that last part’.

James blushed, annoyed with himself, but Hagrid just chuckled again.

‘I won’t remember what yeh said’, he assured. ‘Just ... think about it. Lily is a nice girl and she really has a good heart. Yeh should give her a chance’.

* * *

Even at three in the afternoon, the party was still going on in the Gryffindor Common Room when James finally showed up. No one seemed to care that he had been absent all day – people just shouted when they saw him, applauding him or coming to praise him for the match. James found himself smiling and thanking until he was able to be alone at the drinks table, noticing distractedly that someone had somehow managed to bring several bottles of butterbeer from Hogsmeade.

_ Give her a chance _ .

Hagrid's voice echoed in his mind. James frowned. It was easy for Hagrid to say that. No one had devised something against his will, no one had judged if he was worthy of deserving anything…

_ No _ , he tried,  _ let's think positive _ .

Why should he give Lily Evans a chance? Well, she was giving him those tutor classes in Potions. He hadn't asked for her help – she had offered him. And his grades had really increased to a decent 'Acceptable' in the past few weeks. She was an entertaining tutor, which worked better for him than being in a stale dungeon working quietly. Evans filled the silence with comments, reflections, and questions that gave him the impression that it would be possible to really know Lily Evans; not just the popular, loved, marauder girl. 

After all, she had gone after Snape. Heartless people wouldn't care about the death of someone she didn't even talk to.

But then, he thought, already with a butterbeer in his hand, looking around the room, if she really cared, she’d have asked him if he wanted her help. She wouldn't just go around assuming he needed to be rewarded. She wouldn't be laughing around with someone else, not when she should feel guilty, when she should be apologizing to him instead of laughing with some stupid Seventh-Year guy.

James shook his head and forced himself to look away from where Lily Evans was sitting on the couch; she wasn’t alone and that bothered him beyond comprehension.

There were other things that should capture his attention: Mary had approached him, every now and then someone would greet and praise him, and there were two girls across the room looking in his direction with nice smiles. Still, he could hear, as if he were by her side instead of as far as he could, the sound of Lily Evans' cheerful laughter. 

For a moment, he gave up pretending otherwise and glanced at her. She looked calm, not mischievous nor angry as she’d been the last time he’d saw her. And she must have known he was watching her, because even though she would look away from her company now and then, she never looked in James’ direction.

He felt exhausted.

‘Are you alright?’, he heard Mary asking and he turned to her, grateful to have something that would divert his attention.

The last thing he wanted to see was Evans snogging someone else.

‘Yeah, just tired’.

‘It was a great match. I didn't know you flew so well’.

‘That's what everyone said to me today’. 

She laughed.

‘Well, you've been impressing people lately. First, you had quite an adventure in the Whomping Willow. Then you save Gryffindor from a spectacular defeat. What comes next?’, she asked, raising her eyebrows.

James blushed.

‘Who knows?’, he replied teasingly. ‘Maybe I'm leaving the best for last’.

‘I bet you are’, said Mary, her eyes sparkling. She indicated the two girls who were still looking at James. ‘You won admirers today’.

‘Ah’.

He didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t have admirers. Strange, misplaced, and outcast guys didn’t have admirers. 

‘And that – hum – that doesn’t upset you?’

‘If I am jealous of you? Not because of them’. She gave him a critical look. ‘I don’t think you are one of those who can go out with anyone, without having feelings first’.

She glanced behind James and, when he turned, he saw Sirius Black talking quietly to Mandy near the stairs, in soft voices. They seemed very close and James already imagined where it would end. 

‘Sirius is great, but he is not fit for a relationship’. She laughed lightly. ‘That's one of the things I like about you, James. You…  _ care _ . You couldn't just snog someone if you didn't feel something first’.

He thought of their date. It had been nice.

‘Well, then things should have worked out between us. I like you’.

‘As a friend’, she noted, unconcerned. ‘You know, I said I didn't mind waiting, and I don't, really, but… It's a lost cause. Mandy was right about you, you are of this one true love guys’.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean that you have one love, and only one. You won’t be truly happy with anyone else’. She blushed suddenly, as if she had realized what she was talking about. ‘At least, I think I read about it in some silly romance. I enjoy muggle novels, you know’.

James just smiled, not really taking it seriously.

‘So how does this one true love work? Soulmates?’

The expression on her face was more playful now.

‘Something like that. You know, most people tend to think that opposites attract, but that doesn't always work’. When James chuckled, she crossed her arms, falsely offended. ‘I learnt all about it in Divination. The thing is that there must be equilibrium in any relationship’. She took his hand, turning the palm up and running her finger lightly. ‘Let's try basic palmistry. Here is the line of love’.

She traced an imaginary line in his hand. Her touch was pleasant. 

‘By the way, your lifeline is short, James, better be careful ... Ah!’, she sighed exaggeratedly. ‘Your perfect match is shorter than you, probably born in winter, makes you feel confused most of the time and -’, she frowned, thoughtful, ‘- you confuse her too. See? You make a perfect couple because you don't understand each other’.

‘What happened to the magic of love, of knowing what the other person wants without needing words?’. When she raised her eyebrows questioningly, James shrugged. ‘My parents do this all the time’.

‘Well, maybe it will happen after you get past this confusion stage’.

James laughed, amused, but his joy was gone the instant his gaze met Lily Evans's. Maybe she was tired of ignoring him, or maybe it happened by chance, but the fact was that there was a sober unhappy expression on her face as she stared at James. Then her eyes fell to the hand that Mary was still holding, still tracing invisible lines, and her face became emotionless.

Without blinking, she turned to the guy by her side, that was offering her a drink, and she accepted with a smile ready on her lips, ignoring James.

He sighed and drank more from his own cup. Mary was looking at him with a sad smile on her lips as if she knew a secret.

‘Are you alright?’, she asked him again, and he nodded distractedly.

He wasn't going to tell her that, in fact, he was feeling pretty confused.

* * *

‘I  _ knew _ I would find you here’.

James lifted his head to find Severus walking fast in his direction, ignoring the house-elves who gathered around him, asking if he wanted something, and sat across the small table James was at. James frowned. Severus’ voice had sounded derisive, but that didn’t match the expression in his eyes; they seemed calculating.

‘What are you doing in the kitchen?’, asked James. Severus had never liked the place and he hadn’t pretended otherwise.

Snape ignored the question; his eyes were still fixed upon James as if he had never seen him before.

‘I didn't know you flew like that’, Severus said after a few moments.

There was something in his voice that he had never used to talk to James before, at least not referring to him. It was the same thing James recognized in his voice when he was talking about Black.

It sounded like… envy.

‘Nobody knew’, James mumbled wryly. Snape disregarded this too.

‘You are good’, he said, and yet James didn’t feel it sounded like a compliment. Severus looked to the teacup James was holding and said in a deliberated light voice: ‘So that means you are going to join the Quidditch team?’

James shrugged.

‘Dunno. Nobody talked about it. I was just a replacement, McLaggen was stupid enough to take a bet and –‘

‘Don't be stupid’, Snape cut him off. ‘Everyone knows you are much better than McLaggen. You just need to snap your fingers and you get his place’. He paused briefly, his eyes still narrow. ‘You want to join the team, don't you?’

James hesitated.

He loved flying, he loved the emotions that Quidditch had brought him and he loved the strange confidence that playing has instilled into him. Beyond all the annoyance he’d felt after the game, there was a thought that had been growing up inside his mind: now that people knew he was a good player, no one could stop him from playing.

But if he accepted it – if he pushed for a place in the team – then he would be taking advantage of Lily Evans’ idea as if he agreed with what she had done, and James was stubborn enough to not wanting to appear grateful to her.

‘I don't know’, he answered honestly.

‘What you do not know?’, Severus asked, his voice harder now. ‘Why wouldn't you join the team? You would be popular. Black wouldn’t dare to mess with you again. The girls would not despise you - they would chase after you’.

James blinked, surprised. Popularity was not something that had come to his mind; it was one thing to enjoy people shouting his name, cheering him, but that didn't mean he was popular -

Except those girls had looked at him and people - who wouldn’t pay him attention except to laugh if Black had said something about him - had come to clasp his hand and to congratulate him for the match. And after the game no one had joked about him, said anything bad; people had looked at him with  _ respect _ . As if they admired him. As if they wanted to be like him.

That was a concept James had never thought of before. He usually avoided drawing attention to himself.

‘If I'm joining the Quidditch team it will be because I like the sport’, he said finally. ’Not because I want to be popular’.

The expression on Snape’s face softened a little, but James could still read the disbelief there.

‘I bet even Evans came to talk to you’, Severus added in a careful voice.

James took a deep breath, suddenly troubled.

‘She was already talking to me. And you wouldn't want Evans talking to you’.

A second after saying it, James rolled his eyes, already feeling foolish. Of course Severus Snape would want Lily Evans talking to him. It was what he had wanted the most in the past four years. 

‘Look, she is not - she is not as perfect as you think’.

Severus just raised his eyebrows, skeptical.

‘What is not perfect about Lily Evans?’

‘She's more like Black than you know’.

Severus laughed mockingly. James should have known it was a lost cause; that fixation of Severus for Evans had passed a reasonable limit a long time ago.

‘There has to be at least something good in her’, Snape said, in an almost patient voice, as if he thought James was the one unreasonable there.

_ Give her a chance,  _ repeated Hagrid’s voice inside James’ head.

‘Okay. She's been nice and helpful to me lately. But she is - well, she did something horrible’.

There was no shadow of a smile on Snape’s face now.

‘What did she do?’, he asked quietly. When James didn’t answer right away, he frowned and pulled his chair closer to the table. ‘James? We are friends. You can say anything to me’.

James felt the last drop of hesitation slipping away. Severus was right, of course.

James had known Severus longer than he had known any other friend - and they were best friends. Just as Severus confided his feelings for Evans, or how James was the only one in the entire school to really know about Severus’ family problems, James should have been able to tell his best friend something that he hadn't promised to keep secret.

So he told him. He spoke how Evans had said, during their first potions reinforcement, that she knew James deserved more. He explained how she had set him up, with the help from the Prewett twins, just so he could play Quidditch. And finally, he observed that Evans had not regretted what she had done, that she was just like Black, judging who deserved things or not.

After he finished his story, there was a long silence, broken only by the sounds that the house-elves made in the kitchen.

‘Evans said you were a hero?’ asked Severus at least. ’Because of that thing with the werewolf?’

James nodded, baffled. It was not the first thing he would have asked about his account; there were details far more important.

‘You must have really impressed her if she went to so much trouble just for you to play Quidditch’, Snape added, his eyes distant.

‘It's not as if I care whether she is impressed or not’, replied James, resolute to not show any appreciation for her. ‘See why she isn't perfect? She's selfish and scheming and -’

‘Yeah, I suppose’. He raised, his brows still furrowed. ‘I wouldn't - I wouldn't forgive her if I were you’.

There was a shadow of uncertainty in his voice, but James just nodded, seriously. Severus’ dark eyes pierced into James’ and whatever he saw there seemed to calm him.

‘I'm leaving. Are you staying?’

‘It's still early. I think I'll want another cup of chocolate before I face everything’.

‘You know, you can always move to Slytherin. Nobody cares for who is popular over there’.

‘That's because everyone there is unpopular’, James joked lightly. Severus rolled his eyes.

‘Right. Don't let Filch find you after curfew’.

‘Yes, _ mom _ ’, James scoffed. ’No one has ever come close to catching me’.

‘Oh, yes. Your light feet’. James just grinned and nodded, ignoring the fact that his Invisibility Cloak was safely hidden in his pocket. ’Good night’.

‘Night’, James wished and his voice made Severus look at him again.

For a split second, James thought there was an inexplicable uneasy on Severus’ face as if he was afraid of James for some reason. Then Severus blinked and James decided that he was just really tired, because there was nothing on Severus’ face, the same one that James knew since he was seven.

The face of his oldest friend.

* * *

Safe under the Cloak, James returned to the Common Room well past midnight. He was exhausted, but he couldn't bring himself to leave the kitchen early. He didn't want to receive any more praise for the game - and it felt like his wish had been granted, because the room was almost empty when he entered. There were only two couples.

Black and Mandy were at the bottom of the stairs to the Boy’s Dormitories, sharing what James dearly hoped was their goodbye kiss. He rolled his eyes, not at all impressed by the fact his path was blocked, and his gaze fell on the other couple still in the room. Evans and that seventh year were still on the couch. James thought the boy looked even more foolish now, because there was a bottle in his hand that didn’t look like butterbeer.

‘What do you think it was?’, Evans was asking, looking with attention to the portrait that was still closing behind James. For an instant, her gaze locked on James’, until he remembered that was impossible. She couldn't really see him.

‘Who cares?’, the boy scoffed. ’Is Black gone?’.

She frowned and turned to see Sirius Black climbing the stairs to his dorm. James was free to go now.

‘Yes.

‘Good’, the boy said and he leaned over to kiss her. James looked away quickly, his stomach churning. He walked quickly, wanting to get out of there as soon as he could, and he accidentally bumped into one of the tables in the room. A vase of flowers shattered on the floor. He cursed under his breath.

‘What was that?’, he heard Evans asking, startled.

He didn't turn to look at her, just standing in the middle of the room and wishing she would forget him and return to her date.

Except he felt he didn’t really want that.

James shuddered. There was something stuck in his throat, uncomfortable. He suddenly wished he had his broom so he could fly away as high as possible, to anywhere other than being in this room right now.

‘Never mind, Evans’, the boy whispered insistently, and James decided that her attention should already be diverted enough. He started walking again, not wanting to hear anything else.

‘You're a little drunk, Flint’, commented Evans dryly, and James thought she had raised.

‘You too’, Flint mocked. Evans didn't laugh.

‘We are done for today’, she said firmly.

‘Don't be silly’, Flint replied. ‘Black isn’t here, so now -’

‘Now what?’, she asked, and James recognized the steel in her voice. It spoke of danger.

‘Now you're free’, said Flint, as if it were obvious.

James turned around; it was not what he’d expected to see. Flint had pressed Evans against the wall, ignoring her standing arms.

‘Let me go’, she said, in a deadly voice. He ignored her, approaching her as much as he could.

‘You don't fool me, Evans, you  _ want  _ to. Just pretend I'm Black and do everything you do with him’.

‘You  _ bastard _ -’, her cursing died when Flint pressed his lips against her. 

The Cloak slipped from James.

Without really thinking about it, he ran to them, pulling Flint away from her. He dropped to the floor, panting, and James pulled out his wand. Before he could point it at him, however, there was a loud bang.

James turned around. Evans had her wand up too, glaring at Flint, who had been thrown across the room. James thought there was something strange with his face, but before he could understand, Evans turned towards him, her wand still raised, in his direction.

There were a few seconds of hesitation, then he dropped his hand and she sat on the nearest couch, her face pale.

‘Evans?’, he asked softly, and she looked up. There was a fierce expression on her face.

James thought suddenly of those animals he had seen at the London Zoo once - those wild beasts retreating in their cages.

‘What? Are you going to say you agree with him?’

James sighed, for the first time unaffected by her behavior. Her lips were trembling.

‘No, I won’t’, he murmured, sitting down beside her. Evans recoiled from him.

‘You're just like him’, Evans declared, her seagreen eyes shining with what James thought were tears, only he had never seen her cry. ’Thinking that I go around exchanging snogs with anyone’.

He sighed again.

‘I don't really believe that, Evans. I only said that because I was angry. I’m really sorry’. There was a pause, during which James thought her expression had softened a little. ‘Are you alright?’

‘I'll be’, she whispered, biting her lip. She was still very pale.

James reached out to touch her hand, and she stepped back, before taking a deep breath and letting him take her hand. It wasn't very warm but somehow seemed like the ideal temperature.

She blinked, surprised with something James didn’t understand, and their eyes locked.

For a heartbeat, James had a feeling that time had slowed down. Evans was looking at him, her eyes evaluating him, and he realized that he was looking at her with the same expression as if all he wanted was to understand her. He wasn’t sure yet of what he thought of Lily Evans, but, strangely, he wasn't worried about it. It was as if he had all the time in the world to unravel her, to discover her without haste, and he had the impression that she also felt exactly the same.

‘I'm sorry’, she whispered, in a voice as soft as the crackle of the fire behind them. ’For that stupid plan. I don't regret thinking that you deserved something, but I didn't ask you if that was what you wanted, and I didn’t think that my idea of reward was different from yours’.

It was everything James had wanted to hear all day, but listening to it, he realized he didn't need it.

He had flown and he had played Quidditch, things he had longed for before Hogwarts. If it weren’t for Evans’ plan, he would never have had that chance. She’d been right; no matter who he would blame, it was him that had never even gone to a trial to join the team.

‘I'm sorry too. I may have overreacted’.

‘A little’, she agreed, and then they were both laughing lightly. ’You shouldn't give up on flying though’.

‘I won’t’, James said, his decision was suddenly made. He knew what he had to do. ’But I will wait for the next trial. I will join the team the right way’.

There was a different smile on her lips.

‘Of course you will. I wouldn’t expect anything less from you’. She waited until he smiled back. ’For what matters, I don't think you're a coward, Potter. You are one of the bravest people I have ever met’.

She trembled again and looked away, getting up. ’I should go’.

‘Are you alright?’, he asked, raising too. She nodded; her face was suddenly grave.

‘I don't enjoy being defended or saved. I'm not a damsel in distress’.

That idea had never crossed his mind.

‘I know’, James said, confused.

He always saw a resplendent strength in her, which he sometimes thought was because of her red hair. His mother was also a redhead and she could get quite temperamental on occasion. 

’And anyway, I don't think you needed that much help’, he pointed to Flint, still motionless on the floor. ’What did you throw at him?’

A mischievous gleam appeared in her eyes and, for the first time, James was really happy to see it.

‘A hex that Sirius tried to create, but it didn't quite work... It was supposed to create tentacles on the face, like an octopus, but instead, it only makes horns grow like a really bad acne. Flint will stay with the marks for a few weeks’.

‘He deserved it’, James said, before it crossed his mind that it was probably what the Marauders always thought before casting a spell on someone. That thought disturbed him. ’How did you end up on his side?’

‘I don't know’, she answered honestly, blushing. ’I was sitting there, fuming because of you, and he came up to me and - and for a second I just thought about how he was obviously different from you, how he clearly didn't hate me... I wasn’t really thinking’.

‘Evans, I don't hate you’.

‘Not even for an instant today?’

‘No’, he assured. ’I’ wasn't thinking either when I said those things to you’.

She nodded as if she understood perfectly.

‘Good night, James’, she said, letting go of his hand. James felt a sudden urge to grab her hand, but he resisted. 

He shook his head, trying to draw away from these thoughts.

‘Good night, Evans’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Between unexpected jealousy, dating suggestions and a bitter advice, James Potter finds out exactly what his feelings for Lily Evans are.


	7. Goodwill

"She _ had a way of seeing beauty in others ... even, and especially, when that person could not see it in themselves." - _ Remus Lupin, HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban (movie)

* * *

‘Mr. Black!’

Minerva McGonagall's voice cut sharply across the room, louder and drier than the laughter that was still echoing in the room.

James looked in their direction, suddenly annoyed. Each one of the Marauders' faces was radiating joy as their light, almost contagious laugh filled the classroom. James could think of several things that meant this was a bad time to be laughing freely: there were in the middle of an important class for the exams; and there were a lot of bad things happening outside Hogwarts. The wizarding world was still in the middle of a war, a family of goblins had been killed in York, and still those four were gleeful. Couldn't they at least be a little bit serious about reality? Did they need to laugh like that? Was there any reason at all to Black's arm being around Evans' shoulders?

He shook his head, trying to distract himself from his growing stress.

‘Yes, professor?’, asked Black, his voice barely controlling his amusement. McGonagall’s lips tightened, which was never a good sign.

James felt perversely satisfied. 

‘Since your attention was so well focused on the class, Mr. Black, why don’t you show your classmates the correct spell to multiply objects?’

Black smiled, in that easy arrogant way of his, which made two girls in front of James sigh dreamily.

‘Sure, professor’, he said, standing up and pointing his wand at the book in front of him. ‘ _ Gemino _ ’.

A perfect copy of the book appeared alongside the original.

‘Now that Mr. Black has shown that it is possible for anyone to cast this spell, even if one did not pay any attention to this class, keep practising. For those who forgot, there are exams at the end of the year’, McGonagall said sternly, but James thought he could note the pride in her voice.

She never had played favourites, as far as he knew, but not even Professor McGonagall seemed immune to Black’s charm.

Around him, everyone had taken out their wand, and the room was filled with a chorus of ‘ _ Gemino _ ’. His gaze, however, stayed on that corner of the class, where Black was showing proudly the copy of his book, while Evans was examining the pages.

‘It's really great, Sirius’, James heard her praise, beaming at Black as if she was the one who had cast the spell, and not her best friend.

There was nothing unusual with that scene. As far as James knew, Evans and Black often exchanged praise and smiles whenever possible - they were never ones to care for public displays of affection.

But something was stirring inside him and James turned to the book he was supposed to duplicate with a scowl. Transfiguration was his best class, the one he always favoured and he seemed more gifted to, and he knew he could perform that spell as much as Black; he also didn't need to pay attention in class. So he took a deep breath and pointed his wand to his book, closing his eyes confidently.

‘ _ Gemino’. _

He saw a flash of light through his closed eyelids, then he heard some muffled cries. With a smile, he opened his eyes.

It was not what James had expected. The classroom was filled with copies of his book, every inch to the ceiling covered in stacks and stacks of identical books.

‘What?’, he heard McGonagall's muffled voice from somewhere. The stacks of books were crumbling as people were bumping in them. It was total chaos.

And it was his fault.

McGonagall muttered a spell and blue light flooded the room, causing some books to disappear. Now James could see her, concentrated, her eyebrows vanishing in her hair already; she had to cast the same spell again, with more energy this time, and finally, all additional books disappeared.

‘Who -’, she began, and James thought she sounded too murderous. ‘- was the student that performed this spell?’

And her eyes flashed in Black's direction, just as everyone else had. Black shrugged, undisturbed.

With a sigh, James raised his hand.

He kept his eyes fixed on McGonagall, ignoring the rest of the room. It was difficult because he knew that Evans was looking at him too, and he would give anything to be able to interpret her gaze at that moment.

‘Ten points for Gryffindor, Mr. Potter’, McGonagall declared, making him blink. He thought there was a small smile on her face.

‘No detention?’, James asked, surprised. He heard Black chuckling and thought he had sounded too boastful. ‘Seriously?’

‘I tend to be serious with my students, Mr. Potter’, she continued, her stern voice making it impossible to doubt her. ‘And I usually give points when they deserve it, but in the OWL try to make one single copy, if you may’.

And she turned around, instructing the students to continue practising. James looked around; he nodded when his gaze met Mary's - she grinned at him excitedly - and then he frowned when he realized that those same girls who had smiled at Black were looking at him, obviously impressed.

‘Nice spell, Potter’, Lucy Zhao told him. There was a suggestive tone in her voice that made his face heat; somewhere, behind him, there was a snort and James turned around automatically.

Lily Evans rolled her eyes at him, stretched on her table a little to close the distance between the two rows that separated them and smiled.

‘Wonderful, Potter!’, she declared.

He smiled back and faced the front of the class, knowing that her compliment somehow made him feel better than earning any points for Gryffindor.

* * *

The potion bubbled slowly while Evans was marking down questions on her parchment.

‘When is the best time to collect aconites?’, she asked.

‘Any moonless night’, James said without hesitation, his hand carefully stirring the potion. ‘A well-harvested aconite ensures stability to the potion’.

She smiled.

‘And with that perfect answer, you get an "Outstanding" on my quiz. It's definitely progress, Potter’. She glanced at him over her parchment, with a stern expression on her face that reminded him of Professor McGonagall. Except younger and more beautiful. ‘But don't relax in your studies. First Saturday after the holidays we will have another one of these tests to check you.

‘Yes, ma'am’, he scoffed teasingly. She rolled her eyes, more amused than anything, and approached him, looking at the potion.

‘So, if you added the right amount of silver powder, the potion at the end should be…?’

‘Red’, he murmured anxiously, though his anxiety was only partly due to the fact that the potion was still just bright orange. Her proximity brought a wave of her natural flowery scent that always threatened to intoxicate him.

Not that he would tell her that; her very nice perfume was not a recurring topic in the little conversations they had during the tutoring lessons. James had come to appreciate and wait eagerly for Saturday mornings, for those three or four hours in which he worked under Evans’ watch, while they would talk about any and everything. They had talked about their life before Hogwarts, shared memories of the different lives they had - her parents travelled a lot for work and they were always moving - and enjoyed the few things they had in common - he was amused to learn of Evans’ magics outside school - and she didn't even frown when he would mention Severus Snape in his stories.

He really enjoyed hearing her talking about the places she’d seen all over England, telling stories of misadventures she had while exploring places; and in the few times she mentioned something that had happened in Hogwarts, he’d surprised himself laughing as she recalled one of the best pranks the Marauders had done.

There was something so charming in Lily Evans that he always felt like he could hear all her stories and still wouldn’t be enough.

‘What’s your plans for Christmas?’, she asked when he finally let the potion rest and they started patching up the potion kits.

‘I’ll be at home as always, my parents are already looking forward to meeting me’, he replied distractedly, thinking about the letter his parents had sent him the day before. When he glanced at Evans, there was a shadow on her face, and he felt stupid when he remembered that she wouldn't be spending Christmas with her parents.

Before he could apologize, she continued calmly: ‘You meet your parents in King’s Cross?’

‘Yeah. Then they take me and Severus to the neighbourhood we live in. It’s close, a half-an-hour drive’.

‘I thought you said you didn’t spend the holidays in London’.

He sighed.

‘I'll only be in London for a couple of days. My parents like to spend Christmas at Godric's Hollow. They always organize a reception for family friends’.

She blinked, curious.

‘Godric's Hollow? The wizarding village?’

James grimaced.

‘Speaking like that, it looks a lot nicer than it really is. There is not much to do there. Families live apart from each other and magic is restricted because of the Muggle community. Unless you like strolling through cemeteries or going to the beach in Winter, it's rather boring’.

She grinned.

‘Well, you  _ could  _ stay at Hogwarts’, she suggested, without looking at him. ‘I promise snow wars every day’.

‘Tempting’, he replied, thinking of how the image of Lily Evans in the snow, her auburn hair contrasting with the white of the landscape, was strangely enticing. ‘Godric's Hollow is in Cornwell, it snows there only between Christmas and New Year and then it ends. It is unworthy of winter, I’ll tell you’.

‘See?’, she looked at him with a warm smile on her lips. ‘All the more reason for you to stay at Hogwarts’.

‘I can't leave my parents’, he said, shrugging. ‘They like to keep their traditions and - well - they are not young anymore’.

‘Ah’, her smile faltered. ‘Of course, sorry’.

‘And what are you going to do around here, besides snow wars?’, he asked lightly, indicating that he was not upset. She looked grateful.

‘Studying’. She laughed at the unbelievable expression on his face. ‘I need to pass my OWLs too, Potter. Not all of them like you, sure, but it will be nice to be able to review Transfiguration without McGonagall crying about the importance of the exams. Or without Sirius telling me it’s the easiest subject’.

‘Well, I wouldn’t tell you that, so if you need help or anything, just say it’. James looked at the boiling potion. ‘I owe you one’.

‘Don't be daft, Potter. With these sessions, I'm not doing a favour to you, but to the world. No one needs another melted cauldron’.

He grinned.

‘Anyway, your holiday plan is more interesting than mine. I swear, the youngest person that usually comes to my parent’s events must be at least forty years older than me’.

‘Your friend doesn’t go with you?’

‘Severus? No, it’s -’, he hesitated, not wishing to say it was complicated with his family. ‘He stays home’, he finished lamely.

Evans raised her eyebrows, seeming to know there was something amiss, but after a second her expression suddenly became mischievous.

‘Sirius won’t be here. You can always invite the Black. I bet they would love to go to one of the Potter parties’.

James held back the urge to roll his eyes; considering Evans had mentioned Severus without flinching, he thought he should be polite as well.

‘My parents probably invite but I’ve never seen them come before. I guess they are invited to too many parties’. James frowned when he remembered a family fact. ‘Even though they should come, my dad is like a cousin once removed or something like that -’

She blinked.

‘So you are related to Sirius?’

That was a strange thought, but James nodded in agreement. Evans laughed, amused.

‘That's great, Potter. Does he know that? Sirius never said  _ anything _ ’.

‘It’s not a big deal, every pureblood family is kind of related to each other… I don't think Black would care anyway’.

The amusement was gone from her eyes.

‘No, he wouldn’t’, she said, blushing when their eyes met. ‘Not because of you or your family, it's just that Sirius doesn’t care at all for blood and even less to his family ties’. 

James bit his lips, strangely embarrassed; he never felt at ease talking about family with Severus, who was his best friend, and he felt even weirder thinking about the complications of the Black family.

‘He - he doesn't get along with his family?’, he asked, unsure. Evans hesitated briefly before nodding.

‘Well, this is no secret, I imagine. Sirius hardly talks to Regulus, and he is his own brother, so -’

‘Regulus is that Fourth Year boy? He's nice’. When Evans frowned at him, he shrugged. ‘I’ve talked with him before, mostly about Quidditch League or school stuff. He looked cool’.

There was a sad kindness in her eyes.

‘Always looking for the good side in people’, she sighed. ‘Do you remember that day in Hogsmeade? When was I talking about this new Dark Lord?’

He nodded.

‘All those dates that I knew came from a folder of newspaper clippings. Sirius found it in Regulus' room. He's a  _ fan _ of You-know-who’.

James shuddered.

‘You can't be sure’, he argued tentatively. ‘Maybe Regulus just wanted to gather information, it doesn’t mean -’

‘Potter’, she cut him off, more serious than he had ever seen her. ‘You  _ know _ there is a war starting outside. War means choosing sides, declaring your support. Many pureblooded families agree with that crazy killer’. She blinked, and her voice became more vehement. ‘Why do you think I would never be invited to the Black’s house? They think people like me are filthy scum. But they are too old and too weak to do more than support with words. That's where young brainwashed devotees like Regulus come in. They are immature and believers, it is easy for any Dark Lord to manipulate them and even then, it wouldn’t need much persuasion. They've already grown up hearing that Muggle-borns are worthless. Who would care if they are gone?’

Her eyes were on fire again, but somehow, James could see the fear in them too. If that Dark Lord won the war - if people like her were being targeted… 

‘You have to be careful’, added Evans suddenly, and James felt confused because that was what he was thinking about her. ‘It's nothing personal, not this time at least... Just don't trust the Slytherins too much’.

‘You mean Severus’, he replied, uncomfortable. ‘He is my friend. I would trust him with my life’.

She hesitated slightly.

‘What if he joined You-Know-Who? I am not saying as a fact, I mean - I’m - I’m not accusing him of anything, it’s just -  _ what if...’ _

Her voice died. James looked away.

‘Just because Severus is a Slytherin doesn't mean he's  _ evil. _ We have been friends since before we came to Hogwarts and that didn’t change when we got into different Houses. It won’t change, because I know him. But if he joined Voldemort, if he became one of those Death Eaters, he wouldn't…’

James stopped, unsure of how to continue. He could not even think about it, because if that would ever happen - if Snape joined the Dark Lord -, then he would feel he had never known him at all. 

‘Severus would never do that. It is not who he is’.

‘I hope not’, murmured Evans, sounding sincere. ‘I admire your loyalty, Potter. It seems that it offends your honour to mistrust a friend’.

‘Well, that and my pride too. I don't like to think that I was so wrong in my judgement’.

‘Judging people now, Potter, have you?’, she asked, teasing. He felt strangely embarrassed, but he nodded. ‘So tell me - Sirius. What do you think of him?’

James scowled

‘Insufferable with an assured opinion he is the best’.

‘Well, he is a bit of both’, she agreed fondly. ‘Remus?’

‘He is the kindest person I know, especially considering... his condition. I don’t think I could handle it, but he is so good and friendly and compassionate’.

‘Remus fights bravely’, she sighed. ‘Pete?’

‘Pettigrew? I never thought… I mean, sometimes I think he looks like he is overthinking everything, like if he could be a very good chess player that you never understand the game but he wins anyway’.

She blinked.

‘Really? Peter always gave me the impression of being...  _ fragile _ . Even more than Remus’. There was a pause. ‘Mary?’

‘She's nice’, said James, feeling unsure for the first time undecided. ‘Funny, lively, a little silly at times, but in a good way’.

‘You like her’, replied Evans, her voice lacking any emotion as far he could tell. James never understood how, sometimes, she could not show any feeling.

‘Yes, but…’

‘“But”, she repeated in a low voice. ‘And there is the problem’.

They were silent for a few minutes. Unlike other moments, James thought this silence was heavy. Then, when he thought he should say something, anything, Evans took a deep breath.

‘And what is your opinion about me?’

James turned to her. There was a soft smile on her lips, and her eyes sparkled, which made them even more entrancing. The wind from the open window was making her hair dance around her face, sending a wave of her perfume in his direction. He wondered if the flower she smelled of was lilies, and the irony made him smile.

‘I'm still finding out’, he said. She just blinked, encouraging him to continue. ‘You are not as bad as I thought once. I always saw a Lily Evans that was popular, Sirius Black's friend, adored by everyone and who may think she owns the place sometimes, but… Here I am with someone who doesn't mind losing hours of sleep on Saturday mornings to teach this idiot here who can't make a decent potion. Someone who is patient even when the aforementioned idiot makes a mistake, someone who was brave enough to face a werewolf just to save one innocent person. Someone who talks to me like a real friend. Someone who has this really beautiful heart’.

Her face was still, her eyes never leaving his face. James returned the gesture; it was easy and pleasant to immerse himself in the features of Lily Evans' face, especially on those Saturday mornings, when the time, somehow, was just for them.

So, without feeling guilty, he admired her, from those light purple circles under her eyes, that always made him wonder what had made her sleep late, to the shade of pink on her lips that he found even more striking than the red he’d seen her wear before to a party. Her pale face was flushed as always as if she had attracted the little warmth there was in the room. And there was the green in her eyes, the one that reminded him strangely of the sea and it was his favourite shade of colour.

The thing was he thought Lily Evans could strive to be stunning - and he had seen her like that before - but when they were there alone on Saturday mornings, he could appreciate her natural beauty.

‘I didn't know you thought that of me’." she whispered. ‘So I do have a heart? Am I not a soulless monster?’

James smiled. Her voice sounded nonchalant, but he could tell she was curious.

‘I like your soul too, Evans’, he promised softly. His heart was beating faster than usual. ‘And what’s your opinion about me?’

‘I don't think I understand you most of the time’, she replied immediately. ‘And I've been trying to understand you for a while now, James Potter. You are quite a mystery for someone who wears their emotion so much on their sleeve. Sometimes I wonder -’, she shuddered, interrupting herself. ‘I care about you’.

Her words flowed around him like a light welcomed breeze.

And without thinking about what he was doing, he raised his hand, touching her face and letting his finger slide down to put a lock of her red hair behind her ear.

She blushed, and James didn’t know if he was imagining or if he was really feeling the heat emanating from her face.

_I care about you_ _too._ It was all he needed to say.

But he opened and closed his mouth, quietly. It should be simple, but for some reason, his tongue seemed glued in his mouth. 

‘Congratulations’, she murmured suddenly, taking a step away from him and, confused, he let his hand fall. ‘The potion’, she added. ‘It’s red, you did it right after all’.

He blinked, still feeling dazed as if he didn't know where he was or what he was doing. His eyes fell to the potion and some coherence came back to him.

_ ‘ _ Thank you’, he said, his voice sounding strange to his own ears. ‘Ah - for helping me. Not just today, but, you know, all those tutoring sessions’.

‘No problem at all’. She grabbed her things. ‘I have to go’.

‘Sure’, he said distractedly. He just had to say he cared about her too. It shouldn’t be so difficult...  _ ‘ _ See you on Saturday after the holiday?’

‘Yes’, said Evans, without looking at him. ‘Well, if we don't talk anymore, Merry Christmas’.

‘Merry Christmas, Evans’.

As she opened the door, she stopped and turned to him. He still couldn’t read any emotion on her face, but, for the first time, he thought it was maybe because she didn't know what she should be feeling at the moment.

As if Lily Evans was confused.

_ I care about you too,  _ he thought, willing the words to leave his mouth.

‘Lily’, she said at last. ‘I think it’s about time we call each other by our names, James’. 

And then she was gone before he could answer.

* * *

It was the last night of the semester before the holidays and James could be doing whatever he wanted, but he took refuge in the library with a few other unhappy students, his quill moving swiftly over the parchment while he wrote the Transfiguration paper that he was supposed to work during Christmas holidays.

The weirdest part was that he knew he was going to regret it: Transfiguration essays were his favourites to do, which meant that he would be left with the least interesting essays to do during the break - History of Magic and Potions.

Not that he was struggling in Potions lately -

He shook his head, determined to keep his thoughts from going in that direction.

It was late when he finally ended my essay and put down his quill. He looked around; he was in a more secluded corner of the library, achieving his goal of getting away from everyone - he wasn't in a very social mood at the moment.

In fact, his humour had totally changed since the morning, when he’d had his tutoring session with Lily Evans.

Remembering her made his chest tighten once more and he stood up, taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the feeling. He put his things away and was about to return the books to their shelves when he bumped into someone, dropping all of their books on the floor.

‘James! I'm sorry!’

He turned around. Remus Lupin was smiling apologetically at him as if he were guilty of James’ distraction.

‘My fault, Remus’, replied James easily, bending down to help him pick up the books. They were all related to Defense Against the Dark Arts. ‘Studying on the eve of the holidays?’

‘Look who's talking’, teased Remus, accepting his help to stash the books. He hesitated just a second before explaining: ‘Actually, I’m in a study group that meets Saturday afternoons’.

‘A Defense group?’, James asked, surprised. ‘I didn't know there was one at Hogwarts’.

‘It's not formal or anything’, he replied, blushing. ‘I just know some people who have some problems with Defense so we study together’.

‘But you have no problem’, James noted, raising his eyebrows. The blush on Remus’ face deepened. ‘Are you teaching, Remus?’

‘I wouldn’t call it like that’, he replied quickly. ‘It's just an assistance in some points, but…’, his green eyes suddenly flashed. ‘It's  _ so good to _ see the progress, James. There's this Fourth Year girl, Anna MacMillan, who didn't know  _ anything  _ about dark creatures because when she should have studied it was during the year we had that crazy professor, remember? And now she already knows everything about  _ any _ creature, you can ask -’

‘Got it, Professor Lupin’, James teased, amused by his enthusiasm, as they left the library.

Remus looked away.

‘It's just a little help, I couldn't really be a professor’.

James frowned, not understanding why Remus sounded unhappy suddenly.

‘Yes, you could’.

‘I don't think parents would accept a professor  _ like me _ teaching their children, James’, explained Remus calmly.

It took James a second to understand and then he felt repulsed at once: by the situation, by the unfair prejudice against Remus, and even by how hollow Remus sounded as if he should only accept it.

‘So they're stupid. If I ever have a child, I would be happy if they could have a professor exactly  _ like you _ ’.

‘I would be -’

‘A professor who cares for his students’, James said firmly. 

Remus smiled in response, although his smile seemed more in gratitude than in belief of James’ words.

‘You are always too kind to me, James’.

‘I just don't think it's fair you are treated differently’.

‘You remind me of Lily talking like that’, he noted, and his comment made James jump and miss a step. Fortunately, Remus didn't seem to notice. ‘And what were you doing at the library? When I left the Common Room, Sirius had already shown up with butterbeer for the end-of-semester party’.

It was James' turn to look straight ahead.

‘It was too full’, he answered vaguely. Remus frowned.

‘It's everything alright? I mean, did Sirius - he _promised_ he wouldn't bother you anymore’.

‘Black didn't do anything’, James said quickly, and then he wondered if that was a lie.

It didn’t certainly feel like it was true.

Something in his expression inhibited Remus from saying anything else, and they didn't speak until they reached the Gryffindor Common Room. James hesitated before entering, although he knew that at some point he would have to go back there, and then he would see Lily again.

And Black.

Even though he knew what kind of scene he should expect, it was like an invisible hand squeezed his throat when he entered the Common Room and saw the scene that was very close to the last thing he had seen before leaving the room hours ago.

Lily was laughing, freely and happily. And James knew who was the cause of her happiness. Right beside her, sitting very close on a couch that was supposed to hold three or four people, Sirius Black was brightly telling her a story.

And just as it had happened those hours ago, James’ mind conjured up the alternative version of that scene. The one in which he was sitting next to Lily, not Black, and she was laughing at something he had said, her body next to his. They would be so close that he would be able to smell her perfume, and when she stopped laughing and turned in his direction, her face would be close to his that he could easily - 

He shook his head, refusing to let the scene unfold entirely in his head.

A few steps ahead, Remus had turned to say something to him, but he stopped when he saw his face; his eyes followed the direction of James’ gaze and then he just sighed, with an expression of concern and surprise on his face.

‘Ah, James... Come on’.

Unconsciously, James followed Remus to the Boys Dormitory. The room was empty when they entered. Remus sat on the edge of Pettigrew’s bed, next to James’, and stared at him for a few seconds, looking thoughtful.

‘Remus?’, called James. 

Remes blinked.

‘We were talking about helping classes and I forgot to ask... How are your sessions with Lily?’

James looked away.

‘Good. I mean, she corrects my mistakes, I don't melt any cauldron. My grades are really better. All good’.

‘Lily always comes back happy’, he noted. ‘I think she likes spending time teaching you’.

Something flew in his chest, satisfied with that comment. He fought the urge to smile.

_ I care about you,  _ she had said _. _

‘She is a very good teacher’, James said, as rationally as he could manage. ‘You two have that in common’.

Remus ignored his comment.

‘You seem to enjoy these classes’.

‘Of course I do. I  _ need _ them’.

‘Is that the only reason?’, pressed Remus. There was more concern in his eyes now.

And maybe a touch of pity.

‘What else could it be?’

He gave James a look that made him feel like he was scolded by a teacher - as if James knew the answer and just didn't want to give it.

‘You tell me, James’, he said quietly. ‘I'm just thinking that this help with Potions, this extra time with Lily, may not be doing you good. I think you're mixing more things than ingredients in the potions’.

‘I am not -’

‘No?’ 

James wanted to answer that there was no sense in what Remus was saying.

But the memory of touching Lily's face came back to him and he smiled warmly until he remembered why the Common Room had been so uncomfortable that afternoon. It was just after the end-of-semester party had begun when he had seen Black and Evans sitting together in that bubble of happiness that was so theirs. They were sitting close, with a book opened on her lap that they seemed to be talking about. Her auburn hair had fallen like a veil between them, blocking the vision of the book for Black, and then, in a gesture that looked like he had done it a thousand of times before, Black laughed and brushed her hair out of her face, putting it behind her ear.

It was like the same movement James had made hours before. He could still remember the feeling of the thin strands of her hair, the softness of her face - and, most of all, how  _ natural  _ it had been to touch her.

A feeling that Black apparently shared.

And then staying in the Common Room had become impossible after that.

‘Ah, James’, Remus sighed, watching him carefully. ‘I’ve seen that look before. And listen to me: it’s better if you stop it’.

‘Stop? You mean the tutoring? I thought there was no problem - even  _ Black _ doesn't seem to mind -’

‘Sirius doesn't’, Remus assured him distractedly. ‘Calls it an act of goodwill, really, but he is just kidding’. 

_ Goodwill? _

‘But, what I mean is - well -  _ you and Lily _ . I don't think it would be a good idea, even if you and Sirius got along, and you  _ barely stand each other’.  _ He sighed again, unsure. ‘I may be intruding too much, I know we are not so close -’

‘Hey’, interrupted James immediately. ‘We are friends. Not like you and…’

He pointed to the other beds.

‘It's not a competition, you know’, replied Remus fondly. ‘But what I mean is that if you prefer to talk to someone else, maybe even Severus -’

‘I don't want to talk to him’, James said, widening his eyes at the thought of talking about Lily Evans with Snape.

This made Remus frown for a moment, but he nodded.

‘No, of course not, he is a Slytherin, he wouldn’t approve... What I mean is that I care for you and I don't want you to get hurt. And - that’s it - people who have feelings for Lily tend to get hurt eventually. It’s complicated’.

_ Feelings _ .

James couldn't deny that Evans caused him feelings - first annoyance, then it was like she always surprised him, and then there was that warmth he’d feel when she was near, that he hadn’t defined yet.

And he wondered if he should define it. Whatever it was, Evans was not at his side. He wasn’t the person who was sharing a stupid story with her, that could stroke her hair gently anytime, who had made her laugh easily.

They barely knew each other - they’d first talked to each other just two months ago. Maybe he did find her beautiful and maybe he admired the fact that she cared about minimal things. Maybe he enjoyed hearing her telling him about her magic and maybe they were no longer strangers, maybe even friends - except he would never be to her what Black was.

In the end, he was nothing to Lily Evans.

Except, perhaps, an act of goodwill.

How could he have feelings for her then?

He suddenly wished he could just take his broom and fly away.

‘I'm really sorry’, Remus added, and if it were someone else, James could doubt his sincerity. ‘If things were different, I think you would be good for each other. It's just…’

Remus looked at Sirius Black's empty bed and said nothing.

‘I get it, Remus’, James whispered, feeling a lump on his throat.

The door opened and he jumped. Pedro Pettigrew came in, looking at them curiously, but he said nothing. James waited for him to disappear into the bathroom before turning to Remus.

‘Ah, about this…’, he began, unsure of how to ask Remus to lie to his best friends, but Remus smiled calmly.

‘I won't say anything, James’, he assured him. ‘And whenever you want to talk or just let off steam... I'm here’.

‘Thanks, Remus’.

* * *

The platform train at Hogsmeade was slowly emptying. James stood on tiptoe, in search of Snape in the path that led to school - the train left in five minutes, and he still hadn't shown up.

‘Looking for me?’

He turned around; Mary was smiling at him, her suitcase beside her.

‘How did you guess?’, he asked playfully. ‘Aren't you going to board the train?’

She raised her hand, showing a letter crumpled there.

‘Just got a letter from my parents warning that they will not be able to reach London because of the snowstorm in Wales. I think I'll stay here at Hogwarts after all’.

‘You can stay with me’, offered James helpfully.

She laughed, her face pinkening.

‘We had  _ one _ date and you want me to go to your house?’, she teased, amused. ‘Very forward to you’.

‘You know I didn't mean like that’, he said, his face suddenly hot despite the cold.

‘Of course not. You are too noble for that’ .

‘I'll take that as a compliment’, he joked, rolling his eyes.

‘It was’, she told him. There was a brief pause, in which her face flushed even more as she looked expectantly at him. ‘So, I thought - I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. In-person, I mean’.

‘Merry Christmas’, he smiled. ‘Have fun here. At least you will have a nice company’.

Her smile faltered.

‘Yeah, I saw that Lily Evans is staying, too’. Her eyes were analyzing him. ‘I'll go back to the castle, then. See you next semester’.

James glanced at her, not understanding why she seemed so down suddenly. He searched for something that would make her smile or maybe even flirt with him again, but his attention wandered. Now that people were boarding the train, he could see Lily Evans laughing about ten feet from them, while Black spun her around in the air.

‘Sirius!’, she cried, her voice without any censure. ‘Fine, I’ll miss you, now can you let me down?’

He set her down on the ground, and Evans wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Her head was resting on his shoulder, and Black was once again stroking her hair. James had never seen anything so... close.

‘I'm going to miss you too. Be careful’, Black said, his voice low and solemn, deeper than James had ever heard him say anything. He opened his eyes and for a split second his gaze met James’ before James looked away.

And then envy as he had never felt before flooded him. He wanted to feel Lily's hands, uncovered despite the cold, around his neck, wanted to feel her embrace. He wanted her to come to him when she needed support, he wanted to be able to touch her face without any complication. He wanted her to say that she would miss him; he wanted her undisputed attention. He wanted to be near her, kissing her forehead tenderly, just as Black did.

For the first time in his life, he wanted to be Sirius Black.

Because with James Potter,  _ that _ would never work. James Potter should forget Lily Evans.

James Potter also desperately wanted to know how to do this, because it was becoming increasingly clear to him exactly what feelings he had for her.

‘See you around, then’, he heard Mary saying and he looked back at her. She had a small smile on her lips and he forced himself to really pay attention to her.

Mary was pretty, one of the most attractive girls of the Fifth Year, with her blond hair and grey eyes. James once wished that things could work out between them, and he wanted it now; but he didn't know what he should do so that her face was everything that appeared in his mind when he closed his eyes. And no matter how much he stared or he wished, he couldn’t really see her - he couldn't tell what her eyes reminded him of, or what was her perfume, or what her dreams were.

And then he did something without really thinking. James took a step closer, bending down his head and touching her lips with his as she had once allowed him to do. After a second of surprise, she kissed him back fully, but as pleasant as it was, nothing changed.

She was just his friend; he could never like her in a different way.

Not while someone else dominated his thoughts.

He broke apart, trying to regain some coherence. Mary was looking at him with the look of someone who understood the situation well, even more than he could.

‘See you, James’, she said finally, standing up to press a soft kiss on his cheek, in farewell.

* * *

James was looking out the window, not really seeing the landscape and trying exhaustively to think of anything else than Lily Evans, when Severus hurried into his cabin, closing the compartment door hurriedly. Looking at him caused a sudden wave of guilt in James, as if he shouldn't think about Lily when he was around.

That didn't make sense, of course.

Mixed and confused feelings for Evans was not exclusive to Snape.

‘Where were you?’, James asked, his harsher than usual. Severus didn't seem to notice; he was out of breath.

‘I nearly lost it - Mulciber wouldn't let me go -’, he took a deep breath, sitting and pressing his chest. ‘He kept asking me about that spell over and over -’

That distracted James.

‘Did you invent another spell?’, he asked curiously. Severus blinked at him, suddenly cautious. He raised, arranging his case in the trunk without looking at James. ‘Better than  _ Muffliato _ or  _ Levicorpus _ ?’

‘It's not finished yet’, replied Severus vaguely. ‘I'll let you know when I'm done’.

‘Sure’, said James, his mood better. Anything that distracted his thoughts was welcome. ‘I don't want it to happen like when you were inventing  _ Muffliato _ ’ _. _

‘That was an  _ accident _ ’, he said, blushing slightly as he sat down.

‘I was deaf for a week’, James recalled.

‘Too bad you weren’t silent too’, he joked, and they shared a smile.

For a moment they were silent. Severus looked outside the window and, in his reflection, James could see that there was a new expression of caution on his face.

‘Was that Mary McDonald with you just now?’

‘Yeah’.

‘So what’s going on between you two? Are you dating after all?’

James thought his tone was too inquisitorial - or maybe it was just because they were approaching a topic he didn’t want to discuss.

The memory of kissing Mary was already fading from his mind, and he couldn't help feeling guilty about it. He liked her, it was just...

‘We are just friends’.

‘Really? She seems to really fancy you. Unless - there is someone else?’

Lily Evans's face appeared in his head and James blinked, refusing to let his thoughts go in that direction.

‘Who would there be?’, he asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as he could. ‘Mary and I just happen to work better as friends... And do you care?’

‘I don’t’, Severus replied quickly.

‘Maybe not you’, James said slowly. ‘But you just mentioned Mulciber and Mary told that she catches him looking at her sometimes and - I thought he might be interested in her’.

This made Severus sneer.

‘No need to be jealous, James. I mean, your girl friend is good-looking, I guess, but Mulciber would  _ never _ go near her’. When James raised his eyebrows in doubt, Severus looked at him patronizingly. ‘She is Mud -  _ Muggle-born, _ James’.

It took James a second to understand the meaning, and when he finally did, he grimaced. Severus raised his hands in a gesture of peace.

‘I don’t make the rules’, he said indifferently. ‘I just thought this should reassure you, Mulciber won't go out trying to steal your girlfriend. Sorry, not girlfriend’, he added mockingly. ‘But, you know, maybe having a girlfriend would do you some good. Especially one that doesn’t care about your sudden popularity or who sets you up -’

‘I'm not popular’, James disputed, frowning. He didn't want to go back to that story, not when he and Lily had moved past it. And besides...

_ I care about you. _

He breathed slowly, willing himself to leave any imaginary world. 

Severus gave him a disbelieving look.

‘You are the new Quidditch star at this school. That automatically makes you  _ popular _ . Just wait, the next thing you know, Slughorn will invite you to his parties’.

‘One more reason I don’t want to be popular’, James said, teasingly.

‘I don't know’, commented Severus, seeming to speak to himself. ‘Maybe if I were popular, Eva -  _ people  _ would appreciate me more, maybe even…’ He shook his head, dejected. ‘Only there is no way! I can't play Quidditch, I'm a forgotten talent in Potions and the only thing I like…’, there was a sudden gleam in his eyes. ‘Maybe... maybe when I am  _ powerful, _ maybe then she would -’

‘Sev? What are you talking about?’

Snape blinked, looking at James as if only then he remembered they were in the same cabin.

‘Nothing’. He paused. ‘So your parents will be there?’

‘Yeah. And then we drive home. Are you sure you don't want to go to Godric's Hollow this year?’

‘You know I have to spend it with my mother’, he said, his mood suddenly gone. ‘It will be the same as always: my father will drink and grumble in a corner while my mother pretends everything is fine. A perfect Snape Christmas’.

‘Ah’. James didn't know what to say. ‘I’ll be back on Boxing Day, so you can go home later if you want’.

‘It will be good’, he nodded, smiling a little. ‘For New Year’s we can continue our study of your parents' liquor cabinet?’

‘I wouldn’t miss it, it's practically a tradition’, agreed James, laughing. ‘But with moderation for you. I don't want to spend all night taking care of you again.

‘Yes,  _ mother’ _ , he said, his face reddening. ‘That was a miscalculation. I had  _ never _ drunk before’.

‘Yeah, I guessed so. Well, at least now I will know how to make a Detox Potion if we needed it’.

Severus blinked.

‘ _ You  _ know how to do it?’, he repeated, surprised.

James nodded distractedly, as the trolley witch passed by. He bought a dozen chocolate frogs before sitting down again.

‘Want one?’

Snape ignored his question.

‘So - are you still having those classes with Evans?’

‘Yes’, he said, uncomfortable, his hunger suddenly gone.

‘I thought you were angry with her’.

James couldn't quite interpret the tone of his voice.

‘Not any more’.

‘I thought you would not forgive her for setting you up. I thought you found her selfish and scheming’.

‘I did, but I moved on. What's the problem? It is not like you think these things of her’.

‘But she didn't do anything to me, did she?’

‘Look, I just want to leave it all behind. It was a mistake and Lily already -’

‘" _ Lily _ "? Calling each other on first-name basis already? What are you now, friends?’

He looked angry and, in some way, cowed too. Still, James hesitated - he didn't want to tell Severus that he and Lily Evans really had conversations, something Severus only dreamed of. He wasn't going to tell him that she trusted James to the point of confiding stories of her life to him - not when she didn't even look at him. He wasn't going to tell him that Lily had admitted that she cared for him. Nor would he tell him, above all, that something flew in his stomach when he thought of her, or that he had been jealous of Sirius Black - just as Severus had always been - just because of his presence in her life.

He wasn't going to tell him any of that. Not when he should forget about her. Not with Sirius Black always beside her.

He was much more pragmatic than Severus Snape.

‘I'm just an act of goodwill to her’, he said so calmly that he almost believed in himself. ‘Simple as that’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Christmas at Godric's Hollow brings one unexpected gift and one even more unexpected conversation for James.


	8. The Golden Snitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!
> 
> This chapter is for Katie, who encouraged me to get back!

" _He put his hand in his pocket and took out a struggling Golden Snitch._

_‘Where’d you get that?’_

_‘Nicked it’"._ \- HP and the Order of the Phoenix.

* * *

‘You've been quiet lately’.

His mother's voice was one of James favourites in the world; she was always calm, always speaking in a conciliatory tone as if looking for the good side of every situation. His father said that James had inherited that aspect of her. He joked that they both naturally optimistic.

‘I'm just concentrating on the game’, he answered, smiling at her and meeting a pair of eyes identical to his. ‘Trying to beat Dad for once’.

In front of him, his father chuckled - until his laughter ended in a fit of coughing. James looked at him, concerned.

‘You can beat me at Quidditch, James, not at chess’, his father commented quietly. When James kept frowning, he waved his hand absently. ‘It’s nothing. Just the flu. You know how I get in the winter’.

‘Are you taking your potions?’, insisted James. Beside him, his mother ran her hand through his hair affectionately.

‘Of course Monty is taking care’, she assured him. James’ shoulders relaxed with the security in her voice. ‘Layla makes him take the potions daily’.

‘That when she doesn't wake me up in the middle of the night’, his father muttered under his breath, just as Layla appeared in the air, bringing them hot tea.

Layla was the elf of the Potter family for a long time - James knew she had taken care of his father when he was his age, which should have been at least 50 years ago. Even with his white hair and wrinkles on his face, not to mention the most of the time flawed vision, Fleamont Potter never gave him the idea of an old man - he was the one who taught James how to fly, who told him stories of King Arthur and his knights, insisting that everyone had been from Gryffindor; but Layla was totally her age - she was very fragile, her skin almost translucent.

‘Tea, Master Potter?’, she asked James. He nodded.

‘Thank you, Master Layla’, he replied, which made her whole body turn red.

‘Master shouldn't call me “Master”’, she said, her tone politely reproachful.

‘Only when you call me James’, he stated, watching her she shake her head, desolate, and disappear into the air.

He grinned to himself, more animated than before, and tried to really concentrate on the chess game. He was really bad at it, no matter how much he practised or how much his father tried to get him past the basic level.

That was one of the funny things James liked about himself: he was a combination of both his parents. From his mother, he had inherited this failure in chess, the belief in the good side of everything and his prided loyalty. From his father came the passion for Quidditch, the Gryffindor spirit and appearance - except for his eyes, of course. As all of his parents' friends would comment about, James had his mother’s hazel eyes. 

He looked at her while she drank her tea; just like his father, he also couldn't think of Euphemia Potter as an old person - she was always agitated, always organizing something, so full of spirit and disposition. James used to joke that that was why her hair had not gone as white as his father's - his mother still had that reddish-blond hair that had charmed Fleamont Potter half a century ago.

His father had always warned him that Potters belonged in Gryffindor and with a redhead.

This was kind of ironic - 

'What is it, James?', Euphemia asked, rising from her rocking chair.

'Nothing', replied James hurriedly, avoiding her eyes. His mother always gave the impression she could see more things than it was reasonable.

And he was being honest. It wasn't like he was thinking about another redhead on the other side of country.

Mostly.

'Missing Severus?', she tried. James noticed his father frowning. 'We could have invited -'

'I did. He had to stay with his mother'.

'He's a nice boy', his mother said, and James nodded, distracted. 

He felt bad for thinking about it, but he was relieved for those days apart. There was something different about Severus since he had played Quidditch as if he didn't know how to act around James anymore. And Severus had spent the last half hour of the journey mentioning that James should go out with Mary McDonald - as if he _supported_ Mary, which he very much doubted.

And Severus brought him memories of Lily Evans, even though he hadn't said anything about her during the journey, almost as if he wanted to avoid the subject. It was unusual for him to go so long without mentioning Evans, but it was also not a topic James wanted to start.

Lately, Severus' worship of Lily Evans bothered James even more than usual. He didn't know her, not really.

Severus Snape liked his idea of Lily Evans, but he didn't know how she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was nervous, or how she loved Potions because it made sense for her, or how her face was empty of expression when she was confused, or how she exploded first before actually thinking about it.

But somehow, James was just like Severus in one aspect: they both had the same chance of having anything with Evans.

_Zero._

'You look different', his mother interrupted him thoughtfully. 'Almost... sad'.

His father straightened up in his chair, exchanging a look with his mother. Ever since James knew himself, his parents had always done everything they could so he would not be sad.

'Son', he began, and James knew he meant business, 'did something happen?'

‘No’, said James hurriedly, making a move on the chessboard. As soon as he withdrew his hand, he saw he had just handed the queen over to the black horse. His dad didn't seem to notice.

James looked away, avoiding his parents, and looked down the long path that stretched ahead. Godric's Hollow was covered in snow on that cold night. They were in the South of England, in a place where the winter should have been milder, but it didn't matter - the legend said that a thousand years ago, Godric Gryffindor, longing for the snow at Hogwarts, had bewitched the village: every year, for the last twelve days of the year, the temperature dropped dramatically and it started to snow. Within hours, the village was covered in white. The Muggles did not know how to explain the strange phenomenon - mainly because on the beach, a few miles away, the snow did not fall.

 _The beach_ \- James hadn't been there in a while, but now he felt a sudden urge to walk on the white sand and stare at the ocean. The _green_ sea, with that unique and fascinating color, that reminded him of - _no,_ that was essentially the _same_ hue as -

‘Darling’, his father murmured, in a quiet voice, ‘why don't you get yourself another scarf? It's cold out here’.

When James turned to them, he saw that they were looking at each other like _that_ \- as if they could read each other's thoughts.

James didn’t think about love very often, but he imagined it must involve a lot of looks like that.

‘Sure, Monty’, his mother replied, smiling almost nostalgically as she looked at James. He remembered that time when she had first realized that he could fly alone, without needing anyone's help, or when he first went to Hogwarts.

It was the look she had when she thought James had grown up too fast.

His dad waited until she was away before talking to James again, without looking at him directly.

‘How has been the year so far?’

James shrugged.

‘Okay’, he murmured, unable to say it had been a normal year. The truth was that the last few months have gone a long way from his expectations.

He didn't know if that was good or bad.

‘Is there anything you want to tell me?’, his father asked. James looked at him, not understanding. ‘Minnie sent us a letter a few weeks ago…’

‘Did I do something wrong?’, James interrupted him, shocked. His parents had _never_ received any complaints or comments about him; he had never complained about anything for any professor or done anything outside the rules - except, of course, walking the halls at night, but still, the chances of him being discovered were below zero, thanks to his father's gift.

‘No, no’, his father calmed him. ‘There were actually compliments… Why didn't you tell us you played for Gryffindor?’

His face heated up.

‘It was just a match. Nothing more. They just needed a replacement, and there I was'.

‘Minerva said that you caught the Golden Snitch in less than fifteen minutes, after flying perfectly. Everyone was speechless’.

‘She was just exaggerating’.

‘We are talking about Minerva, James. She is _rarely_ impressed’, he laughed, looking at James and waiting for him to say something, but James kept silent. ‘I had a very exciting youth, you know. From what I've heard, you're also having one’.

‘Not so much’.

‘And your little adventure in the Whomping Willow?’, his father asked. James blushed. ‘That was not included in your letters. Your mother -’

‘Don't tell me you told her!’, James cried. He knew Euphemia Potter well enough to know that she would spend sleepless nights seeing visions of him being crushed to death by the Whomping Willow. His mother had a tendency to exaggerate things.

His father would say that James was also like that, which he strongly disagreed with.

‘Of course not’, Fleamon said, seeming equally appalled by the idea. ‘She would have gone after you at Hogwarts if she knew that; but my point here is - you have been taking risks lately’.

James shook his head.

‘Not really’, he insisted, feeling he wasn’t being entirely truthful. He didn't want to confess that feeling the adrenaline rushing through his veins had been wonderful and addictive; it would worry his father. ‘Look, the Willow was not about the risk, but about saving Severus, he was in danger…’, he stopped when he noticed his father's grimace at the mention of Snape. James sighed. ‘Dad... I know you don't like him, but you're wrong about Sev. He is a good person’.

James was getting tired of that speech. Why no one else was willing to give Severus Snape a chance?

‘He fancies the Dark Arts’, his father said, unsmiling. ‘And he is a Slytherin’.

‘It’s just a _house_. Would I be excluded if I were a Slytherin?’, James countered.

His father smiled, suddenly smug.

‘A Potter would never be in Slytherin. I bet anything the Sorting Hat took only a second to cry Gryffindor’.

James smiled too, sharing his pride. He might not care about Severus' House, but he would never deny that he loved being a Gryffindor. He had grown up listening to his father telling stories about lions and the importance of courage and honour.

And besides, his father was right: the Sorting Hat had never hesitated to put him in Gryffindor.

‘I don't trust Snape’, his father declared, once more serious. ‘There is something about him that I never liked, but if you want to be friends with him... You know I would never forbid you. You may end up influencing your _friend_ so that he will follow a good path after all. There must be something about him that justifies your friendship’.

‘Even though I am the only one to see that’, said James, slightly annoyed.

‘It would be nice if you talked about your other friends. Snape is not the only person at Hogwarts’. 

James looked away carefully at the falling snow. Just as he had never complained to a professor about the times Black _accidentally_ dropped his ink bottle on his papers, he had also never discussed the matter with his parents. ‘How is cousin Sirius?’

‘Sirius Black isn’t really our cousin, Dad’, James said, rolling his eyes. ‘He's doing well. Still a Quidditch star. I think he scored all goals in the last match. Still has a bunch of admirers -’

‘Ah, _admirers_. I miss them!’, his father made a dreamy face, until his eyes met James’. ‘Of course I only ever had eyes for your mother… How are your fans?’

‘I don’t have’.

‘From what Minerva told me in her letter, you are the new Quidditch sensation. She assured me she would be disappointed if you weren't part of the team, so - there are always fans. Unless…’, Fleamont let out a funny laugh. ‘I can't believe Euphemia was right’.

‘When isn't she?’, James asked, teasing. ‘What about this time?’

‘That would explain why you are so blind to everything else…’ His father lost himself briefly in his thoughts. ‘What's her name?’

‘Of my fans?’

‘No, son. The name of the girl who is preventing you from seeing others. The one that's making you sigh all over the place ever since you came back’.

_Lily. It’s about time we call each other by our names._

‘There is no one’. His father looked at him, incredulous. ‘Dad -’

‘You know if you don't tell me, I'll send a letter to Minerva. She would tell me’.

‘Minnie has more to do than worry about my love life, Dad’.

He laughed.

‘So there _is_ a love life’.

‘Hum’, James sighed, desperately looking for something to tell his father that wasn't related to a green-eyed redhead. ‘There's this girl I was seeing’.

Fleamont nodded, satisfied, waiting for him to continue.

‘Well, we had one date at least, does that count? She is cool. Pretty. Fun. But that is it. I'm not in love with her. Mary is not always on my mind. And I don’t have secret admirers’. James thought his father still looked a little dubious. ‘I'm not lying’.

‘I know you are not. But I also don't think you're telling the whole truth’.

His father sighed, then he made a move on the chessboard with his horse.

‘Checkmate. I'll lie down for a bit’. James nodded. ‘You really don't want to talk about that girl?’

‘There is no one’, James said automatically.

His father gave him a small smile.

‘Well, I'll be here when she exists’. He raised, but he stopped to look at James. ‘Son... About Quidditch and your adventure in Whomping Willow... I don't know if I already said it, but I'm proud of you’.

‘Thanks, Dad’.

* * *

The night was starry and, even though there were no clouds in the sky, the snow fell slowly, illuminated by the lanterns around James; he didn't know where he was - sometimes he thought he could see the Hogwarts Castle in the distance, other times he remembered of the park across his home in London.

The sound of a happy giggle attracted his attention - suddenly, it didn't matter where he was, because Lily Evans was sitting in a park bench a few steps away, wearing a white dress that blended with snow; she didn't seem to feel cold, and James thought he couldn't fault her. He was warm enough.

‘Aren't you coming, Potter?’, she demanded, her hand raised towards him in an invitation. He walked over to her, sitting by her side, his eyes never leaving hers. Her red hair contrasted violently with the whiteness around them, and her green eyes shone even in the poor light.

‘Impatient much, Evans?’, he replied back, teasingly, and she grinned back, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers.

It wasn’t enough, and as soon as James thought it, Lily brought her face close to his, her free hand raised to touch his face. James closed his eyes as she slid her warm fingers over his closed eyes, the tip of his nose, the corner of his lips, until her hand fell to his neck. She ran her fingers through his hair, and he finally her lips, with a slight touch of strawberry, brushed his.

‘You have no idea’, she whispered, her voice urgent. Then her mouth was touching his, and James thought kissing her would be the most natural and perfect thing in the world ...

When he woke up.

* * *

James loved Christmas at Godric's Hollow - everything was decorated in red and gold, there were enchanting lights around the house, and he could build snowmen six feet high - but he hated the feast his parents held each year. Perhaps in 1920 it had been fun to gather people together to celebrate Christmas, but fifty years later he didn’t think so; that was probably why he rarely celebrated Christmas with people under the age of twenty.

He would much rather prefer a quiet night with only his parents, but it was important for his parents - after 60 years it could be called tradition, he supposed - so he put on his best formal robes and waited at the door to meet the guests, as he had done impeccably for the past ten years.

His parents' friends adored him; James only wished they didn't insist on squeezing his cheek, as if he were still a cute 6-year-old boy.

 _‘James!’_ , sang Batilda Bagshot, their closest neighbor. She used to say that she would be a professional singer if she hadn't discovered the pleasure of writing history books. ‘Merry Christmas! You grew up so much, my dear boy, I remember when you were just a toddler -’

He smiled without answering and grabbed her coat before she started telling stories of when he used to run naked in the yard.

The routine repeated monotonously. James found himself looking forward to going back to London and enjoying the rest of his vacation with Severus - exploring London parks, talking about anything, or just complaining about the stress of the exams or - 

‘Hi, James’, he heard a slightly bored voice. When he turned around, he saw Marlene McKinnon nodding at him; her family had arrived. 

James accepted the family greeting, exchanging holiday wishes with them, until only Marlene was left in front of him, looking as excited as he felt to be in a party in which the average age was around sixty-years old.

‘Marlene’, he replied shortly, accepting her coat to keep it, not knowing what to say. He and Marlene never talked much, although she was his cousin. They had not grown up together; her family lived far in the North, and family visits weren’t frequent.

And even at Hogwarts there wasn't much contact, even though they were both from Gryffindor. She was a year older than James, so when he started Hogwarts, she already had her friends and didn't have time for a younger cousin - especially one that was extremely unpopular with his classmates. Any interaction was always restricted to occasional greetings and exchanges of family messages.

‘Who is here?’, asked Marlene, lifting on her tiptoes to glance at the living room, already full of people.

‘The usual ones’, he replied, distracted. ‘Neighbours, some of my parents' old colleagues... Minnie McGonagall didn't come this year’.

‘Ah’, she sighed, looking upset. ‘It's a shame, Professor McGonagall is always great after a few bottles of sherry’. 

They exchanged a knowing look, both of them having the same memories of other family events they had shared with Minerva McGonagall. Then Marlene looked away.

‘I thought the Blacks would come’.

James shrugged, not caring much at the Blacks' absence. Ever since he remembered, they had never come, which he wouldn't complain about. Nine months per year was more than enough of Sirius Black’s company to him.

‘They were invited, I think’.

‘Well, it's a long journey from London’, Marlene agreed distantly. Then she shook her head, making snow fly from her long brown hair, and looked at the living room. ‘I should -’

‘Sure’, he said, just as the doorbell rang again, and their paths parted.

* * *

James heard someone popping a bottle of champagne downstairs, but he didn't mind going down. First, he knew he wouldn't be able to drink - not in front of his mother, at least. Second, he always came to his room during the Christmas party to open his presents. It was a tradition of his own, so there was even a small Christmas tree at the foot of his bed, already with gifts. His parents were exaggerated when it came to giving him presents.

That year's harvest was as good as ever; his mother had knitted another set of sweater and scarf, red and green, which she knew James favoured, along with boxes of candy made by her and a vinyl record - one of the Muggle things they shared. He left the record playing in his room before opening his father's gifts; he had given him an entire set of Gryffindor Quidditch robes, with his name embroidered - his desire to play at Hogwarts doubled - and a bag of sterling. James thought this was really nice of his father, because they both knew that he would spend the money with Severus; it felt like a confidence vote.

Then he opened other gifts. Severus had sent him one; it was not every year he could gift James, but it was always interesting. That year, he had sent a very old book, which James thought was second-handed - it would be a common Animagi guide, but he saw there were notes from previous owners, as additional tips.

It was much cooler than the book James had sent him as a gift, which was just the most recent edition of _Advanced Potion Making._

Mary MacDonald had sent him a simple gift too, which he loved - it was a black and white photo of the day he had played Quidditch. He saw himself entering and leaving the frame, and even without any colour he could remember how the sky had been blue that day, and how he had been wearing the red and gold uniform. That urge to play again rose inside him, even though he felt a little bit guilty of only sending to Mary a box of chocolates from Honeydukes.

There were several other gifts, coming from distant relatives and friends of his parents, until only a small red box remained. James thought there was something alive inside, because the box moved some times, rising from the floor by a few inches before falling again as if the paper was too heavy for its content. He opened the box and something flight away fastly. He picked it up on reflex - it was a Golden Snitch, which, in contact with his hand, seemed to calm down, its wings stopping fluttering.

There was a note at the bottom of the box; his stomach did somersaults when he recognized the flowery letter:

“ _James Potter,_ _Happy Christmas!_

_I just want to wish that all your dreams come true, because I think, and I will dare to say that I am right, that you deserve all the best._

_Lily_

_PS: This is the Snitch you caught during your first match. Don't ask me how I got it."_

He looked at the Snitch again. It was supposed to be a reminder of something wrong, of a bad moment he had never asked for, but for once James couldn't form any negative thoughts about that match.

All he felt was a warmth, thinking how Lily Evans had cared enough to send him a Christmas present, and how she had wished him the best. It was ironic, even, that she wanted all his dreams to come true when she had been on them.

And then he realized he had twenty-four hours until the end of the day to get a gift for Lily Evans, since he hadn't sent anything to her.

* * *

The house was still quiet when James returned from the Necromancer's shop, satisfied with his purchase. He shouldn't have been surprised. It was just past eight in the morning, and the Christmas party had not been over until at least two o'clock as far as he knew.

He went into the kitchen, finding Layla in the process of preparing breakfast. The elf gave him a disapproving look, but she said nothing. When James had left, thirty minutes ago, she had found him in the kitchen, magically heating the water for tea. His mother would have scolded him if she had seen it, but James thought the situation qualified as an emergency.

Layla had questioned him about his trip, and James had been honest with her, saying that he would visit the Necromancer's shop - the only place around there that would never close, even at Christmas. The Necromancer was an obscure figure in the region, who was famous for always having what someone need, and James hoped he could also guess what people needed since he didn’t have a clear idea of what he would buy for Lily.

He had left the house under Layla's disapproving look, but he knew she would never stop me from leaving. Like his parents and probably because of their influence, Layla had the idea that he should get everything he wanted in life. She would keep his secret.

It was funny when James stopped to think about it; his family had always done their best to make sure that James had everything he wanted - his father had taught him to fly two seconds after James had asked him to - and, likewise, he had immediately won the best broom that he could have in the next day. They had moved to London because James had felt alone in Godric's Hollow, no matter how much he loved the village; and even though his father didn't like Snape, James knew his father would always accept him at home because he knew they were friends. Until he had set foot on Hogwarts, James thought he had never had one bad day in his life.

In a way, it was like Lily had told him - if he hadn't ignored Sirius Black, if he hadn't remained friends with Severus Snape, his life there would have been just as perfect. He surely would join the Quidditch team instead of McLaggan; there would be no jokes about him and James would be adored by everyone. Maybe he could even be friends with Black. Going out with Lily Evans would be very easy - they would both be popular, loved, and they would shine together.

 _Stop dreaming,_ he told himself grimly, picking up one of the toasts on the table and leaving the kitchen.

There was not an owlery at his house, but owls usually stayed on a perch outside the living room. The room was still warm, with the remains of the fireplace still burning, but a cool breeze was coming in through the half-opened window. Someone was already sitting in the armchair by the window, checkings the mail of the day.

Marlene McKinnon looked up in surprise, her face flushing as she returned the letters to the table next to her. James hadn't realized that the McKinnons had spent the night there, but it should not surprise him. They lived far away, and the house had several rooms unoccupied. It was not uncommon for some guests to stay overnight.

‘Morning’, she said without looking at him. ‘I was just - Just checking if there was any correspondence for me’.

‘And there was?’, James asked, sitting on the armchair across her.

‘No’.

‘Well -’, he started, trying to comfort her. Marlene looked very unhappy. ‘- maybe it will arrive later, I myself forgot to send a gift’.

James indicated the package he was carrying in his hands.

‘Oh. Is that why you left early this morning?’

He raised his eyebrows, amused.

‘Spying on me, Marlene?’ 

She rolled her eyes.

‘I saw you leaving from my bedroom window. I didn't sleep much tonight’.

‘Waiting for the mail?’, James guessed, indicating the pile of correspondence between them. In addition to that day edition of the Daily Prophet, there were several Christmas cards.

‘Wise guy’, she replied, only half-joking. She looked beyond him, through the window, distracted, and James left her for her thoughts, calling out his owl. Frank came, hooting happily. ‘It's a beautiful owl’, Marlene said, stretching out her hands to stroke the owl's feathers. ‘Owls are better than people’.

James could not disagree with her sentence, but he thought there was something else bothering her.

‘Hmmm, Marlene -’, he hesitated, not knowing how to speak. They had never been very close, but he hated seeing her so dismayed. ‘This thing you’ve been waiting... whoever didn’t send it is really stupid and doesn't deserve to upset you’.

That made her smile a little.

‘Yeah, he's quite an idiot’, she agreed, sighing. ‘But it’s complicated’.

James looked at her, wondering who she was talking about. As far as he knew, Marlene didn't have a boyfriend, but then he would be the first to admit that he hadn't paid her much attention. Whoever it was that was _complicated,_ it was none of his business.

‘Your owl is waiting for you, James’, Marlene warned him, indicating Frank who had his leg in the air, clearly waiting for him, while looking reproachfully at James.

‘Sorry’, he asked, stroking the owl’s feathers before tying the gift.

‘James -’, Marlene called him in a strange voice. She was looking at the gift, frowning. ‘Why are you sending a gift to _Lily Evans?’_

James did not answer. The owl took flight, its wings fluttering between them, and that was enough distraction for him to get up and close the window, already thinking about leaving the room. But Marlene stood up too, her arms crossed, on the way to the door.

‘James?’, she insisted.

‘I just - I'm just returning a gift, there's nothing going on’.

‘You two are exchanging gifts?’, asked Marlene, sounding shocked. ‘Does Sirius know about it?’

Her comment made his stomach churn with anger.

‘I have no idea what Black has to do with this, it is not for him that I am sending a gift’.

She snorted, seeming equally annoyed.

‘You know as well as I do that Sirius and Evans are a package, James’, she warned. Then she sighed and looked hesitantly at him. ‘Don't get involved with them, James, I’m telling it for your own good. It will only bring you trouble’.

James looked at his cousin, finding a pair of eyes whose shade of hazel was the same as his.

‘I'm not getting involved’, he affirmed, though he didn’t believe his own words. ‘It's just a gift, Marlene, it's not a marriage proposal’.

‘Marriage?’, she scoffed. ‘Are you so in love? Merlin, what does that girl have that makes guys propose to her?’

‘I'm not proposing, what are you talking about? I'm not in love -’

‘I hope not. It would never work, even if Sirius _liked_ you, and we both know that it will never happen. That group of them is too closed and to full to accept anyone else’.

‘How do you know so much about the Marauders?’

There was a brief hesitation.

‘I may not be in your year, but I pay attention. Why do you think Evans' relationship didn’t work? Not even Fabian could handle her friendship with Sirius well. And you _don't even support_ Sirius. How would you -’

‘I'm not thinking about any of this’, he cut her off, and to his surprise, he was being truthful. No matter how Lily could show up in his dreams more than it would be acceptable, and no matter what he would feel for her, anything beyond his dreams was _complicated._

 _And also impossible,_ said a voice in his head, which sounded a lot like Severus Snape, but for once he didn't tell that voice to shut up.

‘I hope not’, Marlene said resolutely, taking a step aside to allow him to pass through the door. ‘Trust me, James. Getting involved with Black and Evans would only bring you disappointment’.

James nodded and left the room. When he was almost climbing the stairs, he turned to look at Marlene. She had sat down again in the armchair next to the window, looking up at the sky, waiting for a letter that would not come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: James has flashbacks from his first year. Snape and James get alarming news in Hogwarts.


	9. Echoes of the past

" _Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev, he is creepy!"_ \- Lily Evans, HP and the Deathly Hallows

* * *

That was one of the places that James least like to visit; Spinners' End was never busy - sometimes a boy on a bicycle would pass by, hurrying out of that street. James couldn't fault him. Whether because of the deplorable stream that ran alongside the street, or because of the gangs of bad-looking boys who gathered now and then, or by the fact that the sky there always seemed grey, with the smoke from the nearby factories, the truth was that Spinner’s End gave him goosebumps. He avoided the place if he could.

And still there he was, in the late afternoon of December 31st. Severus hadn't sent him any messages in the past few days, and he hadn't shown up on James’ house even though James had let him know he was back; when his latest letter was not delivered - Frank had returned with the letter unopened, clearly indignant at not having accomplished its mission - James thought the situation was starting to get too alarming, so he had gone looking for his best friend, without mentioning anything to his parents. More than one person had warned him to avoid that Muggle neighbourhood, but it was important.

It was worth taking risks for some things in life.

He arrived in front of the Snape’s house and, as usual, he hesitated slightly. The lights inside the house were lit, and he could see the silhouette of at least one person there, but it was obvious that there were more people, because he could also hear some sort of an argument.

He rang the bell and waited - the voices inside suddenly went silent, and, with an explosion, the door opened, almost hitting him in the face. James looked up to stare at that man who was just like his best friend - only older and much surlier.

‘Ah, it’s _you’_ , Tobias Snape said, full of contempt, instead of greeting him. Behind him, his wife, Eileen, just winked at James. She never smiled or was nice to James in front of her husband. ‘What do you want here?’

‘I would like a word with Sev’, James answered in the most polite voice he could manage.

‘Bet you do. The boy is unavailable’, he retorted impatiently, trying to close the door, but something stopped him. Eileen had raised her wand just a little.

‘Let them talk, Tobias’, she whispered in a small voice. ‘There is nothing wrong with it’.

‘Weirdoes’, Tobias murmured, irritated. Then he cried: ‘Boy! Get down here! Your little friend wants to talk to you!’

In answer, there was only a sound of a door opening and closing upstairs. James retreated to the street, after nodding thanks to Eileen - she didn't show any reaction - and he waited. The afternoon air, at least on that street, was not pleasant. This was a run-down neighbourhood in London, in a suburb close to factories still active, and few houses were still occupied.

Across the river, a bunch of guys were talking quietly and pointing at him. James looked away and turned around - and almost collided with Severus in doing so. He hadn't heard him coming.

‘Let's get out of here’, Severus said dryly, walking without waiting for James.

James glanced at him while trying to keep up with his pace. It was cold in London, but Severus wore a strange collection of clothes. To begin with, he was wearing a scarf and hat, accessories that James knew he hated; his overcoat was obviously made for someone bigger than him, and James thought it might be a female model; it seemed to have belonged once to his mother.

Severus didn't stop until they reached a bridge - further on there was a line of trees, in the middle of which there was a clearing where they used to go to play when they were younger, but they hadn't visited in a long while. James waited for him to speak and leaned on one of the pillars of the bridge; they had reached one of the cleanest sections of the stream, and the place was much quieter. James’ house was about five blocks away.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t see you before. I just wasn’t in the mood’, Severus said finally, without looking at James. His eyes were fixed at the river running below the bridge, but James thought his mind was far away.

‘No big deal’, he said easily, with a smile that was ignored. ‘I had some homework to finish anyway’. When Snape didn’t say anything, James added in a casual voice. ‘I was worried when my owl couldn't find you though’.

‘He found me’, he replied, a new irony in his voice. ‘But they do not let owls enter the hospital emergency room. It is not very hygienic’.

‘You were in the hospital?’, James asked, alarmed. ‘What happened?’

Severus tried to shrug - but he stopped in mid-gesture, frowning.

‘I fell down the stairs’, he said vaguely as if the matter was not important. James looked at him, but Severus kept avoiding his gaze, until James reached out and, so fast that it took him a few seconds to notice, he removed his hat.

There was a purple bruise on his head and a cut above his right eyebrow, with the stitches marks still red.

‘James’, he called, annoyed, extending his hand. ‘Give it back’.

James handed him back the hat, unable to look away from the place where he had been hurt, even after he had put the hat on.

‘It was him, wasn't it?’, asked James in a low voice. Severus did not turn to him.

‘It was an accident’, he replied emotionless. ‘Don’t worry, I'll fix this with magic as soon as I set foot on the Platform’. 

James took a deep breath to control his anger; the sound made Severus look at him and, after a few seconds, his expression softened. 

‘I wouldn't defend _him_ if it were his fault. It was an accident, really’.

‘You can spend the rest of the holidays at my house, you know that’.

‘I really don't need your charity, Potter’, he retorted, his voice mixing anger and hurt. 

James rolled his eyes.

‘Great, because I'm not doing charity here. I'm just behaving like a friend. Like _your_ friend, which guess what? I am’.

Severus looked at him for a moment as if he wanted to find any trace of pity on his face, but James knew he would only see his earnestness. After a few seconds, Severus smiled.

‘How did I get a friend so stupid?’, he asked, his voice light, and James grinned.

‘Being even more stupid, of course’, he joked. ‘There are only a few days until we go back to Hogwarts. Stay at home, my mom keeps insisting on it’.

He nodded absently.

‘How was it at Godric's Hollow?’

‘Fine, I guess’, James murmured, and for the first time, the expression did change on Snape’s face.

He looked concerned, just as James had been minutes ago.

‘Did something happen?’

James blinked, half-surprised and half-pleased; he knew Severus very well - his expressions and moods and everything he sometimes didn’t put into words - since they had been friends for so long, but sometimes he was glad to realize Severus also knew him back.

He couldn't lie to him right now.

‘I met… someone’.

‘Black?’, Severus guessed, a natural grimace on his face.

‘No, my cousin, Marlene’.

He blinked.

‘Marlene McKinnon? What's her problem?’

‘None, it wasn't exactly a problem, I just - I wished she hadn't gone’. James hesitated, but then it occurred to him that if anyone would know any rumours about the Marauders, it would certainly be Severus, and he wouldn't mind telling him. ‘Do you know if there is anything between her and the Marauders?’

‘I barely know your cousin. She's a _Gryffindor’,_ he replied immediately, with deliberate disdain in his voice. James rolled his eyes, finding his answer sillier than anything, and he waited for Severus to continue. ‘As far as I know, she is not one of those girls who are always after Black, so at least she has that in her favour’. James laughed. ‘But why the question? What did she do?’

‘It was just something she mentioned’, James said vaguely. ‘About not being good to get involved with the Marauders’.

‘It sounds like a good advice’, he agreed, and there was a vague distrust in his eyes that James promptly pretended not to notice. It worked; after a minute, Severus seemed to relax, looking back at the horizon.

Not getting involved with the Marauders was something Severus and he had managed to _not do_ since the first day at Hogwarts, when they had shared a train compartment with Sirius Black and Lily Evans. At first, it wasn't bad. They had talked a little and there wasn’t any immediate enmity. Sirius had seemed nice to James.

Black had attracted a good number of people, most of them Slytherins, obviously impressed by his surname, but he had despised everyone who came to talk to him; he had even ignored the few people of his family who had greeted him.

And the first real smile James had seen on his face was when the then shy Lily Evans, from her corner by the window, had raised her slightly red eyes - she had been very quiet at the beginning of the trip, looking upset about something - and had confessed that she did not know the surname Black; her face was pink.

‘My parents are Muggles, so I don't know anything about the wizarding world’, she admitted, sounding concerned. ‘Does it... does it make a difference being a Muggle-born?’

‘It doesn't make any difference’, Black assured her immediately, in a voice that left no room for questioning, and James had warmed to Black right then. But next to him, Severus let out an incredulous laugh, which made Black turn to him with narrowed eyes. ‘Got any problem?’

‘No’, Severus had said, with a tone of disbelief that clearly said otherwise. ‘If you don't mind _lying_ -’

‘I meant that it didn’t make any difference for _me_ ’, Black snarled. ‘Of course I can't talk for everyone… _Snivellus_ ’.

‘He didn't mean like that’, James defended loyally, looking annoyed at Sirius Black. ‘No need to call him names because of that’.

‘And we don't need the company of prejudiced people. Why don't you go look for another compartment, little snake?’

James frowned; in the corner, the redhead girl looked shaky, and just because of her, he raised, ignoring the fact that they had been the first to get there.

‘Come on, Sev. Let's find another compartment’, he murmured and, with an equally sullen face, Severus stood up.

‘I could have taken him’, Severus muttered aggressively. Then he looked back to the compartment, now with the curtains drawn, and his voice changed when he said: ‘Do you think we should ask her to come with us?’

‘Who?’

‘The girl’, he said, blushing.

‘You just said you _cared_ that her parents were Muggles’, James noted, not bothering to scold him now that it was just the two of them. ‘Why would she come with us?’

Surprise flashed on his face.

‘But I didn't care’, he said, and then there was another flash of surprise. ‘I mean it, I really don't care that she is Muggle-born’, he repeated in a low voice. ‘I just didn't want to make up lies for her’.

James relaxed, feeling like an idiot for not understanding it before - of course Severus was not prejudiced as Black had accused him of being.

‘Maybe Black just wants to protect her’, he suggested as they walked on the train in search of another compartment. ‘Don't worry, we'll have another opportunity to talk to her’.

James hadn’t known then how wrong he was. They never spoke to Evans alone again; when they had left that compartment, Lily Evans was alone with Sirius Black - and since then they had become best friends, inseparable.

‘Oh, no’, Severus muttered, distracting James. His face had closed, and he was looking at the beginning of the bridge, where the group of boys James had spotted earlier were in a circle, looking at them. One of them, perhaps the eldest and leader, approached them.

He was twice James’ size and he didn’t look friendly.

‘Nice watch you have there’, he said casually, looking at James wrist. Without thinking, James put his hand in his pocket and hold his wand.

‘Never you mind’, Severus replied menacingly. ‘Go away’.

‘I wasn't talking to you, but your combination of clothes is awesome. Was your mom that dressed you like that, grumpy face?’

His friends laughed in the distance. Severus also put his hand in his pocket and his expression was murderous.

‘Leave us alone’, James said firmly, ignoring the fact that the other guy was a head bigger than him. Blood pounded in his ears, but he was not afraid.

‘Or what?’, he scoffed, pushing James to the ground.

He reacted before he was even on the ground, so naturally that he didn't even noticed that he had drawn his wand until he heard the crash. And then that boy, about five years older than him, and obviously much stronger, was flying to the beginning of the bridge, falling flat on the street near his friends.

James stood up, ignoring the pain where his hand had flayed on the cold asphalt.

‘Let's get out of here’, he murmured to Severus, while the rest of the group looked confused. ‘Before they do anything’.

But Severus blinked at him.

‘Let's teach them a lesson!’, he said, not bothering to keep his voice low. He had drawn his wand, and there was an excited grin on his face.

‘Stop it!’, James hissed, furious, pulling him to the other side of the bridge. ‘Or we will get into more trouble than we already are’.

‘They deserve it’, replied Severus, trying to get back. James had never noticed before, but he was stronger than him; he managed to force him to leave the bridge. ‘What is your problem?’

‘My problem is that I'm not going to use magic on a defenceless bunch of Muggles!’

‘You just did’.

‘I didn’t mean to’, James said, annoyed with himself too. ‘It is one thing to defend myself and it is another to attack someone who is lying on the ground’.

‘Oh, whatever’, he snapped. ‘I'm going home’, the last word was said with bitterness. ‘I see you at Hogwarts’.

James’ annoyance was suddenly gone, replaced by exasperation.

‘Don't be like that’, James said, calmer now. ‘Come to my place’.

Snape turned to him. There was some sort of silent battle - James could see his reflection on Severus' black eyes -, until Snape sighed and nodded, the anger leaving his face just as it had happened with James second before.

‘I'll get my things and meet you later’.

* * *

James yawned while he waited for his father to decide his chess move. That was one of the reasons he was bad at chess - the longer it took, the more bored he would be. At his side, Severus looked up from his new edition of Advanced Potion Making to smirk at him.

‘I think you will lose in one move, James’, he noted, sounding amused.

James rolled his eyes, knowing he could not give a proper answer with his father there.

‘Do you play chess, Severus?’, his father asked without looking away from the game. James smiled at him; for the past few days, his father had been striving to be more friendly to Severus.

‘Only when I'm feeling very patient’, Severus replied, his brow furrowed, looking uncertainly. He knew that Fleamont Potter had never warmed to him. ‘My matches usually take hours. I overthink’.

‘Hmm. You should learn a thing or two with your friend, James. Your problem is that you distract easily during the game’.

James shrugged, unconcerned. He didn't want to tell his father that his real problem was that he never saw any fun in chess. And, at least this time, he wasn't really distracted; his thoughts for once weren’t drifting towards other people.

One other people specifically.

And the weirdest part was that James knew that part of the reason for that was, with Severus Snape close by, he felt guiltier than usual letting his thoughts roam freely to Lily Evans. She was already too much on his dreams lately.

‘Still thinking about her?’

James blinked in surprise, his face flushing as he felt two different pair of eyes over him. His father looked amused, while Snape's eyes had narrowed.

‘I'm not thinking about anyone’, he said, hoping his voice had sounded nonchalant as if it was just absurd what his father had said.

‘Still in denial?’, his father laughed, and then he moved his queen and raised. ‘Checkmate. Good night, boys. Don't sleep too late’.

They nodded him good night, and there was a silence until a door slammed upstairs.

‘I didn't know that things had gotten that serious between you and Mary’, murmured Severus, his voice as deliberated as James had tried to sound.

James shrugged, putting away the chess pieces.

‘My father overreacts’, he said, without looking at Snape. ‘I stay two minutes in silence and he thinks it means something…’

Severus seemed to be convinced; he laughed.

‘So you are not pining all over the place because of Mary Macdonald?’

James rolled his eyes.

‘No. And I also don’t drool when she walks by’.

He blushed.

‘That happened _once_ \- and I was distracted. Anyway, your little girlfriend has nothing on Lily Evans’.

‘Hey! Mary is beautiful and cool’, James insisted, a little annoyed by the comparison he was making. ‘And she is not attached to Sirius Black’.

‘She's not my type’, Severus replied, obviously ignoring the last part of James’ comment.

‘No, your type is very specific’, James murmured. ‘Have you ever considered looking at someone else? Maybe be interested in someone you can actually be with?’

For a moment anger flashed in his eyes, but then Severus shook his head and shrugged.

‘Yes, but... I don't see anyone else. I really fancy her’.

‘Why?’, James asked, more curious than he had ever been about this matter.

He had always thought that Severus had just fallen in love with Evans at first sight on the Hogwarts Express, with that sweet red-haired girl with green eyes, but after all these years without ever talking to her, he thought it would be over by now.

‘She's... perfect’, Snape replied simply, making James sigh.

That was his problem, he thought. Severus did not know Evans beyond the idea he had of her in his head.

They were silent for a while and just because James had nothing to do and didn't want to sleep so early on the last night of the holidays, he raised his wand.

‘ _Accio_ Snitch’, he whispered and seconds later, the Golden Snitch came flying fast in the room. James caught it, watching its wings fluttering and released it.

He waited until the Snitch was almost out of his reach and picked it up again. It was easy and strangely relaxing. He had spent days in his room at Godric's Hollow, practising with the Snitch. His reflexes were excellent.

‘It's new?’, he heard Severus asking, a sudden stress in his voice. James looked at him; there was something in his face that made James feel uncomfortable, like if he were just showing off.

‘Christmas gift’, he answered vaguely, pocketing the Snitch. ‘It's just good to train reflexes’.

He knew he didn't need to explain himself, but James didn't like Snape’s look. It was too much reprehending.

But then the expression on his face changed and Severus just looked wistful. James knew that look - it was what the one he always had when Lily Evans was in his line of sight.

He huffed, exasperated, and Snape turned to him.

‘What?’

‘She will never look at any of us’, James said impatiently, and when Snape raised his eyebrows, James flushed. ‘You know what I mean, Evans would never look at someone _like us_ ’.

‘Why not?’

‘Because –‘, James shook his head. There were hundreds of reasons, most of them related to Black, but the words didn’t want to leave his mouth. Somehow listing the reasons would make them seem even too real. ‘Just no’.

James knew what he had to do; he had told himself over and over that all he had to do was avoid Evans, get out of it before he would be too lost in his feelings like Snape was. He could deal with a crush on her.

And yet making up his mind had not helped in making feel better about it.

It felt like there was something heavy in his chest at the idea of being away from Lily Evans; unhappiness flowed in him.

‘James?’, Severus called him softly, sounding both grave and insecure. ‘If I asked you something, you would be honest with me, right?’

James looked back at him and sighed, defeated.

He would never lie to Severus if he asked like that; their trust was mutual – James told him his secrets, he told James his and they kept each other’s secrets.

Like the best friends they were.

‘Of course I would’.

Severus took a deep breath.

‘I was wondering if you are –‘, he stopped, suddenly, when a dark owl entered the room and hurriedly delivered him a letter, leaving through the window without expecting any answer. He took the letter. ‘What? What does Mulciber want with me at this hour?’, he asked frowning, unwrapping the parchment.

He read twice the letter before getting up. His face was suddenly pale.

‘Can I borrow your owl, James?’, he asked, without drawing his eyes from the letter. His brow was furrowed as if he were analysing a very complicated situation.

‘Sure. Something happened?’

His eyes met James’, and for an instant, James thought there was only panic in Severus’ eyes as if he needed to say something he didn't know how to. Then his face relaxed and the only sign of distress was his lifeless black eyes.

‘No’, he assured, in a soft voice. ‘Everything is all right’.

* * *

James waited until the train made the first turn to stop waving to his parents; he turned to the hall. A few steps away, Severus was talking quietly to McNair and Avery; his face was serious, but somehow excited too.

‘Severus?’, James called, walking over to him. ‘Let’s look for a compartment?’

Snape turned, any glee draining from his face, as if James were just a nuisance he had to deal with. Severus had been making him feel confused since last night, when he hadn't returned to the room after sending the owl; and he had avoided James at breakfast as well.

‘Walden has already saved a seat for me’, Severus explained, not sounding sorrowful. ‘There are six of us, and only Slytherins, but if you –‘

‘No, that's fine’, James said quickly, pushing away his bag. The truth was they had always travelled together on the Hogwarts Express, but James didn't want to look so dependent and he also didn't want to sit with his friends, especially when he knew he wasn’t really being invited to. ‘I'll just find the Prewetts or my cousin maybe... You can go with them, of course’.

Snape smiled, but his smile did not reach his eyes. He turned to his friends, entering the compartment.

‘James wouldn't understand’, he heard him say, now distressed, as James was walking away. He slowed his pace, uncomfortable.

‘You know what that means’, McNair said darkly.

‘I just need time’, Snape replied. ‘He's my friend for years –‘

‘It won't be mean anything to _him_ , Severus’, Avery told him. ‘You need to decide to whom you will be faithful in the end’.

‘Look, if you don't want to respect my friendship, at least respect the _blood_ ’, Severus said, and James wondered if he were the only one who could detect the tremor in his voice. ‘James Potter is –‘

But the rest of his words were drowned out when the door of his compartment finally closed, and the curtain fell, hiding those six Slytherins from James and stopping him from hearing one of the strangest conversations he had ever pried on his life.

It was not, however, the first time that he overheard a conversation of Slytherins – but that other time he had been able to understand perfectly what was being discussed, and it had not been pleasant.

It had happened for a stupid reason at the end of his First Year. By then, James had never entered the Slytherin Common Room, but he had grown tired of listening to Severus, and even his housemates, talking about how it was better there; James couldn't disagree, as he spent as much time as possible away from his own common room - Black's private reign - and his only retort was saying ironically that he would stop by someday. Severus had laughed.

‘The password is "Ambition" if you want to visit me’, he joked, and James had just nodded absently.

A few nights later, however, when he got tired of Black's latest prank of disappearing with his pillows - the fact that James was able to conjure a new one did not stop his annoyance -, James had finally enough. He left the Gryffindor Common Room, safely hidden under his Invisibility Cloak, for the first time just wanting to get out of Gryffindor, to leave that place he was never welcomed to.

He ended up in front of that wall that he knew was the door to the Slytherin Common Room. He was angry beyond words, hating that Sirius Black had somehow managed to make Gryffindor seem like a bad place for him – James knew he was more welcomed among Severus' Slytherin friends than with any of the people that shared his House.

Then he said ‘Ambition’ and the wall opened.

At first James didn't like the Slytherin Common Room. He already missed the Gryffindor Tower, with that feeling of being in the skies, instead of under the lake, and with the red and gold drapes, the warm fireplace. Whatever his problems were in Gryffindor, being in Slytherin wouldn't have solved them.

He sighed, maybe too loud.

‘Did anyone come in?’, he heard a frightened voice ask, and he stopped quietly.

‘Don't be paranoid, Rabastan, this wall is not the most reliable’, Rodolphus Lestrange scoffed. ‘It was probably just the wind’.

‘Still - if anyone finds out –‘

‘You can leave if you want’, Bellatrix Black interrupted, as haughty as ever. She was the only one standing up and the only woman in that group of students. Her path had never crossed directly before with James, not with six years apart, so he found himself looking curiously at her. The only thing she had in common with her Gryffindor cousin was the same arrogant look. ‘Cowards won’t be tolerated, however’.

‘My brother is just being careful, Bella’, Rodolphus explained, a wry smile on his face. ‘The risks –‘

‘Everyone here knows the risks’, McNair had declared, his face eager. ‘We swear that no word of what will be said here will be repeated. We all have reputations to uphold’.

‘Reputations’, Bellatrix scoffed. ‘Your name only matters to show your lineage is not stained by Mudbloods’. James clenched his fists indignantly. ‘The Dark Lord does not care how much money your family donates to the Ministry of Magic or if you are a good match. He wants people willing to clean up the scum, to create a new world’.

‘So there is really a Dark Lord?’, Avery asked. Bellatrix and Rodolphus laughed together, their engagement rings reflecting the light from the fire.

‘Of course there is’, Rodolphus replied smugly. ‘Start paying attention to the newspaper. It has started. A new era is coming’.

‘And how is _he_?’

‘Powerful’, there was an unrestrained passion in Bellatrix Black's voice. ‘He's the greatest wizard of all time. He knows all the secrets of magic and… he is willing to share it. The power that emanates from him is... beyond anything you could dream of’.

‘You speak as if you know him’, Mulciber scoffed. Bellatrix raised her hand, making her robes fall to expose her left arm. Mulciber's eyes suddenly widened. ‘Don't tell me that you... You're a _girl_ ’.

Bellatrix only raised her wand; a moment later, Mulciber fell, his nose bleeding, as if someone had punched him.

‘Manners, Mulciber. I know more than you could hope for’, Bellatrix declared mockingly. She turned to the rest of her audience. ‘Be patient and one day your time will come’. She and Rodolphus conjured glasses of champagne that they toasted together. ‘Being a follower of the Dark Lord is the greatest honour’.

‘Death Eater, Bella’, Rodolphus said, smiling. ‘Let the kids learn it right’.

They laughed, and James felt only disgust watching them. He backed up against the wall, fighting his urge to just throw up.

‘What you think?’, he heard Avery asking, in a low voice.

‘Wipe away Mudbloods and half-breeds, learn real magic, be powerful…’, Mulciber laughed, the blood on his face already dried. ‘What do you think, Severus?’

James turned sharply. There, close to the windows so James had not seen him before, was his best friend. He just smiled, not uttering a word - but James knew his expression by then.

It was the same look that could be spotted on Severus’ face whenever he saw Lily Evans. Admiration. Almost worship.

Severus still hadn't said anything when James finally left the room.

* * *

‘Potter?’, James blinked, disoriented. ‘James?’

He turned around; in the open compartment he had just passed by, Remus Lupin was calling him, smiling.

‘Hi, Remus’, he greeted, leaving his bag in the middle of the hallway, and looking briefly inside the cabin. Black nodded at him, distracted, and Pettigrew followed suit, looking uncertainly from Black to Lupin. ‘How was your holiday?’

‘Same as always’, Lupin shrugged, a shadow crossing his face. ‘Are you alone? Come and sit with us’.

Black blinked, looking at Lupin as if he had never seen him before. James backed away automatically.

‘I was already on my way to find another place, I mean, my cousin must be somewhere around here –‘

‘Stay with us’, Lupin insisted, sounding kind as always.

‘I don't think that would be a good idea, Remus’.

‘Don't be stupid, Potter’, Black interrupted, without looking at him directly. ‘We don't bite. Except Remus, of course, but today he promises to behave’.

Lupin blushed, and James found himself laughing without even realizing it.

‘Okay’, he agreed, entering the cabin, and closing the door behind him.

‘And how was your holiday?’, Lupin asked, when James sat next to Peter Pettigrew. The boy was looking at James, somewhat curious.

‘Good, I think’, James murmured, with a grimace. The truth was it hadn't been particularly fun.

‘They were better than ours, I assure you’, Black said calmly. ‘Unless you spend your Christmas dinner hearing about how Muggles should be wiped off the face of the Earth’.

James raised his eyebrows, uncomfortable; sometimes he forgot how the Blacks were one of the traditional Pure-Blood families – perhaps because Sirius never seemed to care that his best friend was Muggle-born.

Except, now James thought about it, maybe that was one of the reasons he had become friends with Lily Evans in the first place - how much should it anger his parents to know that their firstborn was practically married to a Muggle-born?

‘Although’, Black continued, with a satisfied smile on his face, ‘it might have been good when the pie accidentally fell on my dearest mother’s lap’.

Again, James had to grin too.

‘Two well-placed jinxes don't qualify as an accident, Sirius’, Remus commented.

‘I suppose not’, Black agreed. ‘But I didn't like the result very much, to be honest. It would have been more fun if I had managed to drop the pie on her head, but I couldn't bend the pie –‘

‘Try _“Levicorpus",_ James said without thinking. ‘It would bend the pie, and it's non-verbal, so no one would really know it was you’.

They all looked at James.

‘ _Levicorpus_?’, Black asked, curious.

James opened and closed his mouth without answering, guilt swirling inside him; of course they wouldn't know about this spell - Severus had invented it and, worse, James said he wouldn’t share.

On the other hand, a small voice in his head insisted, there was no harm in telling Black about it. He didn't need to explain that Snape was good at creating spells. And considering what Sirius had said about his family, James thought they deserved a light comeback like that.

‘I read about it somewhere’, he lied easily. ‘It's a spell that makes things turn upside down’. He pulled out his wand. ‘Just make this movement and think " _Levicorpus_ ". It’s pretty easy if –‘

‘Hmm’, Black cut him off, his wand ready in his hand. He copied the movement James had made, and in the next instant, Pettigrew was raised in the air, his head bouncing on the bench. He cried out in surprise, while Black laughed. ‘This is a really good spell!’

‘Sirius!’, Pettigrew called him, his face becoming more and more purple.

James chuckled, raising his wand and thinking “ _Liberacorpus_ "; then Pettigrew fell heavily on the floor. His expression of embarrassment vanished the instant he realized everyone was laughing. Then he laughed too as if he had been amused all the way through.

‘Where did you say you learned that spell, Potter?’, Black asked casually. James bit his lips.

‘Dunno. Does it make a difference?’

‘No’, Black shrugged. ‘It surprised me, that’s all. That spell is a little too much fun for someone... For you’.

James blinked.

‘Really? I always thought of it as some sort of defense, you know, like a natural reaction’.

A mischievous smile spread across Black's face.

‘Well, it depends on how you see the situation. I can use it to get rid of a thief, and I can also use it against my cousins during family dinners’.

‘Okay’, James agreed. ‘But just keep it from using at Hogwarts, okay? It’s - someone showed me that spell, Black, and asked me to be quiet about it. So, it would be nice if you didn't go around turning people upside down in the middle of the halls’.

‘I thought you said you read about it’.

James blinked, but he refused to look away. After a while, Black just sighed and nodded.

‘Too loyal’, he whispered, half-appreciative, half-resigned. ‘Fine. If I ever use it at Hogwarts, it will be in self-defence, just like you said. Right?’

‘It seems fair’, James agreed, relaxing.

He leaned against the bench; it suddenly occurred to him that he had asked Black something, he had agreed and, even stranger, James trusted that he would keep his word.

* * *

When James thought about it, his problems with Sirius Black began on the first day they met, and not even because of that first meeting on the train. It had begun later, after they both had been selected to the Gryffindor.

Before the selection, Black had ignored him except to give him some annoyed looks while James talked to Severus, commenting about the Sorting Hat; but James had other things on his mind – he had finally understood that Severus did not have any intention of going to Gryffindor, as James had always declared he wanted to.

At least, James could easily interpret the look of longing Severus had while looking at the Slytherin table. James had never really thought of parting ways with him at Hogwarts, but that moment seemed closer.

It is just a House, he told himself. Just like they lived on different neighbourhoods in London; it didn’t mean anything. It was just one of the things in their lives that were different.

The selection was relatively calm; the only uproar was when the Sorting Hat declared Sirius Black to be Gryffindor, which made people whisper about. Lily Evans ran happily when the Sorting Hat, a second after touching her head, sent her to Gryffindor too; she sat right next to Sirius, and they already looked like the portrait of best friends they would soon become.

‘James Potter’, Professor McGonagall called. James stepped forward, taking a deep breath, and sat on the stool. There was a sea of faces staring at him before the Hat fell on his eyes and everything went dark.

‘Courage and nobility and a thirst for adventure’, the Sorting Hat laughed. ‘There's only one place for you! Gryffindor!’

James beamed as the Hat was removed from his head; he thought that even Professor McGonagall winked at him, and he walked towards the Gryffindor table. Halfway there, his smile died briefly when he looked at Severus – he gave him an apologetic look - and Severus just seemed disappointed.

‘Good’, Sirius Black said when James sat across him in the table; he seemed more friendly than he had been all day. ‘Maybe there is hope for you, Potter’.

And he exchanged a smile with James.

James thought everything would be fine; the rest of the feast was nice and joyful. As soon as Professor Dumbledore dismissed them, he did not run immediately to the line of the other First Year Gryffindors, but he went to the Slytherin table.

‘Magical, huh?’, he joked, approaching Severus. His friend blinked.

‘What are you doing?’, he asked in a low voice. James looked at him, confused, and Severus only pointed to the red and gold badge on James’ robes, the colours that had appeared the instant the Hat had selected him. ‘You're a _Gryffindor_ ’.

Severus had said the name as if it were a bad word. James shrugged.

‘And…?’

For one endless second, Severus just stared at him; then his shoulders relaxed and he smiled at James. It was a familiar smile, one that they had shared many times over the years, ever since they had first met.

A friendly smile.

‘Hey!’, one of the older Slytherin prefects called him. When James turned around, he saw some people looking at them. ‘What's your name?’

James didn't like that blond prefect at all, but he answered it anyway.

‘James Potter’.

‘Potter? As in _the_ Potters?’

James blinked, not understanding the inquisition, but Severus jumped to his side.

‘Yeah, like that, Lucius’.

The blonde smiled, looking pleased.

‘Not bad for a _Gryffindor._ You know how to choose your friends, Severus’.

‘What does he mean?’, James asked, confused. Snape was grinning, seeming satisfied with the prefect’s approval.

‘Nothing, Lucius is just messing with you. So… See you tomorrow, then?’

‘Sure. Try not to get lost’.

He laughed, amused, and James ran to his own line; Black was frowning at him, but the redhead girl kept asking him questions and he didn’t say anything to James until they were up in their dorm room.

‘What's your problem, Potter?’, Black asked, as soon as James, the last one to arrive at the room, closed the door behind him. James blinked, aware of the fact that the other two Gryffindors were staring at him.

‘Problem?’

‘I can't believe you went back to talk to Snivellus’.

‘I told you not to call him that! What has he done to you?’

‘He's a _Slytherin_ in case you didn’t notice! He's a treacherous snake! You can't go out talking to the people there!’

‘Your whole family is from there. What are you going to do, ignore them?’

Black looked suddenly even more distressed.

‘Don't talk about what you don't know, Potter. For all I care, I'm much better off from that place. And you better get away too’.

James didn't hesitate.

‘I will not leave a friend because of a House selection. I don't care if he's a Slytherin’.

Black took a deep breath.

‘In that case, maybe you should belong there too. And you two –‘, he turned to the other boys, ‘- you better be careful. I wouldn't trust someone like him’.

* * *

‘A sickle for your thoughts, Potter’.

James blinked, looking away from the landscape that he wasn’t really paying attention to. In front of him, Black was separating his Chocolate Frog cards into two piles. It was already late, and they were both alone in the compartment. Lupin had gone out for a prefect patrol and Pettigrew had gone after the Trolley Lady.

‘I wasn’t thinking about anything’, James lied, not feeling guilty. Black just nodded. ‘What are you doing?’

‘Seeing which cards I already have. Lily likes to collect them’.

James’ heart skipped a beat at hearing him say Lily’s name casually, and he kept any emotion from showing up on his face. Considering he would soon be seeing her, he thought he should have his feelings in order.

‘You wouldn't have Morgana, would you?’, Black asked, looking at James, who shook his head. ‘Pity, it’s the only one that is missing on our sorcerer’s collection. Well, I think I will have to keep eating Chocolate Frogs in our quest’.

‘It seems such a challenge’, James said teasingly.

Black laughed.

‘All in the name of friendship, of course. What wouldn’t I do for Lily?’

‘You really _like_ her, don't you?’, James asked, before he could control himself.

Sirius looked at him as if James had suddenly grown two heads.

‘Yes’, he said, sounding confused that there was ever a question about it.

‘Why?’

It was another uncontrolled question, but Black didn’t seem to mind.

‘Because. I mean, Lily is…’, he seemed lost, and James thought it was understandable. Sometimes he couldn’t define Lily Evans either. ‘She is _good_ ’.

James frowned.

‘I don't mean she is perfect’, added Black as if he knew exactly that was confounding James. ‘It's just – she can see something good about you even when you don’t see yourself, even when everyone tells you that you should be something else. It’s _pure,_ refreshing really. She is nothing like the rest of my family’.

He said it like that was the best compliment he could give her, but what impressed James was the pure warmth in his voice as Black talked about Evans. James thought that whatever he felt for his best friend was more than just liking; Black _adored_ Evans, in a way much deeper than Severus could ever began to feel. Black had made Lily Evans sound like his real family – not the kind you are born with, but the kind you choose.

And then, for the first time, James considered that maybe there was nothing romantic between Black and Evans at all.

Black sighed, looking back at James.

‘Do you know what Lily told me once? She thinks you and I would be great friends. Weird, isn't it?’

He sounded amused. James grinned with him.

‘A lot. I mean, we're not exactly alike’.

‘No, but –‘, Black was frowning and smiling at the same time. ‘Have you ever thought that, maybe, if we had sat together in the beginning, if you - if there was no one else –‘

‘Then it could have been very different’, James murmured, and for an instant, they just looked at each other.

James thought of many things to contradict his own statement. He thought that he wouldn't like to hex other people just because he could, or that he wouldn’t care about looking cool. On the other hand, he also thought that there was something about Black that seemed to exhale confidence and light, in some way that, if they were friends, he would always feel a strange need to be approved by Sirius Black.

It would be another life.

‘We could have been friends’, Black whispered, and James didn't disagree.

* * *

James only remembered to look for Snape when he was already in one of the horseless carriages on the way to Hogwarts. He felt a tiny drop of guilty, that was gone seconds later when they got back to their discussion.

At some point that afternoon they had started talking about Quidditch and James had the pleasant surprise to see they were all fans of the Turshill Tornadoes. Even though Lupin was less passionate about it, and James had the impression that Pettigrew would follow whatever the others liked, he and Black had valuable discussions about whether the current team was as good as the one from ten years ago and whether they really had a chance to win the championship this year.

They were laughing together and somehow, James just stopped to think about how unusual this was when they arrived at the Common Room and reality hit him in the face.

Lily Evans was there, obviously waiting for Sirius Black; all James saw of her, in the first moment, was a flash of red running by him and throwing herself into Black's arms.

And then he felt like an idiot for what he had done that afternoon - what had he thought? That he was Black's friend? James shouldn't have sat with him, he shouldn't have shared a few jokes or talked to him. He should have avoided Black, as he always did; they were too different from each other, beginning with the fact that the girl – who had been in James’ dreams lately - was hugging Black, not James.

And once more, that irrational desire to be Black arose in him, just for a moment, just so that she could be in his arms, not Black’s.

James struggled with that feeling, knowing how wrong it was, and wondered if he could just slip to his dorm before anyone noticed him.

‘Ah, Sirius!’

Evans' voice brought him back to reality; she didn’t sound delighted of seeing him after weeks apart, instead – _she was crying._

James had never seen Lily Evans looking so distraught as then. Tears were streaming down her face, uncontrollably, and Black looked lost. As far as James knew, the goal of his life was to make her happy.

‘Lils? What happened?’, he broke away from her, cupping her face so he could dry away her tears and trying to force her to look at him. ‘Are you hurt?’

‘No. I’m – I’m ok, I - I couldn't stop it, when I arrived – she was _bleeding,_ her face –‘

‘Lils? Take a deep breath. Tell me what happened’.

She gulped, nodding, and then, to James’ surprise, she looked at him.

Her lips were trembling.

‘Mary’, she whispered, making him freeze. ‘She was attacked last night. I – I ran as fast as I could, I swear, but I just found her lying on the floor, all cut and - I didn't know what to do –‘

‘There was nothing you could do’, Black said instantly, trying to calm her down.

‘Where is she?’, James asked, his voice sounding distant to his own ears.

‘Hospital wing. She – she hasn’t woken up yet’.

‘Who did this? Lily, who attacked her?’

She winced.

‘Nobody saw it’.

‘Lils’, Sirius called her, graver. They stared at each other, and something seemed to pass between them. ‘Who?’

‘Mulciber’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **In the next chapter:** James faces choices of who to trust and how far he is willing to go.


	10. The first prank

_ "...walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can..." - _ Lily Evans, HP and the Order of the Phoenix

* * *

_ Mulciber. _

That name echoed in James’ head, filling him with anger and fury and an urgent desire to go after him, even if he had to invade the Slytherin Common Room to track him down - and then… and then James had not decided yet what he wanted to do, but all he knew was that Mulciber  _ had  _ to pay somehow.

But first, his priority was to find Mary. He had to make sure, above all, that she was okay, that she would be okay, because somehow he knew that this was his fault too -

He should have stayed with her during the holidays, he should have realized that Mulciber would be staying at Hogwarts too; Severus had mentioned it after all, but James had been  _ so distracted _ \- losing his sleep with dreams that wouldn't happen. He had sworn, hadn’t he, that he would look after Mary, especially when it involved Mulciber - Mary had told him how much Mulciber was weird with her, something even James had noticed. 

Why hadn’t he done something before? How could he not have seen it? He should have pinned him against the wall and demanded that he'd leave her alone - he was a  _ Slytherin _ , after all, and she was a Muggleborn - that was  _ dangerous - _

His footsteps echoed down the empty halls as James ran through Hogwarts. He could hear someone walking behind, probably trying to reach him - he had the impression that it was Black, of all people - but he didn't stop until he reached the white door of the Hospital Wing.

Then, for the first time, he hesitated, staring at the door, his heart thundering painfully in his throat, and he jumped when he felt a hand grabbing his shoulder.

‘Go on’, he heard Black murmuring, his voice gentle, and somehow it was the surprise of realizing that Black had really come after him that woke James up. He remembered hearing distantly, just before he left the Common Room, Black telling Remus and Pettigrew to keep company to Lily.

Black pushed the door, which opened silently. They entered the Hospital Wing; there was no one on sight, but the last bed was occupied, its curtain draw around it. James moved automatically in that direction, without thinking about it, and he pulled the curtains away.

Mary was lying there, sleeping unsteadily, her blond hair spread out over the pillow. Her face was paler than usual, which made the mark on her left cheek look even redder; it was as if a knife had cut her face, from the top of her forehead until her chin, avoiding the eye by less than half-an-inch.

‘ _ Bastard _ ’, whispered Sirius, his voice drowning with a hatred that was a reflex of how James felt.

He reached out to touch Mary's hair gently, careful not to wake her. He thought about how he had never really appreciated how beautiful she was until he saw her like that, with her scarred face, and James suddenly wished he could choke Mulciber with his bare hands.

‘What do you think you're doing?’, someone hissed, and when they turned around, Madam Pomfrey was leaving her office, looking livid at them. She closed the curtains, pushing them away from the bed. ‘You can't enter the Hospital Wing like that!’

‘I needed to see her’, James mumbled, and something in his voice softened the expression on Madam Pomfrey’s face.

‘Mary needs to rest now, James’.

‘Can you let her know that I stopped by?’, James asked.

Madam Pomfrey nodded.

‘Of course, but I'll only let in visitors if she allows it’.

There was something about her tone, something that made James understand that Mary had not wanted to see anyone and he could not fault her. They had all left her alone, hadn’t they?

James had. 

He had let it happen, he had not protected her enough. He thought of how he hadn’t sent a letter to her, not even something to thank her for her Christmas gift, or something to ask how she was alone in Hogwarts - or to warn her to be prepared, to not walk alone in the corridors, to not let herself be caught off-guard by Mulciber - who had always  _ watched  _ her with that dark expression…

But instead of doing that, James had left himself be worried about his feelings for Lily Evans and that weird jealousy of Black...

‘James’.

It was just the shock of hearing Sirius Black calling him by his first name, without contempt in his voice but with real concern, that made James blink and return to reality. Sirius put his hand on James’ shoulder, guiding him out of the Hospital Wing, and it did not occur to James to fight him.

Once outside, he slid off the wall, sitting with his hands around his head, a pounding sensation on his head. Sirius knelt beside him.

‘She'll be fine’, he whispered. ‘Madam Pomfrey can do miracles’. And when James didn't answer, his voice became more urgent. ‘Staying here brooding won't solve anything’.

James lifted his head. Black was right. There was nothing James could do for Mary now, but there was something he certainly wanted to do almost as much as comforting her.

He got up at once, ignoring the way his head was heavy and walked straight towards the dungeons. He knew that Black was following him, and for a moment James wondered if he was judging him for knowing the exact location of the Slytherin Common Room. Probably yes, but James didn't have time to think about it.

He stopped in front of the wall, panting and out of breath. There was no one there to let him in, so he did the only thing possible: he knocked on the wall, shouting any password he could think of.

‘Ambition! Cunning! Pureblood! Green!’. His hand was throbbing with pain, but James refused to stop. ‘ _ Mulciber, _ get out of there if you dare! Mudblood!’

The wall opened. Before James could question himself if the slur had really worked, Severus appeared, his face impassive.

‘What the hell are you up to, James?’, he asked, careful to close the wall behind him. James stared at him, enraged.

‘Let me in. I want to see Mulciber’.

Severus rolled his eyes, impatient.

‘You won't believe this stupid rumour, will you? I heard what happened, it was an accident’.

‘Accident?’, asked James, astonished, just as Black, behind him, let out a mocking laugh. Snape seemed to notice him for the first time; his dark eyes narrowed. ‘You didn't see how Mary is, that couldn’t happen by accident! Mulciber has always been creepy with Mary, of course he did it on purpose, and now she is in the Hospital Wing -’

‘Yeah, what kind of  _ accident  _ would take someone to the Hospital Wing with scars?’ scoffed Snape. ‘Any ideas, Black? Maybe she found a were -’

‘Shut your mouth’, threatened Sirius, taking out his wand. Severus laughed derisively but he pulled out his wand too. James knew he would never fail to answer Black.

‘The truth hurts, doesn't it?’, Severus asked softly, then he turned to look at James with a serious expression, sounding more urgent now. ‘James... Dumbledore has already talked to Mulciber, he will be in detention from here until the end of the year, he has lost two hundred points to Slytherin, he is already being punished for his  _ mistake _ ’.

‘Losing points?’, Sirius repeated, his loud voice echoing in the hall. ‘Detention? What he did to Mary was -’

‘Whatever it was, that's what Dumbledore gave to you and me, wasn't it?’, Snape replied, full of contempt. ‘It was an accident, James, I promise you, Mulciber was not trying to hurt anyone, it was just a laugh, a joke that went wrong -’

An unbelieving laugh escaped James.

‘A joke? What kind of joke is that? How are you going to defend him, Severus?’

‘It was as much a laugh as the stuff Black and his friends get up to’, Snape argued, resentment evident on every line of his face when he faced Sirius. ‘You ignore all the rules, because they are so below you, and you don’t care who is in your way or - or whether people will get hurt in the process’.

And he raised his arm, where the scars from the werewolf were still visible, white lines cutting his already pale arm.

‘They don't use Dark Magic, though’, James pointed out coldly, and Severus looked back at him. ‘If that's your friends' idea of  humour, Severus… Perhaps Black is right about you Slytherins. Perhaps you are  _ evil _ ’.

These words had the impact that James expected. Severus narrowed his eyes, betrayed and upset, and James felt an evil satisfaction in being able to hurt someone. He saw Snape opening his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything - and before James could feel any kind of guilt - he turned around, leaving Snape standing alone in the hall.

It was only when they arrived at the Entrance Hall that James realized that Black was calling me.

‘James…’, he painted, looking around to make sure no one was close. ‘This won’t be forgotten. We are going to make Mulciber pay’.

‘“We”?’, James repeated, still annoyed though he knew his anger was not because of Sirius Black for once. ‘The "Marauders", Black? Don’t involve me in your stuff, you are as bad as he -’

‘Really? Do you really think so?’, Black challenged, raising his eyebrows, looking intently at James.

The rude answer died in James’ mouth as he lost any desire to argue with Black. It wasn't with him that James was angry with, not in the slightest. It wasn't Black that he wanted to make suffer and pay -

Black nodded as if he understood exactly what James was feeling, and they started to go up the stairs.

‘What is on your mind?’, James asked in a low voice.

‘Some sort of punishment, but not like the one that Dumbledore gave’. He paused, looking speculatively at James. ‘How much do you mind breaking some rules?’

James thought of Mary in the infirmary and anger flooded him again; he was sure Mulciber was laughing somewhere in the Slytherin Dungeon, probably satisfied with what he had done and not caring at all for detentions or losing points. 

‘Not this time. Not for Mary’.

‘Good. I think I have a pretty good idea’.

And then Sirius Black grinned and, for the first time in his life, James shared the smile with him.

* * *

Mary stayed in the Hospital Wing for five days. On the third day, she finally allowed James to visit her. The mark on her face was still red as if a wild animal had attacked her, but they were no longer bleeding - now all there was left was to heal.

She was biting her lip when James sat next to her, looking as if she just wanted to run away. James remembered their departure before the holidays, and how excited she had looked, so full of life - and once again hatred for Mulciber involved him, making him see red.

_ Patience _ , he told himself, forcing himself to breath.  _ He will pay _ .

Then, with a tentative smile, James offered his hand. Mary hesitated only a few seconds before accepting it, her expression calmer.

‘How are you?’ he asked, sitting on the chair beside the bed.

‘Ready to get out of here. But Madam Pomfrey thinks I need a few more days’. She rolled her eyes. ‘I don't know what difference it will make, it's not as if that -’, she pointed to her face, ‘- is going to disappear’.

‘I'm so sorry’, James blurted out, before he could control himself. ‘I shouldn't have -’

She raised her eyebrows, confused.

‘Why are you apologizing? You didn't do this’. Mary indicated her face again. ‘I mean, it has nothing to do with you. It was just  _ an accident’, _ she spat the last word, unhappy.

‘I know it wasn't just that’.

‘But it doesn't matter, does it? I can’t prove it and Mulciber has all the alibi he needs - everyone accepted that it was a spell that went wrong, Mulciber was with his friends and they all assured that he was not aiming at me. And I don't really remember to tell’.

James huffed angrily and Mary let out a reluctant laugh.

‘Oh, James, the only good part of this story is that he is probably done with me. With this mark, he won't find me attractive anymore’.

James got up. Carefully, he ran his hand over her face, until he touched very lightly the beginning of her scar, right above her chin; his hand was cold, so his touch wasn’t probably good, but Mary only shivered when his hand actually touched her scar.

‘You are beautiful’, he said. Mary blinked and then closed her eyes, laying her head against his hand. Without really thinking about it, James kissed her forehead, hugging her lightly.

When they broke apart, James saw that they were no longer alone.

Lily Evans was at the door of the Hospital Wing, her face impossible to read.

‘I didn't mean to disturb you’, she murmured when she saw both of them staring at her. ‘I only brought your books, Mary’.

And now James realized that there were a couple of books and scrolls in her arms, that she brought to replace other parchments in the stand beside Mary’s bed.

Mary blushed, sitting more erect and away from James.

‘Lily is helping me with the homework I'm missing’, she explained.

‘Oh’. James watched Evans replacing the withered flowers beside the bed for new ones, with a flourish from her wand. ‘That's nice’.

‘I'm  _ always _ nice’, Evans replied, but there was no superiority in her voice. ‘If you want, I can come back later, Mary’, she added, looking questioningly at Mary, her eyebrows raised.

Mary hesitated for just a second before leaning on the pillows behind her.

‘It's pretty late, actually. Why don't you just leave me the books, Lily? I'm tired now, I can do it tomorrow morning’.

James blinked, surprised. It was early still, but Mary lay in bed as if she were about to sleep, looking suddenly exhausted.

‘Are you sure?’, Evans asked, sounding as confused as James felt.

‘Yeah, don’t worry. Thank you so much for helping me, Lily’, Mary replied lightly, winking in an almost conspiratorial way, making Evans look suddenly flustered. ‘And you too, James, you can go. Thank you for your visit’.

‘Rest well, then’, James wished, and Mary nodded absently.

When she saw that Evans was still looking at her, Mary smiled. ‘I'm fine, Lily, really’.

They shared a look that made James suddenly wonder how their Christmas had been here at Hogwarts, together, just the two of them in Gryffindor. He knew they weren’t particularly friends before, but now they seemed to be very comfortable with each other.

Or he could be just reading too much into this. Lily would probably show up to help her in any case. She certainly had gone out of her way to help James, and he was much more distant from her than Mary, with whom she shared the dormitory for over five years.

‘Do you think she's okay?’, Evans asked, startling James. When he turned to her, he saw she looked concerned. ‘She shouldn't be tired’.

‘I think she just wanted to be alone’, James answered honestly, although he couldn’t understand the reason behind it.

‘I guess -’

James looked at Evans with more attention. In the light of the candles in the hall, he thought her face was pale; her eyes were swollen, dark spots behind them as if she had not slept well in the past few days.

‘And you?’, he mumbled. ‘Are you ok?’

‘I have no reason not to be’, she replied bitterly.

That made him stop. The last time James heard that tone in her voice, Lily had been talking about her own family - when she felt guilty about something that was beyond her control.

Whatever was bothering her shouldn't concern James. He remembered how she had run into Sirius Black's arms a few days ago, and how he had comforted her - if anyone could calm her down or help solve Evans's problems, that would be Black.

But James knew that Black hadn't been with Evans in the past few days, and he also knew that there were things she just didn't share with Sirius Black.

James had promised himself that he would try to stay away from Evans, and he had accomplished that in the last few days even without meaning to, but James found himself stopping in the hall, just a few steps away from the portrait of the Fat Lady.

Evans stopped too; her green eyes reflected the candlelight around them.

‘What happened, Evans?’

‘What are you talking about, Potter?’, she replied, defensive.

James took a deep breath, refusing to let himself be distracted by the temper in her voice.

‘Lily -’, he began, and the use of her first name seemed to work because something broke in her emotionless face. Lily bit her lip, uncertain. ‘You don’t look fine’.

She shook her head, making her hair float in front of her face.

‘Of course I'm not fine, look what happened! We should be protected here, but we are not, and Mulciber is walking around, using Dark Magic -’

‘He's going to pay’, James interrupted, resolute. The shadow of a smile passed over her face.

‘I know Sirius is planning something, but… That’s not the point, you see? I don't want him to just pay, I want it to never happen again, I want to make sure he won’t ever do it again... Only I am powerless to do any of it. I couldn't help her’, she finished, her voice barely audible.

James wanted to say that there was nothing that Lily could have done, but he knew that no words would really help - at least, no words had worked for him.

Black had told him the story of the "accident" as it was officially recorded. Mulciber was with some of his Slytherin colleagues walking down the halls on the seventh floor the night before they returned to Hogwarts; no one knew what they were doing seven floors above their own Common Room, but that suspicious behaviour wasn’t reproachable. Mary was returning from dinner, alone, when, in the middle of a corridor, she was hit in the face by Mulciber's spell, one that he promised he didn’t even know what it was - he had been saying random words. He and his friends were too shocked by what had happened and they had done nothing; Lily Evans arrived a few seconds later, and then had help taking Mary to the Hospital Wing.

The more James thought about that story, the more he realized that there were a number of scenarios in which nothing happened. Mary could have finished dinner a few minutes later, when they had already left the seventh floor. Or else James could have been with her. Or Evans. Or Mulciber could have chosen another floor to be.

But they were not in any of those scenarios.

‘I - I left her  _ alone’, _ Lily continued, repulsed. ‘We had a stupid argument at dinner and then she was gone, and when I realized they were waiting on the seventh floor - I ran to her, I swear I ran -’, she paused, looking at James desperately, tears shining in her eyes. ‘But I was too late -’

James did not think. His feet automatically advanced towards her and his hands embraced her in a hug. Evans hesitated for a tiny second, clearly surprised, and then she relaxed in his arms, hugging him back and laying her head on his chest. James could smell her perfume as clear as if she had just sprayed it through the air.

His heart pounded in his chest and he thought that would be obvious to her.

‘Lily -’, he whispered. ‘We can discuss here for hours about who to blame, and I swear I understand you. I mean, I already thought of a hundred things that I wish I had done to prevent it from happening, but at the end of the day, there is only  _ one _ person who actually cast that spell. And I know that nothing changes, but Mulciber will pay, in only a small part of what he did’.

She took a deep breath.

‘Good’, she said, obstinate. She detached herself a little, just enough to be able to face him. James could see every shade of green in her eyes, every tiny drop of tears in her eyelashes. ‘Good’, she repeated, and her voice was softer.

There were countless reasons for him to break apart, but there, feeling the warmth radiating from her body as she looked at him closer than he remembered ever being with her, her face reflecting more feelings than James could understand, he couldn't move away from her.

But he also didn't move any closer to her.

There were also endless reasons why he shouldn't be near Lily Evans.

Lily blinked, and she looked like she was going to say something when the portrait opened behind James.

As if that were a sign, they broke apart. James dropped his hands, while Evans straightened up, facing whoever had just left the Common Room.

When he turned around, he saw Peter Pettigrew looking from him to Evans and back, looking deeply puzzled.

‘Hi, Lils, James’, he said finally. Evans was frowning; James saw her eyes falling to a parchment folded in his hand, and then she narrowed her eyes. 

James couldn't decide whether she was angry or worried. It was probably the former because Pettigrew took a step back, looking alarmed. 

‘Sirius asked me to call you, James’, he said, without taking his eyes off Evans. ‘Because of - you know - your project’.

That distracted Evans; she turned to James, her eyebrows raised, surprised.

‘ _ You  _ are involved with Sirius’ plan?’

James nodded, which caused a glint of approval to shine in her eyes. It shouldn't have had any effect on him, but James felt a wave of pleasure with her evident appreciation.

He looked away, trying to ignore these thoughts, and his gaze fell on Pettigrew. He was still glancing at Evans as if trying to understand her. She must have felt his gaze as well, because she looked back at him.

‘And it was you who found James?’, she asked. 

That didn't make sense to James, but Pettigrew looked briefly at the parchment in his hand before nodding.

‘Sirius was occupied’, he replied slowly, and some understanding must have passed between them because Evans lowered her shoulders, suddenly more composed.

‘Good. Then go see him, James’, she smiled at him. ‘I don't want to delay your plans’.

James smiled back, and they entered the Common Room. He and Pettigrew were about to go up to their dorm when Evans called him.

‘Pete?’, her voice was soft. He turned to her, looking nervous. Evans approached him; James had never noticed it before, but she was taller than him. ‘Don't mention it to Sirius’.

James couldn’t decide if she was ordering or requesting, nor did he understood what she meant. They had separated before the portrait opened fully, so James knew there was nothing  _ strange _ or compromising that Pettigrew could have seen to misinterpret.

For another brief moment, Pettigrew looked again to the parchment in his hand.

‘Of course not, Lils’, he agreed, lifting his head.

‘Thanks’, she said, smiling softly at him, and then she ran a hand through his hair, tousling it with fondness as if she were his older sister.

Pettigrew sighed dreamily when Lily left to sit on one of the couches close to the fireplace next to her friends. When he realized James was watching him, his face pinkened.

‘Shall we?’, Pettigrew asked, already going up the stairs without waiting for James to answer.

He kept throwing glances behind his shoulder to James, his mouth open as if he was going to say something, but every time he gave up. James was feeling actually relieved when they entered the dorm room, a feeling that he had not felt many times there. But at least this time, no one was disapproving his presence. Black looked up from the parchment he was analyzing and smiled with satisfaction when he saw James.

‘Ah, Potter, I was waiting for you’.

James nodded, sitting on his bed, while he showed him the parchment. James examined the perfect doodles that Pettigrew had done, showing the movement with the wand that should be performed until the last word to chant the spell.  _ Fulmino _ .

‘Your drawing is really great’, he said to Pettigrew, who blushed, satisfied. James thought that compliment had disarmed him because Pettigrew sat on his bed looking more relaxed. ‘Do you guys think it's ready?’

Black nodded.

‘I tested on Peter before you arrived’, he said, to which Pettigrew nodded, looking even more pleased that he had been used as the subject of a spell that James and Sirius had invented. ‘All the bolts came out’.

‘And no -’

‘No long-term damage, as Peter can assure you’, Black said, looking knowingly at him. ‘It will only teach him never to look in her direction again and, hopefully, cause some laughs’.

James thought his concern about that last point was funny. Sirius frowned as if he once again knew what was on James’ mind, but he said nothing. He and Pettigrew started talking about when and how they were going to cast the spell, and James took the opportunity to get ready to go to bed.

When he came back from the bathroom, Pettigrew was already very close to falling asleep, yawning openly, and Black was still focused, now looking at a very old parchment.

‘The trick -’, he was saying, more to himself, ‘ - is to find the right timing. Mulciber's  _ friends _ are always around him’.

James didn't need to see the disgust on his face to know that Black was talking about Severus, but, exceptionally, he didn't complain. Since their discussion in front of the Slytherin Dungeon, they hadn’t spoken to each other. The few classes they shared were held in silence, a dark cloud between them.

The truth was that James was torn between being extremely disappointed with Severus and feeling guilty about it. They were friends, but somehow he felt that Severus had chosen his other friends, more than him, and if it were at any other time, about any other thing, James would understand. But not now, not with what Mulciber had done; James didn't understand how Severus could defend something that was just evil.

_ Evil _ .

On the other hand, here he was, talking and planning things with Sirius Black as if the last few years had not existed, as if Black had never come out of his way just to annoy him.

Almost as if they were friends.

_ It's not the same, _ James told himself. Sirius Black could be an asshole sometimes, but even he had some lines he didn’t cross - and Sirius definitely didn't get involved with Dark Magic.

‘Potter?’, he heard Black calling him, and James blinked, turning to him. On the bed next to James’, Pettigrew was already snoring softly.

‘Do you know about Remus?’, James asked, instead of talking about how they would jinx Mulciber. The answer to that problem James had already discovered as soon as they had started planning it and thinking about it always made his stomach turn.

Black looked ruefully at the window beside his bed, at the sky where the full moon was shining. He looked at the moon as if it had insulted him personally.

‘He already left’, he said, his voice full of revolt. ‘I hate this time of the month, I hate not being able to do anything to help him. He doesn't deserve this’.

‘No’, James agreed, and Black looked at him with a sad expression.

‘If I could - if there was any way - I wish he didn’t have to be alone’.

‘He knows he isn’t’, James said with a tiny smile, even though he knew it wasn't true. He had read more about werewolves lately, and he knew there was nothing of the kind and good human that Remus was when he was transformed. They could be friends, but as a werewolf, Remus would be a danger to Sirius and any other human being who crossed his path.

‘I once thought of suggesting to Dumbledore that we could stay with him, you know? Maybe some way he couldn't get close to us, but he could know we were there -’

Sirius' voice faded and he seemed lost, looking back at the moon outside and James felt a sudden urge to comfort him - he could never fault Sirius for caring about his friend. But he didn’t dare, so he moved to pull the curtain off the bed, and the movement made Black blink and look at him.

‘Well, in any case -’, he said, looking embarrassed about what he had said. ‘Any idea how we're going to be able to hex Mulciber?’

‘I will do it’, James said confidently. Sirius raised his eyebrows.

‘Potter, I understand your need to personally fix this, but it would be  _ obvious _ if you did, you know that, don't you? Everyone heard you practically summoning him to a duel’.

‘And what's the problem with that?’ asked James, bold.

‘Lily would kill me if I let you get caught’, Black answered simply. James felt something burning inside him at the strange idea that Black and Evans would talk about him - and that she would care with what happened to him enough to Black let know. ‘And Merlin knows that  _ we  _ already got too much detention without you joining us. No, there has to be a way for you not to be discovered’.

James nodded thoughtfully. The Marauders were really caught with absurd frequency in their pranks; they didn't seem to care about the detention, but that meant points being deducted for Gryffindor, and at least that consequence seemed to bother them. They were careful, as far as James knew, and had reduced detentions in the past few months, but there was a limited amount of things that could be done at the castle without drawing the attention of professors, ghosts, or Filch.

James had done his share of minor infractions in the castle - all those nightly walks to the kitchen - but, unlike them, he had never been caught.

‘So all we need is an alibi’, Sirius continued, distracted.

‘Well, if everyone is seeing me, there is no way to blame me’, James said slowly. ‘And if no one ever sees  _ who _ cast the spell, there is no way anyone can be accused, either’.

He looked curious.

‘What’s your idea?’

James sighed deeply.

‘I can distract Severus while you cast the spell on Mulciber’.

‘And how do we do this without being seen?’

James hesitated. For the last five years, the Invisibility Cloak was his biggest secret. The Cloak gave him all the freedom to walk around Hogwarts, alone and undisturbed; it had never failed to protect him. And more than that, James had kept his promise to his father and had  _ never _ told Severus. His best friend.

‘James?’

He caught Sirius' eyes. He was sober, in a way that James hadn't seen him before, and it occurred to him that Sirius wasn't treating this as just another Marauders’ joke. He really hated what Mulciber had done to Mary and wanted him to pay for it. 

James remembered what Evans had told him a while ago, about how Sirius hated Slytherins, and he suddenly thought that the biggest reason for his hatred was how close he must have come to be one like his whole family was.

James imagined him in Slytherin, wearing silver and green robes, assuming a place that was his birthright - but the image was wrong, absurd. Sirius Black could be many things - most of them pretty annoying at times - but he was not a Slytherin. And for the first time since the Sorting Hat selected Severus Snape for that house, James considered that a compliment.

‘I have a way of making sure that whoever casts the spell will not be caught’, he said quietly, so as not to wake Pettigrew who was sleeping soundly. ‘But you need to keep it a secret. No one can know, neither he, not Remus and… not Evans’.

Sirius took a full second to get up and approach him.

‘I promise’, he said, without hesitating, and then, not quite believing in what he was doing, but trusting Black completely, James took the Invisibility Cloak out of his trunk.

* * *

Be on a stakeout was much less exciting than James had imagined after so many years of watching police and spy movies. Beside him, Sirius looked calmer, and James figured it wasn't the first time he'd been waiting to execute a plan.

‘You're being obvious like that’, Sirius murmured, without taking his eyes off his plate. Around them, the Great Hall was still busy.

‘Sorry’, James whispered back. ‘It's just that time doesn't pass’.

‘You can always take the time to study’, he replied, with an amused smile, indicating the book next to James. ‘I heard you need nine OWLs this year’.

James flushed, remembering his outburst in class that happened what seemed like a long time ago.

‘If there's something that is obvious, it's us sitting here without arguing’, James noted. 

Black shrugged.

‘It's not impossible, you know. Let’s not make a habit of it, though’, he said, smirking, inviting James to share the joke with him.

He smiled back. He could not deny that, no matter how strange the thought was, those past few days had been pleasant. Every night after class, they had met in the dorm to discuss the spell; they had crossed out some ideas until they came up with one that seemed appropriate, and then they had worked together to create the spell. James had noted that this was not the first time that Black had done this, but since James had also spent years watching Severus create spells himself, it was easy to follow. And they were both good with magic and working with Sirius had been incredibly easy. There was a curious harmony between them.

And in all that time, Black had made no sarcastic comment, had not teased James in any way. He had concentrated and accepted most of James’ suggestions; even when they disagreed, he wasn’t aggressive or mean, just considering the options.

James struggled a long time until he decided that he could have defined Black as _reasonable_ while they were working together.

‘Did you finish the Potions essay?’, Sirius asked, distracting James. When James didn’t answer immediately, he rolled his eyes. ‘They will take another fifteen minutes to leave, we can at least pass time with small talk’.

James glanced at the Slytherin table, farther down the hall. Mulciber was there, together with Severus, having dinner late as they used to. Now that James stopped to think about it, he didn't know how Black had such perfect information about their routine, since during that hour he and Sirius were usually already in the dorm, working on their… project.

‘Thanks to Merlin, Snotty and Snivellus keep routines’, Sirius added, making James frown. When his gaze met James’, Black just raised his eyebrows. ‘I can't help it, Potter’.

‘Just - don't call him by that name’, James asked, knowing how much that nickname really bothered Snape.

Black nodded without discussion. Considering that part of their plan involved James distracting Severus, he was probably deciding that, at least once, this strange friendship between a Slytherin and a Gryffindor was worthwhile.

Guilt made his stomach turn over again, but James took a deep breath. He had already made his decision.

‘He will never know’, Black assured him, looking at him intently. ‘Now, what about Potions? If you need, I have Lily's notes to help’.

‘I'm fine with Potions’, murmured James, not wanting to say that Lily had already helped him with this essay before the holidays.

‘So the tutoring is working?’, he asked, no malice in his voice. For some reason, James felt awkward talking about his time with Evans. She had warned him that Black knew about those tutoring sessions, but whenever he imagined Black thinking about it, it was with Black musing exactly what they were doing alone in the room.

His total lack of concern only showed him that Black couldn't even fathom  _ anything _ happening between them. Of course not.

_ Goodwill... _

James shook his head to clear off this thought.

‘Yeah’, James said shortly. And then, since he had mentioned Evans, James thought he could ask something that he had thought before. ‘By the way, why isn't Evans here?’

‘She's in the Hospital Wing with Mary’.

‘No, I meant, Evans never came to help us. I thought she was always involved in your schemes’.

He laughed.

‘“Schemes”? Call it what it is: a prank’, he said, sound proud. Then he shrugged. ‘Lily was busy this week. And… we are not glued together, you know’.

James raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

‘Could have fooled me’.

Black looked amused.

‘Is that how you see it from the outside? Well, Lily knows that we're planning something. But since she wouldn't be able to participate this time, I thought we might surprise her’.

They exchanged a smile, and it occurred to James how strange it was to stay so in tune with Sirius. Maybe Black thought the same because he looked away.

He seemed distracted, but James knew he was watching Severus and Mulciber closely, waiting for the moment when they would finish their dinner. He would look at his watch too, checking the time and deeply ignoring the two girls nearby who kept throwing glances at him. They were definitely part of Sirius Black's fan club, but he didn't notice how they were whispering about him.

Something about it made James let out an amused laugh, louder than he intended, and across the room, Snape looked away from Mulciber and his gaze met James’ for a second – the laugh died – before his gaze fell to Black, next to James. Severus’ features contracted in that mixture of contempt and envy that he only reserved for Black, and he resumed his conversation with Mulciber.

‘He really hates me, huh?’, Sirius noted airily.

‘He has his reasons’, James replied, so faithfully that the words seemed ready in his mouth. ‘You didn't make his life easy’.

‘I really don't understand your loyalty’, Black mumbled. ‘Especially with all that happened to Mary’.

James felt outraged. The only thing that Severus had to do with all events was his insistence on defending his friend, which James would also do if the situation were the opposite - only that he did not imagine any of his friends involved with Dark Magic.

If it were with someone else, maybe he would believe the story that Severus insisted on. But he knew that Mulciber had always been very strange towards Mary, staking her in a way that was not normal -

‘Severus has nothing to do with it’, James said slowly. ‘He wasn't even at Hogwarts’.

‘And you're not even going to get close to Snotty there today’, Black pondered calmly. ‘Sometimes you don't have to be close to be involved’.

There was no arguing with his logic, so James just blinked. Sirius finished his drink.

‘Besides, the part of Sni... Snape that concerns me most in this story is something else’. He looked at his watch and stood up; it was time. ‘Sometimes I see him looking at Lily just like Mulciber looked at Mary’.

And he left without giving James time to answer.

Once again he knew he could not argue. Severus did spend an exaggerated amount of time admiring Evans from a distance - which was apparently evident even to others - but there was no way James could explain that he  _ adored _ Lily so much that he would never dare to hurt her. As far as James knew, Severus  would hurt  _ him  _ before he’d do anything to Lily Evans.

Outside the Great Hall, they hide in a broom closet. It occurred to James how many girls would like to be with Sirius Black in the same situation, and again, he had a fit of laughing. Sirius threw him an amused look.

With practice, James extracted the Invisibility Cloak from his pocket. Black's face lit up, just as he had when he had first seen it. He admired the Cloak with so much fascination, that James felt a sudden sympathy for Sirius. That Cloak was the most valuable gift James had ever received in his life and it was nice to finally share it with someone.

‘You don't know how useful that would be’, Black commented quietly, running his hand over the light fabric of the Cloak. When his gaze met James, he smiled warmly. ‘Don't worry, Potter, I’ll keep your secret’.

James nodded, throwing the cloak over him and watching him disappear.

‘Stay close’, he warned. ‘Remember that you are invisible, but they can still hear you. Let me know when we can leave’.

There was a noise of parchment being opened, but whatever Sirius was doing, James obviously couldn’t see, of course. After a minute, Sirius said:

‘They are leaving the Great Hall... Crossing the Entrance Hall... And they just passed through the door that leads to the dungeons. There's no one around, it's our cue...’

They left the broom closet. As Sirius had said, the Entrance Hall was empty. James went through the door that led to the dungeons, walking hurriedly down the corridor that would eventually go to the Slytherin Common Room. After a few seconds, exactly as Black and he had planned, he found Severus and Mulciber in the hall.

‘Severus?’, he called loudly, making them turn to him. James ignored the flood of anger that went through his body when he looked at Mulciber. ‘Can we talk?’

He nodded.

‘I'll be right back’, he said to Mulciber, and just as James expected, Mulciber stopped to wait for him, clearly mistrusting James.

James frowned, not bothering to hide his annoyance with the situation, and opened one of the doors of the corridor for an empty classroom.

Snape followed him, leaving the door ajar.

'Seriously?', James asked, but he just crossed his arms, not looking impressed.

'What do you want, James?'

James took a deep breath, not bothering to stall. He needed to give time to Sirius.

'I want to talk to you. I don't like the way things are'.

'And whose fault it is? I thought we should be friends,  _ best friends, _ but in the first discussion you throw my House in my face, so  _ hypocritical _ -'

'I was wrong about that'. James agreed. 'I am sorry, it wasn't fair -'

'And  _ Black _ was with you!, Severus continued, without interrupting himself. 'How could you do that? Ally with him? Against me?'

'I wasn't with him. Black has nothing to do with it, don't miss the point -'

'And what would be the point?'

James sighed.

'Did  _ you _ have anything to do with what happened?'

That made Severus blink, his dark eyes narrowing.

'I wasn't even here'.

James nodded.

'Neither was I. So… it shouldn't affect us'.

'I won't stop being friends with Mulciber', he warned fairly. 'It was an accident'.

'If you say so, I will accept it. Dumbledore has already given him punishment and I hope... he has learned not to cause accidents in the future'.

Severus looked at him, and James kept his gaze calm and confidently. There was no way for him to know that James was lying, because Severus would have no reason to know James' lying face: until that moment, for what really mattered, James had always been honest with him.

After a few seconds, Severus nodded and smiled slightly, his expression softening.

'Ok. Let's just forget this'.

'Sure, it's just… I don't want to be near Mulciber again. You and I friends, but I don't like the people you're hanging out with'.

Severus nodded as if he expected it. He looked both relieved and disappointed.

'I understand. I just think -'

But whatever he thought was never said, because at that moment there was a cry outside. They looked at each other for a second before Severus walked out the door.

James followed him. In the hall, Mulciber was scratching his arm.

‘Something hit me!’, he complained, raising his arm and showing a wet spot on his clothes.

‘Did you see something?’, Snape asked, looking around, his wand raised.

‘There was no one in the hall’, Mulciber replied angrily.

‘It was probably a leak, James replied boredly, pointing to the ceiling in the hall, where there was actually a huge leak. Mulciber stirred.

‘I would have known if a drop of  _ water _ had hit me _ , _ Potter!’

James crossed his arms.

‘And do you have any idea of  what it could have been?’

He obviously hadn't. The corridor was empty, as was easy to see, all doors closed except the one leading to the room where James and Snape had been. Severus turned to James, eyebrows raised, clearly doubtful.

‘Did you do something, James?’

‘What could I have done? I was with you’, replied James easily, his voice sounding as if that was obvious, leaving no room for questioning.

They could not argue with that. With a grunt, Mulciber turned, leaving. Severus threw a confused look in James’ direction, before following after his friend.

Calmly, James turned too, on the way back to Gryffindor Tower. In an empty hallway on the first floor, Sirius took off the Cloak, his body shaking with silent laughter.

'That was awesome', he declared, and in something that seemed to have happened a lot in the past few days, James shared a grin with Sirius Black.

* * *

When James arrived at the Hospital Wing the next morning, Madam Pomfrey was doing the last check up on Mary.

'I'm fine now', Mary promised, with a reassuring smile for the nurse. 'Ready to go back to classes'.

In fact, Mary looked excited. Her face was flushed, and all her school things were organized, which James knew was a demonstration of how tired she must have been from being stuck in the infirmary. The scar on her face was pink and still evident, but when she smiled as she did now, James thought was almost imperceptible.

Almost.

They walked through the school together, while she asked James about his holidays. James briefly described how his Christmas party had been, skipping any mention of Marlene - or Lily Evans - but she didn't seem to notice. Apparently, his ability to lie casually had increased in the past few days.

That didn't seem like a good omen.

'And your Christmas?'

'Ah, it was really fun', Mary replied lightly. 'There weren't many people, but Lily kept me company. She's really nice'. Mary threw him a sideways look. 'The snow wars were really fun. We... talked a lot actually'.

It suddenly came to James' mind the image of the two of them sitting by the fireplace, talking quietly to each other, and he wondered if his name had ever been mentioned.

From the look on Mary's face, he was sure it had.

'Which only makes things more difficult, I think', Mary added, sighing. 'Lily would be a lot easier to dislike if she was a bad person'. Another sideways look that James ignored. 'Your name may have come out between one conversation or another'.

James bit his lips to stay silent, and Mary chuckled.

'Ah, James, you are so spoilsport sometimes. You should ask me what Lily said about you, and I was going to refuse to tell you, of course, but you _had_ to be curious. Come on, could you ask just once?'

Mary was looking at him amused, still laughing, but the moment they walked through the door to the Great Hall, her smile died and she paled. When James followed the direction of her eyes, he was not surprised to see that Mulciber was looking at her, standing near the Slytherin table.

For a second, nothing happened.

Then a grey cloud appeared over Mulciber's head, as if there was an exclusive storm over him. The cloud grew in size, darker and darker, until a spark appeared, and a moment later a single lightning bolt descended from the cloud, hitting Mulciber.

His body lit up, and, as in a picture, it was possible to see his entire skeleton. When the light faded, he was lying on the floor, with smoke rising from his body and his hair standing on end until the last strand, intact and alive and looking properly electrocuted.

For a moment, the Great Hall was silent. Then, beside James, Mary started to giggle uncontrollably. Soon, there were other sounds of laugh in the hall, and James looked at the Gryffindor table. Sirius winked at him, while Lily, sitting next to him, was laughing openly.

He grinned back at Sirius, satisfied. The spell would last at least twelve hours, which was the time they had estimated until the professors located a good counterspell (that not James or Sirius had bothered to create). And as long as the spell lasted, every time Mulciber looked in Mary's direction, whether he knew or not where she was, another bolt would fall on his head; that grey cloud would be kept over him as a warning.

Then James looked back at the Slytherin table, and his look crossed Snape's; his eyes were narrowed, clearly suspicious of him.

But James knew that there was nothing that could link him to that spell, no one had seen the culprit and his best friend was his alibi. He laughed calmly, enjoying the prank like everyone else and sat down at the Gryffindor table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be patient with James, he still has too much faith in Snape.
> 
> **In the next chapter** : James solves some pending issues and has an idea on how to deal with a certain problem.

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter: James deals with Lily's mistrust and Severus discovers the key to a secret.


End file.
